As Taylor Swift would say “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”. I haven’t written anything in about a month now. I “write” a lot in my head, but just haven’t put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. I couldn’t really figure out why until today…and then it came to me…kinda in a dream. It’s because I have been feeling like a complete failure. My last post I was writing about “Intention” and “Fulfillment” and I’ve put so much pressure on myself to “succeed” in those things that I have worked myself up into a stressed out ball of misery. And without my person here to help me work myself out and help me focus I just kept winding myself up tighter and tighter.
And then last night I got up to let the dogs outside at 3am and I was having a really hard time falling back to sleep…I made the mistake of looking at my phone…my brain woke up just a little too much…and I was laying there at 3am despairing over life…feeling like it will never get better. And then I finally dozed off and I had a dream about Jason.
Dream
I had a dream last night
Last night I had a dream
You were there
Your lips on mine
My hands on your cheeks
I can still feel your whiskers
On my palms
Trying to keep you
Even though I knew
It was impossible
Even in my dream
Last night I had a dream
And as the day went by today I started to see more clearly all the stress that I have been putting on myself…really unnecessarily. So…next tactic…find the things over which I have control and make small changes where I can. And continue to look for fulfillment in the things that make me happy…building relationships with family and friends, writing, listening to music, our kids, plans for my yard once the snow melts. At some point the “surviving” has to start feeling like “living” right?
Nine days in to 2023 already and this is my first blog post. My first day of 2023 started out really well with Fregien Family Christmas. It was a really good day…even though there were a lot of teary moments for me. I love being around Jason’s family because they accept me when I am sad and give me a lot of hugs. Nobody tries to “fix” me…or even cheer me up necessarily…and I love that. I know there are a lot of widows who don’t have the great relationship with their in-laws that I have and I am so grateful for mine.
Here’s a pic of Levi and Svea with by one of my brother-in-law’s dogs for cuteness.
And then I got a cold and still am not feeling 100%. I was able to take some time off work…but there was also a huge snowstorm (12″+ of snow) and I had to get Anna off on her big band trip…so it still felt like a really busy, tiring week.
I did do a lot of reflecting and writing. I decided that there are two words that I want to carry with me this year. The first is “Intention”. The past two years my life has felt out of my control…like I didn’t have any control over what was happening to me. Well, it’s time to start taking my power over my own life back and making intentional choices. The second is “Fulfillment”. I need to discover what things I can do to help my life feel like it is worth living again…not just for my kids…but for me…because it doesn’t feel like it is right now. And that feeling really sucks.
And of course, I wrote a couple poems.
Letting Go
In his last days
I whispered in his ear
You can leave this suffering
Your time is over here
I know he didn’t want to
And I wanted to hold tight
But I had to let him go
Let him end his fight
And since that August morning
When he took his last breath
I’ve let go of so many things
I wonder what is left
Growing old and wrinkly
Traveling to exotic places
Watching our kids grow up
Smiling into our grandkids faces
Letting go of that bright future
Of him and I together
Now ahead is dark and nebulous
I’m afloat without my tether
Where before I was a wife
Now a widow I am called
How to let go of an identity
When forever is what I vowed
And all of this letting go
It makes me so angry inside
But I have to let that go too
It doesn’t fix the hurt–I’ve tried
Letting go is not forgetting
Don’t make that mistake
Our love and all our memories
Are way too precious to forsake
Letting go is not easy
Some days I miserably fail
But it’s the only way I’ll survive
Until we meet across the veil
How?
And sometimes loneliness
Sucks the air out of the room
And I feel like I’m being
Crushed
Suffocating
Drowning
In the impossibility of
Surviving
One more second
Without you
And I yearn to share
One more breath with you
Look into your eyes once more
Kiss
Touch
Whisper
But reality is harsh
Unyielding
And time goes on
Somehow
Jason and I loved Christmas. We loved melding our families’ traditions together and developing our own…working together to make the season magical for our kids. We enjoyed finding the perfect gifts for family and friends. He especially loved buying for the kids. He was the one on his computer on Black Friday and Cyber Monday looking for the best deals. He would always take the kids out shopping to find something for me…and he would always ask for slippers from the kids….always the same style. He knew that I hate wrapping gifts, so he would do it…sometimes getting Anna to help him. He would put everything in boxes and she would do the wrapping. One year they decided not to put any names on the presents, just numbers. It drove the boys crazy not knowing which gifts were theirs. One year he surprised me and came home from work early just so he could wrap all the gifts.
Usually by Christmas Eve morning I would be feeling stressed with all the things on my “To Do” list. We always fondue on Christmas Eve which means a fair amount of cutting various foods in bite-sized pieces. And we do brunch on Christmas Day…some of that needs to be prepped the day before as well. And I like to have a clean house Christmas Eve. It’s hard to relax in a mess. He could always see me starting to get wound up…and I can hear him saying “Babe, what’s on the list?”…and he would just start helping me cross things off. Inevitably I would have forgotten something at the grocery store…I would say “forget it. Not going to the store today” but he would hop in the car and fight the crazy to get the forgotten item. And always interspersed with all of that…so much love and affection for me…a hug…a swat on the butt…a kiss on my neck. To say that I “miss” that is not nearly strong enough.
