Levi and his girlfriend are so freaking adorable I can’t even stand it. I am so proud of him and so happy that he is happy. And then I see the way he loves spending time with her and her parents…who all play tennis…and are a whole family…with a tennis-playing Dad…and damn…that pain is real.
I’m posting today because I’m procrastinating…and I’ll own that. My therapist wants me to do a timeline of my life to bring to our session on Friday. I have the fun bits in there…meeting Jason, our wedding day, kids’ birthdays. It’s the past two years that are hard. I feel like I could fill up pages and pages with last holidays together, last vacation, doctor’s appointments that brought hope, doctor’s appointments that shattered our dreams, surgeries, seizures, hospital stays, etc. Each of those things feels huge and important…and like I can’t leave any of them off. And then I realized I don’t have a single damn thing on my timeline past Aug 4, 2021 at 8:22am…and I decided to take a break and pour myself another glass of wine.
Two years ago at this time is right when I started to feel like something was “off” with Jason. The daily headaches, confusion, trouble working, etc. April 30th, 2020 was the first time I ever heard the word “Glioblastoma”…followed closely by “terminal”. And the past couple of days my prevalent emotion regarding the past two years is “pissed the f* off”. And now you’re all thinking “well, Marie…that’s good because that’s one of the stages of grief”. Well, in my opinion, the “stages of grief” can f* off as well. I feel like my whole life has been a huge lie…just setting me up for colossal heartbreak…a life of loneliness…and constant worry about my kids.
I haven’t posted any music for awhile. Two songs have been on repeat in my playlist these days. One of them is Nate Smith’s “I Don’t Wanna Go to Heaven”. I know the last thing Jason wanted to do was leave us.
The second is a Ben Platt masterpiece called “In Case You Don’t Live Forever”. Piano goals to learn how to play both of these.
I painted our bedroom yesterday. I’ve had the paint for a few weeks, but then the weekends got busy. I finally had a day yesterday where I could spend the whole day getting it done. I love the way it turned out. Jason and I have always painted our bedroom purple in every house we have lived in. We never got around to it in this house, although we had talked about it. It felt like a little bit of a therapy project for me. Listening to music. Thinking. Trying to use the monotony of the project to calm myself down.
And now today I am sore, tired, and pissed off at the world.
Last week a friend of mine asked me how it makes me feel when someone says, “Have a good day” or “Happy Easter”. Her question was very touching because I don’t think many people think of how simple phrases like that affect someone who is grieving. A “good day”…eh…not likely. It might just suck less than other days. And holidays are worse…because no matter what happens, the pain of the missing loved one is overwhelming. Did I have a nice Easter? Absolutely. I think it was as good as it could be under the circumstances. Did I miss Jason the whole entire day so bad it hurt? Absolutely. But do I think you should stop saying “Have a good day”? No, I think of it as you just wishing I have the best day I can under the circumstances and that you are thinking about me.
For me the hurt is a little better when I am among people who are hurting and missing him too. When I was sitting at Jason’s sister’s yesterday I noticed she has a photo cube sitting on her table and on one of the sides is a picture of her and Jason from Jeremy’s wedding. That made me smile…and get teary…but it was a good teary. One of my fears is that Jason will be forgotten. That no one will want to talk about him and reminisce with me about good memories and happier times. So when I am among people that I feel comfortable talking about him with, it eases my fears a little bit.
If you ever see me and wonder if you should bring up Jason, please do! He is always right in the front of my mind. I might get teary, but that’s okay! As a wise woman once told me “you have to feel it, to heal it”.
Landmine A powder keg A landmine Hair-trigger emotion. You tiptoe around Don’t say his name Avoiding a chain reaction. And are you relieved As long as my cheeks are dry? Inside my scream is deafening. And I yearn to talk to you- Cry on your shoulder- You never ask how I’m feeling. Do you think that I can just move on? He may be gone, But I still wear his band. And maybe someday I’ll be happy But that day is not today. Grief doesn’t follow a plan.
We had a really nice day today. Ribs and cheesy potatoes for lunch at Jason’s sister’s house. Usually eating ribs is not my favorite, but Brent always smokes them so perfectly that the meat falls right off the bone…no gross gnawing required…lol. We visited for a little while before heading home so that Anna could head back to school. It was really nice…especially since their cat left me alone…ha! Not a cat person.
