When I look back, it was actually Friday that I started not feeling well, but I brushed it off as the ill effects of crying a lot. Then I woke up yesterday definitely not feeling well…low-grade temp, sore throat, headache, body aches, and a cough. I took a covid test at Noon today and it came back positive. I don’t know if I was lucky enough to get covid twice a month apart, or if it wasn’t gone and is back, or if I have something else entirely and the test was wrong. Only thing I know for sure is I feel pretty horrible.
In 2016 Jason and I took a trip to Belize. I remember us having a conversation on the plane out of the country about how maybe we should have gotten our Will done before going on vacation to a Third World country together. Obviously everything turned out fine and we had an awesome vacation and made it back whole and healthy.
That conversation came back to me last night as I was awake coughing in bed…having a hard time catching my breath. And I thought “Nope. Can’t go yet. We never did make up that Will and everything is still such a mess. I refuse to leave that for the kids to figure out”. To be clear, I am not going anywhere anytime soon….everything just seems a little worse when it’s the middle of the night and I’m alone.
I do think quite a bit about how I want to leave things for my kids though…probably because “stuff” has been a bit of a mess for me. I did mention to Jason a few times in the 15 months that he was sick that we could maybe put some things in my name ahead of time…but his brain was just incapable of comprehending what that all meant…and I didn’t have the heart to push it.
I don’t want my kids to have to deal with a lot of “stuff” while they are grieving me. If I have my way I’ll have sold my house…gotten rid of a lot of my stuff…and be in an apartment somewhere with a dog. All the finances will be tied up in a bow and the most they will have to worry about is who gets to keep the dog…who will be adorable. They can cremate me and spread my ashes with Jason’s somewhere. I don’t care where, because I will already be with him at that point.
My post got a little big morbid, but I remember someone…I think Jason’s nurse…saying at one point “Talking about death doesn’t make it happen faster…and not talking about it doesn’t hold it off” Very true.