Probably shouldn’t post after three glasses of wine when I’m feeling like a complete mess, but eh…guess I’m going for it.
Funny thing is that my weekend was mostly good. Jeremy and Cheryl came over for dinner and hung out on Friday night. Levi and Jeremy got big ideas in their heads for the basement…our basement has been a huge mess for awhile. I’d really like Levi to have a place he can invite friends over and hang out so on Saturday the four of us (Levi, Jeremy, Cheryl, and I) went out to breakfast and then furniture shopping. We found furniture for the basement and living room upstairs.
It was fun spending the day with them, but also emotionally exhausting. As much as I love hanging out with and seeing Jeremy…and I wouldn’t change that for anything…it is also so damn hard. Maybe I shouldn’t write this here…but I’ll blame it on the wine…days like that are such a reminder of Jason being gone…the missing piece. I laughed it off when the salesguy couldn’t quite figure out our relationship…but inside wasn’t laughing. I imagine it’s similar for Jeremy when he hangs out with me. I probably remind him that his brother is gone.
So then I get home from a day that was fun and I plummet.
Today, Jason’s sister Jackie came over and her, Cheryl, Levi, and I worked on basement clean-up. I was so grateful because I really suck at any big project like that…especially now. I get overwhelmed and freeze. We got so much done today and…again it felt like a good day. Some sad, teary bits…but that happens.
Then everyone left. And I was by myself and I just crash and burn.
And on top of that I have to apologize to a few friends that reached out to me this weekend that I just blew off…ugh. I can just feel myself becoming overwhelmed and scrunching into a ball…like some weird armadillo.
I know that change in my house is good. I need to be able to sit on my couch in my living room without noticing every time how worn out the cushion is from Jason sitting in the same place for 15 months while he was sick. I need to feel like my kids are comfortable hanging out in the house and bringing friends over. I want to feel like my house is a haven…somewhere we can feel safe and relax. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard as hell.
So I’ll drink my wine, choke back my tears as much as I can, and carry on.
In just a few days it will be 6 months that he has been gone. 6 freaking months!!! Half of a year and not a damn thing feels easier. If anything, things have gotten harder. I feel more emotional…angrier…more teary…closer to my breaking point. I’ve been assured that someday I will be happy again…I guess deep down I believe that too…but right now I feel like the most I can hope for is somehow getting “used to” feeling like shit…like part of my heart and soul has been ripped away…and I’ve been left here…shredded apart and bleeding…faking “life”…why???
I feel like I need to scream and rage and weep until I can’t anymore….but you know what? I can’t even do that without Jason here to put my pieces back together. If I let go now I’ll just stay broken.