Tag: glioblastoma

I haven’t been in any sort of “good place” lately. Everything in me is shouting “Retreat! Retreat!” And I can feel myself shutting down…going silent…holding it all in…wanting to just keep to myself. I’m forcing myself to interact with people, but every time I make plans 95% of me screams “No!!! Just cancel”. Once I’m out sometimes I’m okay…have a good time even…but it’s an internal battle to get myself there. I’d like to stay home…wrap myself up in my quilt…bottle of wine and laptop by my side…and just…just what?…nothing…anything…everything…I don’t know.

My prompt today for my Writing Your Grief class was about “shifts in grief”.

“At first, I marked every morning at 8:22 AM…another day that Jason has been gone.  Then Wednesdays became my “counting day”…3 weeks that he’s been gone…4 weeks…5 weeks…  Around week 20 or so I found myself looking back on a calendar and counting on my fingers…I had forgotten how many weeks it was.  Then it was the 4th of every month…except January 4th went by…5 months that he’s been gone and I didn’t mark it.  Now I feel February 4th looming this week…6 months…half a year…and I have no idea how that happened.

Time…what is it really?  Arbitrary. Sometimes days feel like years.  Hours like seconds.  What does it matter?  He is just gone.  And there is too much time stretching out before me.  Years and years.  I feel like that time means more to other people.  They expect me to move on…find another love…be happy again.  Time is just a roadblock to me being reunited with my love.  That’s all I really want.”

Probably shouldn’t post after three glasses of wine when I’m feeling like a complete mess, but eh…guess I’m going for it.

Funny thing is that my weekend was mostly good. Jeremy and Cheryl came over for dinner and hung out on Friday night. Levi and Jeremy got big ideas in their heads for the basement…our basement has been a huge mess for awhile. I’d really like Levi to have a place he can invite friends over and hang out so on Saturday the four of us (Levi, Jeremy, Cheryl, and I) went out to breakfast and then furniture shopping. We found furniture for the basement and living room upstairs.

It was fun spending the day with them, but also emotionally exhausting. As much as I love hanging out with and seeing Jeremy…and I wouldn’t change that for anything…it is also so damn hard. Maybe I shouldn’t write this here…but I’ll blame it on the wine…days like that are such a reminder of Jason being gone…the missing piece. I laughed it off when the salesguy couldn’t quite figure out our relationship…but inside wasn’t laughing. I imagine it’s similar for Jeremy when he hangs out with me. I probably remind him that his brother is gone.

So then I get home from a day that was fun and I plummet.

Today, Jason’s sister Jackie came over and her, Cheryl, Levi, and I worked on basement clean-up. I was so grateful because I really suck at any big project like that…especially now. I get overwhelmed and freeze. We got so much done today and…again it felt like a good day. Some sad, teary bits…but that happens.

Then everyone left. And I was by myself and I just crash and burn.

And on top of that I have to apologize to a few friends that reached out to me this weekend that I just blew off…ugh. I can just feel myself becoming overwhelmed and scrunching into a ball…like some weird armadillo.

I know that change in my house is good. I need to be able to sit on my couch in my living room without noticing every time how worn out the cushion is from Jason sitting in the same place for 15 months while he was sick. I need to feel like my kids are comfortable hanging out in the house and bringing friends over. I want to feel like my house is a haven…somewhere we can feel safe and relax. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard as hell.

So I’ll drink my wine, choke back my tears as much as I can, and carry on.

In just a few days it will be 6 months that he has been gone. 6 freaking months!!! Half of a year and not a damn thing feels easier. If anything, things have gotten harder. I feel more emotional…angrier…more teary…closer to my breaking point. I’ve been assured that someday I will be happy again…I guess deep down I believe that too…but right now I feel like the most I can hope for is somehow getting “used to” feeling like shit…like part of my heart and soul has been ripped away…and I’ve been left here…shredded apart and bleeding…faking “life”…why???

I feel like I need to scream and rage and weep until I can’t anymore….but you know what? I can’t even do that without Jason here to put my pieces back together. If I let go now I’ll just stay broken.

Ugh…the lump in my throat won’t go away today. A few tears have escaped, but I’m trying to hold my shit together until bedtime. I’m just a ball of burning hot mess express tonight. Anna’s getting ready to go back to school tomorrow. I’m happy for her and proud of her…and still sad. I try to just keep reminding myself that I have been irritated with her for 5 weeks because somehow she is unable to do her own damn dishes.

Work has been different than it used to be. It used to be my escape from stress and now it’s just adding to it. Probably a combination of me just being more stressed to begin with and not able to let things roll of my back as easily…and just frustrating, constant changes. I try to be okay while I’m there…and then I get home and realize how much it’s been building all day long.