The kids humored me with a picture…
I’ve been using an app called Yousician to learn how to play the piano. It has been really fun. I get frustrated sometimes and have to remind myself to be patient…ha! I’m really good with C-G on my right hand…going beyond that takes a lot of brain work right now…but I wanted a new challenge right? I have found that I need to wait until I am by myself to try to play otherwise I will soon get “bumped off the bench” by a kid showing me how it’s done. It’s not fair that those young minds pick things up so much more quickly. I suppose it helps that they already know how to read music and are in band!
I got Anna back off to school and Levi dropped off at his tennis lesson and then visited Jason’s bench for a little bit. The weather was…of course…gross by that time…but it felt good to go there for a little bit and clear my head. Lately it feels like there’s “everything and nothing” going on in my head all at the same time. Like my thoughts are spinning so fast they have all just turned into a foggy blur and I can’t focus on anything.
I hope everyone else had a nice Easter as well.
The piano has been a big hit in our house…with everyone except Seth. He likes to listen to music…play it? Not so much. It is something that Anna and Levi can bond over though…which is a really good thing for the two that spend a lot of time butting heads!
This morning we had breakfast with Levi’s girlfriend, Svea’s family. I have known her parents for years, so it wasn’t too stressful. In fact, Jason and I played doubles against them once…and beat them! It was another one of those times though were I really missed Jason. Another reminder that our family isn’t complete anymore. Just me here…trying to hold it all together.
This afternoon Svea had a tennis match and Levi and I went to watch her. Since Svea’s parents both play tennis and Levi has been in drills and things with them quite a bit he is really comfortable with them. He stood by her Dad and the two of them chatted during the whole match. I can’t imagine there are very many 14 year-olds that would feel that comfortable talking to their girlfriend’s Dad!
This evening my whole Grief Counseling Group gathered IN PERSON together for the first time. One of them lives in Colorado and she is in town for the weekend so we were able to all get together for a meal and to hang out for a little bit. We had some good laughs.
Speaking of counseling I was finally able to get in for an individual session with a therapist yesterday. I was actually supposed to have a virtual session with her on Wednesday, but we had technical difficulties so ended up rescheduling for in-person yesterday. I think the technical difficulties were a blessing in disguise because in-person seems like it will be so much better. It was just the initial intake session…so pretty basic…but I really like the therapist and find her very easy to talk to. I see her again in two weeks.
Tomorrow we are looking forward to going to Jason’s sister Jenny’s house for Easter lunch. It will just be her family and ours, so pretty low-key…which is my preferred vibe these days.
Lots of poetry rambling around in my head lately. Sometimes it makes it’s way out into something that makes some sense.
Rearview And I yearn to scream But I stay silent. The voices in my head are loud Obliterating the quiet. Questions circling in my mind I don’t dare to voice. So many emotions hold me hostage Paralyzed in a vise. I try to find some peace in poetry, Music, a glass of wine. But pain and loneliness are constant Companions for all time. And time seems to stretch on forever A solitary road into the future. Hopes and dreams are nonexistent Just a shapeless blur. And I don’t know what to look forward to With the best days in my rearview. I keep looking back over my shoulder Hoping for one more glimpse of you.
An addition to our house arrived today in the form of a “new to us” piano! None of us really play piano yet, but Levi has been learning on his keyboard and I am looking forward to learning how to play something more than “Ode to Joy” as well. I have been having a hard time getting into any of the hobbies I had before and need a new past time. I think she looks beautiful against our newly-painted walls.
Music has always spoken to me, but it has become a huge part of my days the past eight months. Frank Ocean said, “When you’re happy, you enjoy the music but when you’re sad, you understand the lyrics”. That is so very true. Songs that I have heard a million times can now bring me to tears. And listening to “happy” music right now is impossible for me. I just don’t feel it. The playlists that Spotify customizes for me based on my music preferences are probably not something most people would enjoy…but they get me where I’m at right now. In music I find my kindred spirit…that some person out there in this world who gets it. Well, that and poetry…of course. And bonus…Emmett seems to like the piano!
