Poetry…and it’s musical counterpart…always say it so well. Imagine Dragons got me today with this one….
Tag: mourning
Widow Friends
The dogs have me up early on a Saturday morning…so I’m coffee-ing and writing. The house is quiet. There are a few snowflakes coming down. The boys and I have plans to go to breakfast later and I’m meeting my sister for coffee this afternoon…but nothing I need to do right now…and I’m feeling pretty peaceful.
If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time you know how frustrated I am by society’s viewpoints on grief…and how that has caused pain for me as I know it does other grieving individuals as well. Well, this morning I woke up thinking about my grief counseling group. A few weeks after Jason passed away I was inundated with family and friends telling me I should go to therapy. At the time it felt like just another thing I was “supposed to” squeeze into my schedule. I had just gone back to work full-time which was a huge adjustment…Levi was back in school…Seth wasn’t driving yet. I was running myself ragged.
Grief counseling is included as part of the hospice program that Jason was in, so soon I had this therapist calling me wanting to set up an appointment to meet with me. Of course, all of her available times were while I was at work. Finally, we managed to find a day that I could meet her right after work…although it meant she had to work late. This was 4 weeks after Jason passed away. I honestly don’t remember what we talked about…no clue…but she did tell me about the group therapy that meets every Wednesday afternoon…during work hours for me of course. However, I think I have mentioned before that I work with very awesome people, they took away that excuse and the next week I was logging on to the virtual group. No meeting in person because of Covid.
I remember sitting at that first session and thinking….nope, this isn’t going to work…these other women have nothing in common with me other than they lost their husbands…a few of them lost parents, not spouses…I don’t think I fit. For most of the 90 minutes I just sat and listened…the other six women had met a few times before so they knew each other…and then about 60 minutes in the counselor asked me if I wanted to tell my story. So I did…and I sobbed and sobbed. When the 90 minutes was over I logged off and thought to myself “well that didn’t help me feel better at all”. I remember telling several people “I don’t think that group is for me”.
But I decided I needed to give it a few more weeks. The third week in I was mentally and emotionally in a horrible place. I knew I was going to have to keep on going somehow, but honestly I didn’t want to. Even through the computer screen these women all knew I needed them that day. They picked me up…helped me refocus…see the important things. They became part of my tribe…and I hope I am part of theirs as well.
Now my Wednesday grief counseling is set in stone on my calendar. I text with a few of the ladies throughout the week. We go out for drinks. They know when “my eyes are sad” even if there’s a smile on my face. We laugh. We cry. We have deep conversations on the meaning of life.
What we don’t try to do is “fix” each other. We validate. We comfort. We support. I had never gone to any sort of therapy prior to this and it is completely different than what I expected…in a completely good way. They really help me keep my head on straight and my emotions at a level where I can deal with them.
Here’s my poem today…for my “widow friends”.
Widow Friends Death has brought me new friends- They are widows too. They feel my pain and understand When I speak of you. Even though they never met you- And I never met their loves- We bring each other comfort Along with tight, tight hugs. We don’t have a lot in common- Other than our widowhood- But when I talk to them They help make the bad days good. They understand my exhaustion- How living is a chore- And give me the boost I need To get up and face the day once more. They never tell me to move on= They get me where I'm at= I can relax and be myself And they still like me! Imagine that! Maybe when I am together With my widow friends You are hanging out in Heaven A group of all our husbands. I hope when you look down on us You are happy that we met. It feels as if these ladies Are definitely Heaven-sent.
Friday Funday
I had a good day today! I took the day off work and went to the huge craft fair at Canterbury Park with Jason’s sister, Jennifer. We used to go every year 20ish years ago, but had stopped. It was fun to do it again. The fair has changed a bit since then…gotten bigger…more crowded…and lots more food and alcohol options. We made our way through without breaking the bank…I did have to add a gnome to my collection…and then went elsewhere for a quieter lunch. I had a really good time chatting with her. We talked about Jason quite a bit…there were tears…but I felt like it was really healing for both of us. I felt Jason watching us and probably thinking “See Babe…you got this”
My evening was spent with a book and a cup of tea. I’ve been reading a series of private detective novels that is actually written by J.K. Rowling (author of the Harry Potter series) under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith. It is fascinating to me that she can successfully write two completely different genres with such different voices….although I do like the Harry Potter books better!
Tennis in the Bubble
Today I am so thankful for my coworkers who had me laughing hysterically more than once today. I think we were all a little high off of paint fumes…but that’s beside the point. We closed our courts today until next Thursday to convert 2 tennis courts into 8 pickleball courts and then resurface the remaining 8 tennis courts. It is a big project that was announced with essentially zero warning and has been accompanied by ever-changing details and timeline….thus the added job stress the past couple weeks. It will be great when it’s done I’m sure…
Because our courts are closed, Levi had his tennis lesson at the Bloomington South location tonight. It was harder than I thought to sit and watch him. I watched Jason play oodles and oodles of matches on those courts. I miss watching him play so bad. He was always in his element out on the tennis court and I was always so proud to be his wife. It is fun to watch Levi play too…even though it was just a lesson today.
