I’m going through a very, very rough patch. You might be thinking “what else is new?” I’ll tell you right now usually when I’m feeling at my lowest points I don’t post…but I stopped at the liquor store on the way home from work today and am sufficiently “wined” up to speak my mind tonight…maybe a little too much…we’ll see.
Yesterday was 16 months since Jason died…and that was the number one thing on my mind all weekend long. Why do dates have so much power? Why do they mean so much? I don’t know…but damn they do. Friday night I literally dragged myself to our friend Ian’s birthday party. Holy awkward social situation…didn’t know anyone…too many couples. I made it a couple hours and then came home and cried myself to sleep. In the past, Ian parties would be a fun time…great conversation…just the right amount of liquor…and then a really good post party situation.
Saturday morning I had a really good time hanging out with Jason’s sister…and then she left and my mood plummeted. I spent the whole day dozing on and off on the couch….trying to talk myself into going grocery shopping. I’ve been sleeping like garbage at night and every time I sit down my eyes just want to close. Sunday I had breakfast with my friend Vicki and then the boys and I spent the afternoon with my sister Elizabeth. I had a good time at both of those things…and yet I came home last night and just cried.
I’m feeling a lot like I am just not enough. Losing Jason has broken a lot of things inside of me. I don’t know how to feel happy enough for things that I should feel happy about…like the upcoming birth of my niece. Of course, I am happy for my sister…but her happiness and excitement reminds me of how happy and excited Jason and I were expecting the birth of Anna…and then the grief overwhelms me. I don’t know how to trust friendships or relationships with other people. I’m afraid to have expectations because I’ve been let down so many times.
And then when I think about it…it’s because the only person in this world who was always on my side…always rooting for me…always prioritized me in his life…worried about me…looked out for me…made sure I got home when I was tipsy…put a damn snowbrush in my car every year…took care of me when I was sick…made me coffee…bought me wine on his way home from work when I had a bad day…brought in the mail when he got home everyday…paid the bills…pulled me aside and kissed me senseless when I was in a bad mood…listened to me…let me use the chapstick he always kept in his pocket…warmed my cold hands up on his belly…called me on my shenanigans when I was overreacting about something…kept me grounded…told me he loved me every single damn day even when he couldn’t remember ANYTHING “I can’t remember if I told you today…but I love you”….I can go on and on. Even when we “fought” it was never really fighting. Most likely we would be in bed…disagreeing about something…sometimes we wouldn’t even actually resolve it before we would just get tired and start to doze…and I would slip the tips of my fingers into his back waistband and he would shift against me so we were cuddling…and I just knew that whatever we were fighting about was inconsequential and we were good.
I don’t know how to go from that…from being loved like that…and loving like that…to whatever this hell is. Did that love make me weak? Unable to stand on my own two feet and navigate life on my own? Maybe…I don’t know…but it was worth it. And if I have to keep putting up fences and burning bridges to protect myself now…I guess that’s what I’m gonna do…because I don’t have him to protect me now…and no one else is going to do it
We revolved around each other. Our own little universe. And now he is gone And I’m Spinning Out of control. As I spin faster and faster My screams Are sucked into The Vortex Of pain Unheard by anyone. I try to throw out lifelines But this broken me Is never enough And Hurt Is guaranteed Over and over again. And I spin and I spin With no tether No gravity Maybe I’ll float Away And find my peace again.