Last week I went to the Empty Chair Service at River Valley Church. I went last year as well and honestly don’t remember much of it except for crying a lot and lighting candles. This year there was still some crying and I did light a candle, but I was also able to take a lot more in and listen more…not only to the pastor, but to my own heart. One of the things that I have been thinking about is hope…
What is Hope?
The whisper of a promise
The spark that becomes an ember
The nudge that moves you forward
Sometimes
Painstakingly
Slowly
Fighting tooth and nail against
The torrent holding you back
Keeping you paralyzed
Pain
Doubt
Anger
.
The night becomes darker
A bitter cold seeps into your bones
Your future unfathomable
Lonely
Dreary
Dark
But in that dark, cold stillness
When it seems like there is nothing left
Your senses take over
A whisper
A warmth
A tug
And that is Hope
Levi had an assignment this week to write a poem about a picture of him with another person. He chose this picture of him with his Dad. I helped him write the poem…so hard to not just sit and cry, but I did okay. I’m glad that he wanted to use this particular picture because it is such a great memory of our last time up at Ruttgers. Jason was holding my pole while I was putting a worm on for Anna and all of a sudden he had a fish on. If Levi wouldn’t have been there to help him reel it in I think I would have lost my pole to the lake.
Northern Memory
Sitting on the dock with my Dad
He's holding my Mom's pole
Suddenly
Fish On!
Excitement like a kid on Christmas morning
A splash of slippers
The fish fights angrily
Slippery like an eel
I can still feel the sun on my face
And the aroma of fish and worms
I wish I could go back to
Sitting on the dock with my Dad.
Last night I had drinks with a really good friend of ours. He is divorced and we talk about all sorts of things when we hang out. Last night we started talking about making dinner. I was sharing with him that I have always been the one to make dinner. I never really liked it…I don’t really like cooking…but it was one of the things that I have always done for our family…especially during those years when I was home with the kids during the day and Jason was at work. Now it is just a chore. I make dinner by myself. The kids come up and eat for five minutes…if I’m lucky…and then bounce their separate ways and leave me to do the dishes by myself. I know I could get them to help me…get them to sit with me more…yada yada…but it just all feels forced. Like it’s a time when we all feel the absence of Jason so keenly and we just want to get it f’ing over with.
I think that conversation must have been stewing in my head last night because I bounced out of bed this morning and jotted this down…
Dinnertime
I used to like dinnertime.
Making dinner
Waiting for you to come home
Listening
For your car
Garage door up
Car door slam
The yip of happy dogs.
You open the doors
Your eyes search for me
Settle the dogs down
Make your way to my side
Wrap your arms around my body
Kiss my lips
Home at last
I used to like dinnertime.
Refill the wine
Call the kids to the table
Laughter
Stories of the day
Secret looks across the table
Proud of these humans
Our family
Dinner’s over
Kids go their ways
Peace
Sharing tasks
As we clean the kitchen
A dance
Together
I used to like dinnertime
And what if there is no light
Without you?
What if you were the light
And now darkness
Is all that’s left?
And what if there is no happiness
Without you?
What if you were the joy
And overwhelming despair
Is all that’s left?
And what if I am never complete
Without you?
What if you were the best parts
And this hollow shell
Is all that’s left?
And what if I never feel peace again
Without you?
What if you were my calm
And chaos
Is all that’s left?
And what if I can’t be strong
Without you?
What if you gave me confidence
And weakness
Is all that’s left?
And what if I am lost
Without you?
What if you were my compass
And confusion
Is all that’s left?
And what if I have to survive
Without you?
What if you made life worth living
And loneliness
Is all that’s left?
What if?
I’m going through a very, very rough patch. You might be thinking “what else is new?” I’ll tell you right now usually when I’m feeling at my lowest points I don’t post…but I stopped at the liquor store on the way home from work today and am sufficiently “wined” up to speak my mind tonight…maybe a little too much…we’ll see.
Yesterday was 16 months since Jason died…and that was the number one thing on my mind all weekend long. Why do dates have so much power? Why do they mean so much? I don’t know…but damn they do. Friday night I literally dragged myself to our friend Ian’s birthday party. Holy awkward social situation…didn’t know anyone…too many couples. I made it a couple hours and then came home and cried myself to sleep. In the past, Ian parties would be a fun time…great conversation…just the right amount of liquor…and then a really good post party situation.
