Lost

Saturday mornings are a struggle all their own. I got up this morning….did the “morning things”…coffee…feed dogs… I try so hard to…I don’t know…help myself “up”…find a positive outlook…acceptance… Lately several people have spoken to me about “allowing” myself to be happy…like I’m making some sort of choice in my feelings right now. I have words that are not nice to say about that…heck, I probably would say them if I wasn’t sober right now. All well-intentioned of course, but unwanted all the same. I know “Jason doesn’t want me to be sad”…I just can’t stop…turn it off…like some sort of emotional light switch. And so I turn to music and poetry. Looking for that perfect expression of my feelings…searching for understanding…

Lost

And I feel like I am lost
Wandering
Solo
Searching

Looking to the past
Wishing
Hoping
Yearning

Trying to find a place
Home
Peace
Rest

But I don’t fit this space
Grieving
Wounded
Hurting

Untethered I am drifting
Dissolving
Melting
Flaking

Struggling to find meaning
Why
Why
Why