Ugh…the lump in my throat won’t go away today. A few tears have escaped, but I’m trying to hold my shit together until bedtime. I’m just a ball of burning hot mess express tonight. Anna’s getting ready to go back to school tomorrow. I’m happy for her and proud of her…and still sad. I try to just keep reminding myself that I have been irritated with her for 5 weeks because somehow she is unable to do her own damn dishes.
Work has been different than it used to be. It used to be my escape from stress and now it’s just adding to it. Probably a combination of me just being more stressed to begin with and not able to let things roll of my back as easily…and just frustrating, constant changes. I try to be okay while I’m there…and then I get home and realize how much it’s been building all day long.
I made phone calls today to three more accounts that I need to get taken care of…Jason’s 401k and stuff. So frustrating. On hold for an hour for one of the places and then told I had to be transferred to a different department with a wait time of 90 minutes. Are you kidding me? I got the direct number to the other department and am going to call back a different day. The second place had to “make a change of life case” and now I need to wait for someone to contact me in 3-4 business days. The third place I shouldn’t have called today because I ended up getting all teary and crying on the phone. It was just too much.
I had my grief counseling group after that fiasco. I hate it when everyone else in the group is having a good day and then I’m down.
So now I’m sitting at my desk…writing…trying to make sense of anything right now. I still have a lot in this life that I am so incredibly grateful for…my kids…my friends…my family. But I miss Jason…and without him I don’t feel like myself…and I miss me too.