And then interspersed in the joyful noise of Christmas…unwrapping gifts, games, laughter…looking across a room and catching his eye…enjoying the joy and happiness of our kids together. Then those magical, quiet moments after the kids had gone to bed…or before they got up in the morning…just him and I. Remembering those moments…more than anything…is what has taken me apart several times today. Just to share one more quiet moment with him…just to look in his eyes one more time…
But now Christmas is different. On the surface we do a lot of the same things…fondue and gifts Christmas Eve…brunch Christmas morning. Instead of Jason helping me with my list yesterday, it was the kids. Levi and I worked on wrapping gifts. I celebrated when I found a bag of giftbags Jason had stashed downstairs. He also helped cut up all the stuff for fondue. And all three of them helped prep brunch. We made it. We did it.
Christmas
Christmas morning
All is quiet
A mug of coffee
Dogs snuggling next to me
Their bodies like furry heaters
Outside the world is blanketed
In Snow
White and fluffy
The sun is peeking over the horizon
Treetops interlaced with pinks and oranges
Kids will soon stumble out of bed
Christmas hubbub
Now I breathe in the silence
Trying to find peace in my heart
But my heart is in pieces
And the tears roll down my cheeks
Last week I went to the Empty Chair Service at River Valley Church. I went last year as well and honestly don’t remember much of it except for crying a lot and lighting candles. This year there was still some crying and I did light a candle, but I was also able to take a lot more in and listen more…not only to the pastor, but to my own heart. One of the things that I have been thinking about is hope…
What is Hope?
The whisper of a promise
The spark that becomes an ember
The nudge that moves you forward
Sometimes
Painstakingly
Slowly
Fighting tooth and nail against
The torrent holding you back
Keeping you paralyzed
Pain
Doubt
Anger
.
The night becomes darker
A bitter cold seeps into your bones
Your future unfathomable
Lonely
Dreary
Dark
But in that dark, cold stillness
When it seems like there is nothing left
Your senses take over
A whisper
A warmth
A tug
And that is Hope
Levi had an assignment this week to write a poem about a picture of him with another person. He chose this picture of him with his Dad. I helped him write the poem…so hard to not just sit and cry, but I did okay. I’m glad that he wanted to use this particular picture because it is such a great memory of our last time up at Ruttgers. Jason was holding my pole while I was putting a worm on for Anna and all of a sudden he had a fish on. If Levi wouldn’t have been there to help him reel it in I think I would have lost my pole to the lake.
Northern Memory
Sitting on the dock with my Dad
He's holding my Mom's pole
Suddenly
Fish On!
Excitement like a kid on Christmas morning
A splash of slippers
The fish fights angrily
Slippery like an eel
I can still feel the sun on my face
And the aroma of fish and worms
I wish I could go back to
Sitting on the dock with my Dad.
Last night I had drinks with a really good friend of ours. He is divorced and we talk about all sorts of things when we hang out. Last night we started talking about making dinner. I was sharing with him that I have always been the one to make dinner. I never really liked it…I don’t really like cooking…but it was one of the things that I have always done for our family…especially during those years when I was home with the kids during the day and Jason was at work. Now it is just a chore. I make dinner by myself. The kids come up and eat for five minutes…if I’m lucky…and then bounce their separate ways and leave me to do the dishes by myself. I know I could get them to help me…get them to sit with me more…yada yada…but it just all feels forced. Like it’s a time when we all feel the absence of Jason so keenly and we just want to get it f’ing over with.
I think that conversation must have been stewing in my head last night because I bounced out of bed this morning and jotted this down…
Dinnertime
I used to like dinnertime.
Making dinner
Waiting for you to come home
Listening
For your car
Garage door up
Car door slam
The yip of happy dogs.
You open the doors
Your eyes search for me
Settle the dogs down
Make your way to my side
Wrap your arms around my body
Kiss my lips
Home at last
I used to like dinnertime.
Refill the wine
Call the kids to the table
Laughter
Stories of the day
Secret looks across the table
Proud of these humans
Our family
Dinner’s over
Kids go their ways
Peace
Sharing tasks
As we clean the kitchen
A dance
Together
I used to like dinnertime
And what if there is no light
Without you?
What if you were the light
And now darkness
Is all that’s left?
And what if there is no happiness
Without you?
What if you were the joy
And overwhelming despair
Is all that’s left?
And what if I am never complete
Without you?
What if you were the best parts
And this hollow shell
Is all that’s left?
And what if I never feel peace again
Without you?
What if you were my calm
And chaos
Is all that’s left?
And what if I can’t be strong
Without you?
What if you gave me confidence
And weakness
Is all that’s left?
And what if I am lost
Without you?
What if you were my compass
And confusion
Is all that’s left?
And what if I have to survive
Without you?
What if you made life worth living
And loneliness
Is all that’s left?
What if?