I made phone calls today to three more accounts that I need to get taken care of…Jason’s 401k and stuff. So frustrating. On hold for an hour for one of the places and then told I had to be transferred to a different department with a wait time of 90 minutes. Are you kidding me? I got the direct number to the other department and am going to call back a different day. The second place had to “make a change of life case” and now I need to wait for someone to contact me in 3-4 business days. The third place I shouldn’t have called today because I ended up getting all teary and crying on the phone. It was just too much.

I had my grief counseling group after that fiasco. I hate it when everyone else in the group is having a good day and then I’m down.

So now I’m sitting at my desk…writing…trying to make sense of anything right now. I still have a lot in this life that I am so incredibly grateful for…my kids…my friends…my family. But I miss Jason…and without him I don’t feel like myself…and I miss me too.

Have you ever gone through your days wanting to get from activity to activity as fast as possible just so it would be bedtime and you could crawl in bed and sleep and not feel anything for awhile? And when you wake up in the morning you can’t help but feel disappointed as a fresh wave of pain washes over you and the first thought in your head is “f* this life”. And you wonder how you can possibly get through another day. And somehow you do…over…and over. No? You’re lucky.

About a week and a half ago I started a “Writing Your Grief” class. Every morning the class gets a prompt to write about…then we post and are able to read each other’s posts and comment on them. Today the post was about “melancholy”…which was completely fitting because I have been feeling that way A LOT lately…probably also depressed, but somehow “melancholy” sounds more poetic.

Here’s what I wrote today:

“Melancholy suits you like an old comfy hoodie.  You know the one.  The cuffs on the sleeves are worn.  You think twice about wearing it out of the house, but still do because it reminds you of when you met your husband 27 years ago in college.  What did you even have to worry about back then?

Melancholy suits you like the zip-up that is two sizes too big that your husband bought on your last family vacation at your favorite resort Up North.  He had gained so much weight from the steroids the oncologist put him on that he was barely recognizable as the man you married anymore. You still loved him more than anything in the world.  He loved that zip-up.  It was nice and roomy and cozy.  He wore it all the time.  You wish it still carried some of his scent.

Melancholy suits you like the white Calvin Klein dress shirt that your husband wore when he was Best Man at his twin brother’s wedding.  He danced with you for the last time that night.  He spent the majority of the day in his wheelchair, but when “your song” came on he got up, held you in his arms, and swayed with you one last time.  He didn’t even realize you were the only ones dancing and everyone was watching with tears in their eyes.  He died 11 days later.  You’re wearing that shirt right now.

Melancholy has no need for fancy “going out” clothes.  You have pushed those to the back of the closet.  No need for dresses, slacks, sweaters, fancy lingerie.  None of that fits you anymore.  There is only melancholy.”

I miss him.

Do you ever get sucked in to those videos on Facebook where there’s a cute kid in a classroom or somewhere and then out of the blue their Mom or Dad who has been deployed for months walks in? The kid is completely surprised…there’s crying and excitement all around. Yeah…I’m ready for that to happen to me…any day now would be good.

Instead I had the day where someone had not heard about Jason passing…and then told me I must get a lot of comfort from knowing that he has “eternal life”. No, actually that is not at all comforting to me because it means he is dead…and not here with me where he belongs. Can I say that? No. Just smile and nod and run away as fast as possible….remind myself that intentions are good…scream inside…suck the tears in…remind myself that I like having a job where I’m around people.

Tomorrow my goal is to get some kind of work out in. My body is so unhappy with me lately. My knee and back have been hurting. I need to get moving again and take off some extra pounds that my body is not enjoying carrying around. Probably start with some walking on the treadmill and go from there. Baby steps. I’m a long ways away from 2016 marathon running shape.

Well, the house is even quieter now. Seth is all moved in with my sister and brother-in-law in Wausau. I was really nervous about the drive over there because Seth is a pretty new driver and has never driven on the Interstate…or anywhere close to 3 hours…but he did a great job staying right behind me and we arrived without incident. He has this week to get settled in and start looking for a job before classes start next Tuesday. I’m really excited to hear how everything goes. I think that he is going to enjoy going to school when he doesn’t have to take all the subjects he doesn’t care about.

Levi is finally going back to school tomorrow after being home with Covid…and then there just wasn’t school last Friday or today. He hasn’t been there since before Christmas so it will be a whole new routine for him again! He also got back into tennis this past weekend after a two week hiatus from his racquet.

Anna is busy working every day until she goes back to school at the end of next week. She really likes her job, but I think she is missing her friends, her classes, and college life.

All I can say is that I’m hanging in there. Autopiloting my way through life. Today I was thinking a lot about “being happy”. What does that really mean? The dictionary defines “happy” as “feeling or showing pleasure or contentment”. I can’t remember the last time I felt like that. It’s not even that I’m sad all the time…I just “am”…I exist.