Today I went to watch Levi play his high school match. He is playing 3 singles this year. It was his second match of the season, but the first that I have watched. He played at Bloomington South. It was emotional for me to go watch him on a few levels. One…Jason would have loved being there watching him play. One of his greatest joys in life is watching his boys play tennis. He would have been so proud of the work that Levi has put into his tennis game this past year to reach his goal of being put into the singles line up. Two…going to Bloomington South…especially the back bubble..is a huge emotional trigger for me. In fact, it almost prevented me from going to watch him today. I almost went home instead. I spent so much time sitting on those bleachers watching Jason play USTA matches. I really miss watching him play. He was so fun to watch. His love for the sport came through in the way he played. He also loved it when I would come watch him. He would always try to get put on a court where I would have the best view.
Tomorrow, Anna is coming home for the weekend. I am looking forward to having the kids all home for a couple days.
April 10, 2021 Jason had his second seizure. At least I knew this time what to watch for…what was going on…when he stopped making sense and was unable to answer questions coherently. I remember the triage nurse in the ER asking him what he had been doing at home. He replied “killing girls”. Ummm….nope. Thankfully, they let me stay with him in the ER. He might not have been able to tell them my name, but he definitely knew me and trusted me to help him. Those eyes looking at me…
Writing tonight is hard. I keep finding myself…deleting…deleting…deleting. A whole mess of feelings going on tonight I guess. A lot of triggers going on for me lately…reminders of my new unwelcome reality. Emotions winding me up…needing Jason here to help unwind me…bring me back to level…remind me of the important things. Decisions hanging over my head…feeling paralyzed…like there’s a lot on my shoulders. Keeping my mouth shut…keeping a lot inside…swallowing it all down….letting my feelings get trampled in the process. Feeling judged.
A few changes in the family this week. Levi officially has a girlfriend. He is dating a girl that he met through tennis…a tennis romance!…and has been good friends with for a month or so. I really like her. So far their dates have consisted of going to Life Time and playing tennis or pickleball together, but I hear they might go see a movie this week! Seth moved back home. He is finishing up his classes for the semester online. It feels good to have him home. He might try moving out again for fall semester…we’ll see!
Last night I went out to dinner with my friends Terri and Diane. We had a great time…as we always do. Seriously, the tables around us should probably be paying extra for the entertainment. Three widows out for dinner is sometimes not the conversation you would expect…we go from teary-eyed to laughing so hard we’re crying…and back again…so many times. I am so grateful to have these two ladies in my life. I don’t have to pretend with them…sugarcoat things…act like I’m fine when I’m not. I can be real with them.
And then last night I couldn’t sleep…again. There’s just so much running through my head. Whys and Hows mostly. I’m sure you can imagine the questions….Why did God tear Jason away from his family? How is that a plan that in any way makes sense? How could he possibly be in a better place than here on Earth with his family? etc. etc. etc. Honestly, if God has some sort of big plan I think He needs to reevaluate what He’s doing.
God's Plan? God has a plan They say. For every woman And every man. Trust Him They say. Nothing is a whim But part of the grand design. I want to say yes- It would be easier Than this doubt I guess. But I don’t understand. How is tearing a good man Away from his wife and kids In any way a good plan? It doesn’t make sense. Have faith They say. Happiness is still in your path. All I see is sadness. He’s in a better place They say. But his favorite space Was here. I know he didn’t want to go. So why? Why am I left solo? There must be some mistake.
I’ve kept pretty busy the past few days. Wednesday night I went out with my friend Terri and my sister-in-law Cheryl. We had a good night out and even got lucky at pull tabs…bonus! Thursday night Levi and I hung out with our friend Erik. I gave him wedding planning advice and he taught Levi how to pour a Guinness….life skills. Friday night Levi and I hung out together playing board games. The Game of Life…not as fun as I thought it was when I was a kid. Yesterday I spent the day with my sister-in-law Jenny. We stopped at Jason’s bench and then went to a big craft fair. Now that I have freshly painted walls I need some new decor! I found a couple things. Today I had lunch with friends of ours from college…played pickleball…and then Levi and I went out to dinner with my friend Melonie.
And I was happy…..but…
And I had a good time….but…
I smiled…but…
I laughed….but…
The sadness is always there….right beneath the surface.
And then I get home to our house…where he should be…get into our bed with a dog or two instead of him…and just pray that I fall asleep fast so that I don’t have time to fall apart.
And I don’t want to have to face another day…but I will. Tomorrow will be 8 months of days without him. I look back at pictures of happier times…25 years of happy times…and I smile and laugh…and then remember that we will never be able to make memories together ever again…and that’s when I can’t breathe past the lump in my throat and the tears won’t stop falling.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 