Yesterday, was the six month anniversary of Jason’s death. Only six months…already six months…either way when I think about it I start to hyperventilate.
On Thursday morning I got to work and immediately knew that there was no way I was going to be able to work Friday. I had it in my head that I wanted to go to Alexandria for the day. Jason and I stayed at a little cabin there for our 20th wedding anniversary. He had had one surgery at that point and hadn’t had any seizures yet. It was the last time he and I got away. The last time he was still himself. Yes, he had headaches and was tired, but we were happy. A little over a month later he had his first seizure and the downward spiral quickened.
Right by the cabin there is a public boat landing and fishing pier and I just wanted to sit there and try to feel close to him somehow. Maybe go out to lunch at Lure Lake Bar…where we went and had dinner on the patio and listened to live music.
Winter put a crimp in my plans…snowing when I woke up…cold…it just didn’t seem like a practical plan. I miss him so much. I would do anything to just somehow feel him close to me…instead I just feel alone, an outsider, a novelty…like people are watching me to see what I’ll do next. Some days I’m pretty sure I’m going to break…somehow I keep going whether I want to or not. I’m not strong. I just keep doing what needs to be done.
It was a pretty horrible day. I tried to get some stuff done around the house. I wrote a lot…but nothing that anyone should ever read. I cried and cried and cried. I saw Jeremy and Cheryl….tried to pick myself up a little bit…
6 months…maybe that’s when the shock wears off and reality hits like a effing sledgehammer. “You don’t deserve happiness” BAM “You held your love in your arms and watched him die” BAM “You can’t do this on your own” BAM “Your future is a big black hole” BAM “You have nothing to look forward to” BAM “You are not enough for your kids” BAM “It should have been you” BAM BAM BAM
Ironically, it feels like six months is when society thinks some “moving on” should be happening. Well, that’s just complete bullshit.