Okay is Not Today
Be gentle with me I’m fragile Broken Hurting The smile on the outside hides The wounds Bleeding Oozing I might appear strong but I’m weak Uncertain Struggling Without my North Star I’m lost Wandering Homeless I might say I’m okay But inside Screaming Crying So please be gentle with me And realize That okay for me Is not today
Tomorrow Seth and I are making the drive to Wausau to get him settled with my sister and brother-in-law and all set to start college! I am happy/proud/excited for him but oh so sad and restless and melancholy for me tonight. I keep thinking about how proud Jason would be of him…and I hate that he is missing out on all of these important milestones in our kids’ lives…and that they don’t have him here. It just really sucks.
Tonight is no good Sad Restless Out of sorts I pour my wine Red elixir Wander the house Looking for your ghost Maybe I should go to bed Sleep Wait for you To visit me in a dream But the bed’s too big Lonely Sheets too cold Without you in between They say that time Will heal Take away This all-consuming ache But our love is too big To be Forgot My life a colorless fake
Today at work I heard more than one comment about the new year coming up. People ready to put an end to 2021…saying 2022 has got to be better after all. Well, even though 2021 was not a great year by any means for me and my family, it is also the last year that we will have any memories of Jason. I don’t want to move on from it…put more distance between us.
A New Year
2021 is coming to a close. 2022 is near. A lot of people have hope It will be a better year. I don’t want to move on- Don’t want to gain distance Get further away From your existence. My mind knows time will heal. My heart doesn’t believe it- Broken in too many pieces To be at all optimistic. When I look to the future All I see is blank space- Hopes and dreams gone Like they’ve all been erased. Years stretch on before me- Decades of loneliness. I’d like to move backwards- Time with you was bliss.
Horrible day today. Lots of tears. Took a shower just so I could sob my heart out. I don’t even want to listen to music today. Talked to a friend which helped for a bit. Forced myself to get out and take the dogs for a walk. Mostly just sat on the couch drinking wine, writing, and crying my way through the Harry Potter movies.
Trail of Grief
Sometimes grief is like Navigating A trail in a jungle. The trees are so thick Overhead That it is always dark. Around every corner is a Peril Ready to strike. Everyone’s grief is Different- So is everyone’s trail. The trail must be traveled Alone- Although others may briefly join To shine their lights of Hope In the darkness. To provide momentary Companionship On the dark and lonely trail. To offer support in the Battles Against the many hazards. To offer advice at the Crossroads When the trail splits. But ultimately all decisions are made Alone By the weary traveler. There are patches of Quicksand Sporadically on the route. They threaten to pull the traveler Under With grief all-consuming. The traveler must quickly Learn Who to call for assistance. There those who will enter the trail and Throw Out a vine without hesitation. But there are also those who are Scared Of the trail and the darkness- They might want to Assist But they don’t know what to do. When it is time for the weary traveler to Sleep The loneliness becomes suffocating. The traveler wonders Why This trail was given. The traveler questions How The end will be reached. The traveler tries not to run out of Hope For a better future- But how could the future be Better Than the past? Maybe the best days are Over And this trail is all that’s left.
I have a list of things to do today to get ready for dinner tonight (fondue with the kids) and brunch tomorrow, but instead I’m sitting on the couch feeling lonely and weepy. Jason and I always made a good team on Christmas Eve. He knew doing all the putzy kitchen stuff stressed me out so he would pour me wine and help with everything. He would usually take charge of cutting everything up for fondue while I would do the baking. He was also the pro at putting together the Overnight French Toast for Christmas brunch. Inevitably, I would have forgotten to get something from the grocery store and he would get in the car and fight the crowds without complaint to get the forgotten item…plus usually a few other things he found…because that’s the way Fregien men roll. If I forgot anything in my grocery order yesterday that’s just too bad…we’re going to have to make do without.
Thank you to everyone that is keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers this Christmas. I did have several special deliveries to my door yesterday that made me smile and reminded me that even though “my person” is no longer here, I still do have “my people”.
Blue Christmas The spirit of Christmas fills the air I used to feel it too Now all I feel is empty inside No joy in my heart without you. I’m going through the motions Putting up the tree Buying gifts and baking Missing you here with me. Grief is my constant companion now Sadness overflows my eyes Everywhere I look reminds me Of our last goodbyes. Empty spaces everywhere That used to be filled with you Now your ghost is all we have Christmas not white, but blue. The kids and I will do our best Keeping alive tradition But every second of the Holiday It will be you we’re missing.
