I’m posting today because I’m procrastinating…and I’ll own that. My therapist wants me to do a timeline of my life to bring to our session on Friday. I have the fun bits in there…meeting Jason, our wedding day, kids’ birthdays. It’s the past two years that are hard. I feel like I could fill up pages and pages with last holidays together, last vacation, doctor’s appointments that brought hope, doctor’s appointments that shattered our dreams, surgeries, seizures, hospital stays, etc. Each of those things feels huge and important…and like I can’t leave any of them off. And then I realized I don’t have a single damn thing on my timeline past Aug 4, 2021 at 8:22am…and I decided to take a break and pour myself another glass of wine.
Two years ago at this time is right when I started to feel like something was “off” with Jason. The daily headaches, confusion, trouble working, etc. April 30th, 2020 was the first time I ever heard the word “Glioblastoma”…followed closely by “terminal”. And the past couple of days my prevalent emotion regarding the past two years is “pissed the f* off”. And now you’re all thinking “well, Marie…that’s good because that’s one of the stages of grief”. Well, in my opinion, the “stages of grief” can f* off as well. I feel like my whole life has been a huge lie…just setting me up for colossal heartbreak…a life of loneliness…and constant worry about my kids.
I haven’t posted any music for awhile. Two songs have been on repeat in my playlist these days. One of them is Nate Smith’s “I Don’t Wanna Go to Heaven”. I know the last thing Jason wanted to do was leave us.
The second is a Ben Platt masterpiece called “In Case You Don’t Live Forever”. Piano goals to learn how to play both of these.