I’m going through a very, very rough patch. You might be thinking “what else is new?” I’ll tell you right now usually when I’m feeling at my lowest points I don’t post…but I stopped at the liquor store on the way home from work today and am sufficiently “wined” up to speak my mind tonight…maybe a little too much…we’ll see.
Yesterday was 16 months since Jason died…and that was the number one thing on my mind all weekend long. Why do dates have so much power? Why do they mean so much? I don’t know…but damn they do. Friday night I literally dragged myself to our friend Ian’s birthday party. Holy awkward social situation…didn’t know anyone…too many couples. I made it a couple hours and then came home and cried myself to sleep. In the past, Ian parties would be a fun time…great conversation…just the right amount of liquor…and then a really good post party situation.
Saturday morning I had a really good time hanging out with Jason’s sister…and then she left and my mood plummeted. I spent the whole day dozing on and off on the couch….trying to talk myself into going grocery shopping. I’ve been sleeping like garbage at night and every time I sit down my eyes just want to close. Sunday I had breakfast with my friend Vicki and then the boys and I spent the afternoon with my sister Elizabeth. I had a good time at both of those things…and yet I came home last night and just cried.
I’m feeling a lot like I am just not enough. Losing Jason has broken a lot of things inside of me. I don’t know how to feel happy enough for things that I should feel happy about…like the upcoming birth of my niece. Of course, I am happy for my sister…but her happiness and excitement reminds me of how happy and excited Jason and I were expecting the birth of Anna…and then the grief overwhelms me. I don’t know how to trust friendships or relationships with other people. I’m afraid to have expectations because I’ve been let down so many times.
And then when I think about it…it’s because the only person in this world who was always on my side…always rooting for me…always prioritized me in his life…worried about me…looked out for me…made sure I got home when I was tipsy…put a damn snowbrush in my car every year…took care of me when I was sick…made me coffee…bought me wine on his way home from work when I had a bad day…brought in the mail when he got home everyday…paid the bills…pulled me aside and kissed me senseless when I was in a bad mood…listened to me…let me use the chapstick he always kept in his pocket…warmed my cold hands up on his belly…called me on my shenanigans when I was overreacting about something…kept me grounded…told me he loved me every single damn day even when he couldn’t remember ANYTHING “I can’t remember if I told you today…but I love you”….I can go on and on. Even when we “fought” it was never really fighting. Most likely we would be in bed…disagreeing about something…sometimes we wouldn’t even actually resolve it before we would just get tired and start to doze…and I would slip the tips of my fingers into his back waistband and he would shift against me so we were cuddling…and I just knew that whatever we were fighting about was inconsequential and we were good.
I don’t know how to go from that…from being loved like that…and loving like that…to whatever this hell is. Did that love make me weak? Unable to stand on my own two feet and navigate life on my own? Maybe…I don’t know…but it was worth it. And if I have to keep putting up fences and burning bridges to protect myself now…I guess that’s what I’m gonna do…because I don’t have him to protect me now…and no one else is going to do it
The Universe
We revolved around each other.
Our own little universe.
And now he is gone
And
I’m
Spinning
Out of control.
As I spin faster and faster
My screams
Are sucked into
The
Vortex
Of pain
Unheard by anyone.
I try to throw out lifelines
But this broken me
Is never enough
And
Hurt
Is guaranteed
Over and over again.
And I spin and I spin
With no tether
No gravity
Maybe
I’ll float
Away
And find my peace again.
I wasn’t done with you yet
We didn’t have enough time
But what would have been enough
For your heart and mine?
Enough sunrises
Kisses
Walks in the snow
Enough rough times
Together
Through every low
Enough time with our
Brood
Sharing a proud glance
Enough nights on the town
Cherishing
Every small romance
Enough evenings at home
Cuddling
A glass of wine
Enough vacations together
Relaxing
Time to unwind
I cherish every memory
But our time was cut short
And how do I keep going
With a shattered heart?
Because somehow it must be enough
There is no going back
No bargaining with death
No editing the final act
Acceptance feels impossible
An unfathomable necessity
Time stretches on too long now
Loneliness and sadness for eternity
Saturday mornings are a struggle all their own. I got up this morning….did the “morning things”…coffee…feed dogs… I try so hard to…I don’t know…help myself “up”…find a positive outlook…acceptance… Lately several people have spoken to me about “allowing” myself to be happy…like I’m making some sort of choice in my feelings right now. I have words that are not nice to say about that…heck, I probably would say them if I wasn’t sober right now. All well-intentioned of course, but unwanted all the same. I know “Jason doesn’t want me to be sad”…I just can’t stop…turn it off…like some sort of emotional light switch. And so I turn to music and poetry. Looking for that perfect expression of my feelings…searching for understanding…
Lost
And I feel like I am lost
Wandering
Solo
Searching
Looking to the past
Wishing
Hoping
Yearning
Trying to find a place
Home
Peace
Rest
But I don’t fit this space
Grieving
Wounded
Hurting
Untethered I am drifting
Dissolving
Melting
Flaking
Struggling to find meaning
Why
Why
Why
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 