It’s a wine drinking, music listening, poetry writing kind of night…
Empty Nest Some souls recognize each other. From the very first time that they meet. Some call it love at first sight. To you and I it was home so sweet. People have searched for years To find the one that makes their soul sing You and I were the lucky ones Our souls singing like birds on the wing The melody grew through the years As we added beloved chicks to our nest Now my soul has been silenced My heart in pieces in my chest. And now our chicks are fledging Taking flight on their own They’re ready for the world Tears fall when I’m alone. When I’m alone.
My cold has gotten a lot better today…thank you to everyone who checked in on me today. My sister asked me tonight if I was “hydrated and medicated”…I told her I was on my second glass of wine…so yes? Truth is that I feel a lot better physically, but my mental and emotional state are….not sure what the right word is…melancholy?
I tried starting a new series on Netflix…”Shadow and Bone”…it’s based on a book series that I have read. I forgot about the underlying romances in the storyline…ugh… I watched a few episodes and then turned it off. It’s frustrating because “normally” it’s the type of series that I would love…fantasy, intrigue, romance…now it just all makes me sad.
Then I was working on some Christmas gifts. I almost feel like I need to apologize to anyone that gets a gift from me this year because they are not at all uplifting, fun gifts. I did almost all of my shopping on Etsy…and some I created myself. Maybe I should hand out little packs of Kleenex with my gifts?
I had music going, like I usually do. Spotify thought I would really like the song “Tuesdays” by Jake Scott. Spotify gets me. I’d like more Tuesdays….or anydays.
And then because I guess I’m a glutton for punishment and “Tuesdays” had me thinking about weddings I was watching clips of Jason and I dancing at his brother’s wedding…and then that led to this poem.
Loving Eyes When the sadness feels so heavy Concrete block sitting on my chest And the tears fall from my eyes But the scream is stuck inside I look at pictures and watch videos I need so bad to see you To see your smile, the way you moved Your laugh, the way you looked at me With eyes that had a special language That spoke straight to my heart They told me how much you loved me How you didn’t want to leave I wanted those eyes, that love For the rest of my life But instead I had them For yours.
I’m feeling pretty rough today….really have been all week…or for a few weeks…months…I don’t know any more. Today is 17 weeks. Saturday will be 4 months. I get teary at work and get hugs from really whoever is willing to give me one…coworkers, members, it doesn’t matter. Went to the bank today and was choking back tears sitting at the banker’s desk. I cried during grief counseling today…not the norm…a lot of times we do more laughing than crying actually! I went out to dinner with a friend….felt better…and then got teary when I got in the car. Called my Mother and Father-in-law and talked with them fine…and then cried after I hung up. I want Jason here to cheer me up in all the ways he only knew how.
Drowning in Grief Sometimes I think I’m on the verge of being okay. And then, just kidding, another wave pulls me away. The shore is getting further and further in the distance. I’m getting pulled under without much resistance. Living without my love beside me Is like swimming with a missing limb in the sea. There are sharks all around Watching and waiting for me to drown. My tribe cheers me on as I swim in the storm Alone…this is my new norm. Tired…so tired. I would do anything for a rest on the beach With my love right beside me in my reach. But he has gone where I can’t see The water gets deeper as my tears run free.
Grief and Gratitude. I feel both so overwhelmingly today.
Thanksgiving Dear God Sometimes gratitude is difficult When my heart is broke in two. I don’t understand Your plan. I’m confused and angry too. But today as I sit at this table Surrounded by those I love I want to take this time to remember Your blessings from above. You gave us three beautiful children. They fill me with joy and pride. I do my best to be their Mom Without Jason by my side. You gave me a wonderful family- Both mine and Jason’s too. We all grieve together While he is there with You. I have a wonderful group of friends. When I need them they are there- To cry to laugh to drink some wine Or walk the dogs in the chilly air. If this heartache has taught me anything It’s that these are the most important things The love of family and friends Because you never know what the future brings.
Not in a great headspace today. Anna is coming home tomorrow so I’m trying to focus on that…but just feeling really down. Writing…listening to music…drinking wine…cuddling dogs.
Surviving I miss living. Feeling alive and whole Knowing happiness and contentment And the best love…always…and always. Now I try I try so hard But I’m just surviving. Spinning my wheels…round…and round. Everything is fake This can’t be real Wake me from this nightmare Groundhogs Day…again…and again. I’m on edge all the time My jaw clenched tight There’s a chasm inside A scream fighting to take over…and over…and over. If I shatter into pieces No one can put me back together So I wake up in this fake life again And keep on going…and going…and going.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 