We made it. We planned to stay home this year and just hang out with each other. I’m glad that was our plan from the get-go because Levi has been very sick since Monday evening. I’m pretty sure it’s influenza…fever…headache…sore throat…congestion. It’s really, really hard for me to keep my mind in the present when I’m taking care of my kids when they are sick…or even my dogs. The distribution of meds…keeping track of dosage and time…worrying while I’m at work…being up in the night feeling helpless to do anything to make him feel better. My mind starts thinking it feels all too familiar and pretty soon my anxiety is through the roof. Thankfully, Levi was feeling a little better today. Fever still there, but lower….headache mostly gone…sore throat still there…congestion there…but I feel like he’s turned the corner.
This morning we played a bunch of new games. I think our favorite was one called Ransom Notes. We were all laughing so hard. It’s a good game for the ages my kids are in right now. Some funny innuendo and adult-ish humor without being crude and over the top. We also enjoying Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza…fun for all ages….similar to Egyptian Rat Slap. Poetry for Neanderthals was also a lot of fun…get your team to guess the word on the card but you can only describe it using one syllable words.
After we played games we struggled a little bit. I think we all were realizing we had a whole lot of day to fill up still…and we were all missing Jason. We all kind of puttered with our own quiet things for awhile and then came back together in the evening and watched a movie.
I think we did okay. It’s really hard to navigate the Holidays…wanting to do things traditionally…but then having them feel wrong because Jason isn’t here…and just wanting to do things differently…which feels wrong because it’s different….and just not doing anything at all…which is so very tempting. And the four of us all feel completely different ways about certain things. And I spend so energy trying to navigate what the kids need… Today I had to constantly remind myself that I am not responsible for “making it a good day”.
Anna came home on Tuesday. It has been great having her home. She turned 21 a few weeks ago and has been exploring different beverages since she’s been home. Man does it feel weird to drink with my kid. Kinda fun though. She really wants to put the Christmas tree up…so we’ll do that before she goes back to school.
I hope you all had a good day with those that you love. So many of my family and friends are facing a difficult Holiday season this year with losses of loved ones and stressful times in other ways. Please remember that it is possible to be grateful and grieve at the same time. Gratitude and sadness can both live in the human psyche at the same time. I feel overwhelming gratitude for the 25 years Jason and I spent together…our children…our families…our friends; yet, in the same exact moment I very deeply grieve the present and future in this world without him.
2020—Our Last Thanksgiving together
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 