There are some snowflakes coming down with the rain tonight. I asked Seth before he left for work if he has a snowbrush in his Dad’s car. Jason was always the one that made sure a snowbrush was in mine when the flakes started to fly….
Chugging Along
I still feel a little “hot mess express” today, but I’m working on trying to find my equilibrium. The combination of work being really stressful right now and struggling in my personal life is a horrible combination. I am blessed to have a fantastic boss and coworkers who are trying to ease the strain for me a little bit, but I still am constantly giving myself pep talks, taking deep breaths, and going in my office for a few moments of reprieve. All of our courts are being resurfaced so I am also inhaling paint fumes all day…NOT GOOD.
I have some plans this week that I’m looking to…that helps a little bit. Tonight, the dogs and I went for a walk with my friend Jen and her dog Scarlett. That was fantastic…yeah for fresh air and conversation. Tomorrow, my Amy is coming to visit me at work…she has already promised to give me a big ‘ole hug…which I will gladly accept. Then, I am meeting my friends Terri and Diane for drinks after grief counseling. Friday, I took the day off work to go to a huge craft fair with Jason’s sister. I’m a little nervous that the craft fair will be overwhelming, but hopefully it will be fine…either way I’m looking forward to spending time with my sister-in-law. Saturday, I am meeting my sister for coffee and a walk.
My brain is still very full of poetry. A few people have commented that I should put it in a book. Maybe someday…I am way to sensitive about it right now to have someone read it that might critique it and tell me it’s horrible. When it is in my blog only people that like it comment…and it just helps me express my feelings.
Send Me Some Strength The nurse said “Let him go Marie His time is almost here”. I whispered “Goodbye I love you Babe” With my lips against your ear. I told you we would be okay The kids and I Without you. Three months have gone by now I fear what I said was Untrue. Everyday I wake up Feeling so sad and Lonely. Getting through each day Feels like drudgery without My one and only. I don’t know how to find My happy place My peace Without you by my side My world feels Incomplete. I know deep down inside I’ll be okay Someday. But today it feels like Sadness is here To stay. Please send me some strength From up there in The clouds. I hope that when you watch us You feel at least a little bit Proud.
Monday Things…
This morning I found out that Anna got accepted into a field research internship program that she applied for. I am so stinking proud of her, but it means that she won’t be coming home for the summer, which is making me sad. I like to have all my chicks in my nest 🙂
Seth came with me to take the dogs for a walk tonight. He and Levi have both been doing a good job lately of taking care of their Momma. When I told him my friends couldn’t walk tonight and I didn’t want to walk by myself in the dark he stepped up to the plate with no hesitation. We had a nice chat about his plans for next year and we got to gripe together about work stress…perks of working at the same place 🙂
Levi is working on finishing up his first quarter of high school already. So crazy. He played tennis with a friend today…and I think realized that he is tired and might need to take a day or two break from tennis. He has really been playing a lot and working hard.
I know Jason is looking down at these three kids of ours right now and is just as proud of them as I am. They are the greatest blessings and keep me smiling and getting out of bed each day.
I feel like the hot mess express lately…maybe obvious from my recent blog posts. I’m getting up and doing all the things, but it’s a real struggle. It’s harder to fake that I’m doing okay when people ask…instead I get all teary-eyed. Maybe it’s just my reality feeling more real lately. I don’t know. All I know is that it sucks…and as much as I’m trying to pick myself up…it’s just not working.
I couldn’t resist ordering this shirt the other day. It came in the mail today and I think it is perfect.
Monday Morning Poetry
Morning Coffee In the stillness of the morning I try to find my peace, Cup of coffee in my hand, Warm canines at my feet. But peace is not that kind- In fact she’s an elusive bitch. She hides and leaves me sadness Permeating through every niche.
Ready-ish for Monday
I’m feeling a bit more grounded right now than I did for most of the weekend…no swearwords in the blog today…I promise. I started out my day by going out to our Sunday morning breakfast with my friend, Vicki. I made sure we went somewhere with Bloody Marys today…I had two…don’t judge.
When I got home I knew that Jason would be telling me “it’s the last nice weekend” and I better get outside to do some Fall cleanup. Seth and Levi had already done the majority of the leaves on Friday. Seth had to go to work, but Levi helped me get the rest of the leaves done and then my neighbors came over later in the day and helped us get our gazebo down. There are still some odds and ends to take care of outside, but for the most part we are ready for snow…at least the yard is. It felt good to get that done.
I felt really good support from friends and family today which I am extremely thankful for. Thank you. I appreciate you.
