Every time I feel like I must have finally hit rock bottom, nope, somehow my mood keeps getting lower. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I sit on the couch every morning talking myself into getting up and going to work. On the way to work I fight to get my “work face” on….the one that says everything is fine to the outside world. Everyday that gets a little harder. I enjoy seeing my friends at work, but by the time the end of the day comes I am just exhausted from all the “people-ing”. I had to step away from my desk today because two couples were standing by my desk talking about someone they know who was just diagnosed with brain cancer. The way they were talking about it, I knew it had to be glioblastoma. Of course, they had no idea their conversation was bothering me and I was about to lose my shit. On the drive home my “work face” falls off and my mood plummets. I get home, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore without my person.
It’s Levi’s tennis season right now, so I’ll go to his matches if I can. I am so proud of how well he is playing…but to say it is hard for me to watch him is an understatement. Most of the time I get teary-eyed because Jason isn’t there to watch. Damn…he would be so proud of Levi right now. Sometimes I wish the boys didn’t like to play tennis, just because watching them is so emotional for me…but then I’m also so glad that they will always have that connection to their Dad. He definitely passed on his love of the sport to them.
Then I get home…probably order something for dinner. I rarely cook anything anymore. Have a drink…or two. Play piano…listen to music…write….wander around the house…doze on the couch as I put off going to bed alone. Going to bed alone sucks…really, really bad. I have to be exhausted before I even try to sleep. I can only sleep on my left side…facing away from Jason’s side of the bed…or on my stomach…again with my face away from his side of the bed. I just can’t face the emptiness on the other side. I sleep better if I can get Linc to sleep in bed with me…but either way it is a lot of waking up and mind-spinning restless nights.
Sometimes I go out with friends…but they aren’t the same friends I went out with before. One of the things I am really struggling with right now is interacting with people my own age. The reminder of what my life should be like right now, with my husband, is extremely difficult. For example, I really like Levi’s girlfriend’s family, but being around them is really, really hard. I get anxiety about it and feel really uncomfortable. I spend a lot of the time feeling like I’m not even in my body and am watching the whole thing from up above myself. It’s had for me to concentrate on conversation and I feel myself closing up and getting really quiet. Going out with younger work friends or my widow friends is easier, but still has it’s difficult moments for sure.
There’s this song by Em Beihold called “Numb Little Bug” that I heard on the radio the other day. A lot of the lyrics of the song resonate very strongly with me…especially the refrain. “Do you ever get a little big tired of life? Like you’re not really happy, but you don’t wanna die. Like you’re hanging by a thread but you gotta survive….gotta survive. Like your body’s in the room but you’re not really there. Like you have empathy inside, but you don’t really care”. Yeah….I feel you Em.
Sometimes I wonder if I am remembering accurately how great Jason was and how happy we were together, but no…he wasn’t perfect…I am far from perfect…but we were perfectly happy together. He could make anything from a rainy Saturday morning to a shitty day at work to having to put our dog to sleep bearable. There wasn’t a pain he was unable to soothe…except for now.