I haven’t been in any sort of “good place” lately. Everything in me is shouting “Retreat! Retreat!” And I can feel myself shutting down…going silent…holding it all in…wanting to just keep to myself. I’m forcing myself to interact with people, but every time I make plans 95% of me screams “No!!! Just cancel”. Once I’m out sometimes I’m okay…have a good time even…but it’s an internal battle to get myself there. I’d like to stay home…wrap myself up in my quilt…bottle of wine and laptop by my side…and just…just what?…nothing…anything…everything…I don’t know.
My prompt today for my Writing Your Grief class was about “shifts in grief”.
“At first, I marked every morning at 8:22 AM…another day that Jason has been gone. Then Wednesdays became my “counting day”…3 weeks that he’s been gone…4 weeks…5 weeks… Around week 20 or so I found myself looking back on a calendar and counting on my fingers…I had forgotten how many weeks it was. Then it was the 4th of every month…except January 4th went by…5 months that he’s been gone and I didn’t mark it. Now I feel February 4th looming this week…6 months…half a year…and I have no idea how that happened.
Time…what is it really? Arbitrary. Sometimes days feel like years. Hours like seconds. What does it matter? He is just gone. And there is too much time stretching out before me. Years and years. I feel like that time means more to other people. They expect me to move on…find another love…be happy again. Time is just a roadblock to me being reunited with my love. That’s all I really want.”