9 Months

May 4th….while everyone else was talking Star Wars all I could think is 9 months without Jason. I was at work today and happened to look up at the clock at 8:22….and at that moment I was losing him all over again…watching him take his last breath. Those moments that just stick in my head and circle…and circle…and circle…

9 months…how can that be?! How have I even made it this long alone? I have no idea. I don’t know how I’m going to make it the next 9 minutes…9 hours…9 days. I don’t need to hear “oh…but you’re so strong”. I’m not strong at all…I just don’t have any choice. What choice do I have?? Do I feel like I want to live? No. Do I feel like I want to die? Also no. So here I am…just surviving…holding on…hoping that some day I wake up and my first thoughts aren’t “F*ck this life. Do I really need to get out of bed? How am I going to make it through this day? I’m so tired of this. Why didn’t I train my dogs to make me coffee? I really need a hug from Jason. Really. Really. Bad.”

Levi had a tennis match today. Jason’s parents came to watch. At one point my mother-in-law asked me “How are you doing?” And all I could do is look at her and shake my head and I could see all the pain I felt reflected in her eyes. These past two years have taken their toll…and it isn’t getting any easier.

Life goes on. Time heals. He’s in a better place. He’s not suffering anymore. Everything happens for a reason. Yada yada. None of that helps. I just want my husband back. I want my “heaven”.

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