Grief Is…
Disclaimer: I’m having a shitty day. I’ve tried to shake it, but that’s just how today is. If you aren’t prepared to hear about that…probably complete with some swear words…you should just scroll on past today…I won’t hold it against you. If you read this and it hurts your feelings…I’m sorry.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m having such a bad day today. I am just so far down in the doldrums I can’t get myself out…and yes…I’ve tried. Went out to breakfast with the boys. Went to a craft fair with a friend. Took the dogs for a walk. Watched Levi play three tennis matches. All things that would normally help…not today.
When I look back this whole week has been difficult. Maybe it’s just all finally accumulated into one shit-tastic day. Work…which is normally my escape from stress…has been stressful AF this week…with no signs of that stopping any time soon. I feel lucky to work with such awesome people that are making it bearable…but we’re all feeling the strain.
I was filling out more insurance paperwork this week…this time for a disability policy we had forgotten about. It required contacting the doctor to get some paperwork filled out. Emailing with the nurse just made a whole range of emotions surface. On one hand, it was nice chatting with her because she is hands down one of my favorite people I have ever dealt with. She made an incredibly shitty situation as easy as she possibly could. On the other hand it was kind of PTSDish for me. Hard to be dredging up all those months of endless doctor’s appointments and treatments.
I met with my Insurance Guy…the one who lost his wife to brain cancer 5 years ago…so he can start helping me get all my finances in order. It is all really overwhelming, but Jae is an awesome guy and doesn’t rush me into making decisions about anything. He knows I need to feel secure and is helping me get there. He also knows which things should be higher on my priority list than others…super helpful. Right now I have a list of documents I am trying to compile before our next meeting. I felt like I had a pretty good handle on what we were all paying where….eh…maybe not so much. I’ll feel better when I feel more in control…and we have a good plan to get me there…so all good…but lots of stress.
On top of that was the 3 month anniversary of Jason’s death. The lives of most other friends and family have gone back to normal by now…and from some I am starting to feel the pressure…real or imagined…that mine should be as well. Here are answers to a few questions that I have gotten…directly and indirectly. Yes….I am still grieving. No…I am not better. Yes…I still cry. No…I am not ready to “move on”. Yes…I still miss Jason like crazy. No…I am not thinking that I will ever remarry. Yes…I believe in God. No…I don’t think that “keeping busy” will help. Yes…I have been back working full-time for 2.5 months now. No…I am not going to sell my house. Yes…our kids are doing great and I am so proud of them. No…I don’t want to hear about what you think you would feel and/or do in my situation…you have no fucking idea. Yes…I do go to counseling and have made really supportive friends there.
There seems to be some misconception about what grief really is. It’s not just one feeling. It’s a lot of feelings…sometimes conflicting feelings…all at once.
Grief Is… Grief is sadness. The kind way deep down that is always there Even when there is a smile on my face Or a laugh forced out. Grief is loneliness. No one to tell about my day Cuddle with at night Wake up with in the morning. Grief is confusion. How do I go from living the dream To watching it slip away Leaving me empty? Grief is love. With no one left To give It to. Grief is jealousy. Of those who still Sleep beside their Loves every night. Grief is doubt. Replaying every decision Over and over In my head until I’m crazy with it Grief is anger. Fuck this world Where horrible people live and My husband dies. Grief is identity crisis. Switching from reveling in my role as wife To the new role of widow “The one who just lost her husband” Grief is loss. Not just of my husband But of friends and family Who can’t or won’t support me Grief is guilt. Why do I get to live? He was by far the better person Why am I still here? Grief is silence. When I go for hours Without talking Because I am alone Grief is sleeplessness. When the bed is too big My mind too busy And sleep nowhere to be found Grief is homelessness. Our house doesn’t feel like home anymore. Home was where Jason was. Everywhere I look there he should be. Grief is fear. How am I ever going to manage everything- Do the best for the kids and I? What if I mess up? Grief is vulnerability. I trusted Jason with everything. Now when I need someone It’s hard to open up. Grief is fragility. Emotions so raw and powerful I feel like I could shatter Into a million pieces. Grief is isolating. When people don’t understand And say things that make the hurt So much worse. Grief is lack of control. Feeling like every decision Has been taken away And I am just stuck. Grief is heavy. A huge weight of Responsibilty On my shoulders. Grief is unpredictable. A roller coaster Of emotion Moment to moment. Grief is stressful. The muscles in back Tightening more And more. Grief is exhausting. So tired of the struggle. Day after day after Day after day.
3 Months
Yesterday was 13….today is 3…13 weeks…3 months. The big question on my mind today is “HOW?” How did this happen? How is it that he is gone and I’m still here? How have I made it three months? How do I keep going? Every day I wake up…reminded of my new reality…drag myself out of bed…just get through this day. I’m thankful for our three beautiful children…and the two furry ones…they give me reasons to keep on keeping on.
This is the poem I was working on last night before my wedding ring debacle…
The Unwelcome Guest I envy you For not understanding How I feel. I wish I was a stranger To this Pain. Instead grief Has become An unwelcome guest. But not a guest- A resident- Here to stay.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 