Saturday morning I had a really good time hanging out with Jason’s sister…and then she left and my mood plummeted. I spent the whole day dozing on and off on the couch….trying to talk myself into going grocery shopping. I’ve been sleeping like garbage at night and every time I sit down my eyes just want to close. Sunday I had breakfast with my friend Vicki and then the boys and I spent the afternoon with my sister Elizabeth. I had a good time at both of those things…and yet I came home last night and just cried.
I’m feeling a lot like I am just not enough. Losing Jason has broken a lot of things inside of me. I don’t know how to feel happy enough for things that I should feel happy about…like the upcoming birth of my niece. Of course, I am happy for my sister…but her happiness and excitement reminds me of how happy and excited Jason and I were expecting the birth of Anna…and then the grief overwhelms me. I don’t know how to trust friendships or relationships with other people. I’m afraid to have expectations because I’ve been let down so many times.
And then when I think about it…it’s because the only person in this world who was always on my side…always rooting for me…always prioritized me in his life…worried about me…looked out for me…made sure I got home when I was tipsy…put a damn snowbrush in my car every year…took care of me when I was sick…made me coffee…bought me wine on his way home from work when I had a bad day…brought in the mail when he got home everyday…paid the bills…pulled me aside and kissed me senseless when I was in a bad mood…listened to me…let me use the chapstick he always kept in his pocket…warmed my cold hands up on his belly…called me on my shenanigans when I was overreacting about something…kept me grounded…told me he loved me every single damn day even when he couldn’t remember ANYTHING “I can’t remember if I told you today…but I love you”….I can go on and on. Even when we “fought” it was never really fighting. Most likely we would be in bed…disagreeing about something…sometimes we wouldn’t even actually resolve it before we would just get tired and start to doze…and I would slip the tips of my fingers into his back waistband and he would shift against me so we were cuddling…and I just knew that whatever we were fighting about was inconsequential and we were good.
I don’t know how to go from that…from being loved like that…and loving like that…to whatever this hell is. Did that love make me weak? Unable to stand on my own two feet and navigate life on my own? Maybe…I don’t know…but it was worth it. And if I have to keep putting up fences and burning bridges to protect myself now…I guess that’s what I’m gonna do…because I don’t have him to protect me now…and no one else is going to do it
The Universe
We revolved around each other.
Our own little universe.
And now he is gone
And
I’m
Spinning
Out of control.
As I spin faster and faster
My screams
Are sucked into
The
Vortex
Of pain
Unheard by anyone.
I try to throw out lifelines
But this broken me
Is never enough
And
Hurt
Is guaranteed
Over and over again.
And I spin and I spin
With no tether
No gravity
Maybe
I’ll float
Away
And find my peace again.
I wasn’t done with you yet
We didn’t have enough time
But what would have been enough
For your heart and mine?
Enough sunrises
Kisses
Walks in the snow
Enough rough times
Together
Through every low
Enough time with our
Brood
Sharing a proud glance
Enough nights on the town
Cherishing
Every small romance
Enough evenings at home
Cuddling
A glass of wine
Enough vacations together
Relaxing
Time to unwind
I cherish every memory
But our time was cut short
And how do I keep going
With a shattered heart?
Because somehow it must be enough
There is no going back
No bargaining with death
No editing the final act
Acceptance feels impossible
An unfathomable necessity
Time stretches on too long now
Loneliness and sadness for eternity
We made it. We planned to stay home this year and just hang out with each other. I’m glad that was our plan from the get-go because Levi has been very sick since Monday evening. I’m pretty sure it’s influenza…fever…headache…sore throat…congestion. It’s really, really hard for me to keep my mind in the present when I’m taking care of my kids when they are sick…or even my dogs. The distribution of meds…keeping track of dosage and time…worrying while I’m at work…being up in the night feeling helpless to do anything to make him feel better. My mind starts thinking it feels all too familiar and pretty soon my anxiety is through the roof. Thankfully, Levi was feeling a little better today. Fever still there, but lower….headache mostly gone…sore throat still there…congestion there…but I feel like he’s turned the corner.
This morning we played a bunch of new games. I think our favorite was one called Ransom Notes. We were all laughing so hard. It’s a good game for the ages my kids are in right now. Some funny innuendo and adult-ish humor without being crude and over the top. We also enjoying Taco Cat Goat Cheese Pizza…fun for all ages….similar to Egyptian Rat Slap. Poetry for Neanderthals was also a lot of fun…get your team to guess the word on the card but you can only describe it using one syllable words.
After we played games we struggled a little bit. I think we all were realizing we had a whole lot of day to fill up still…and we were all missing Jason. We all kind of puttered with our own quiet things for awhile and then came back together in the evening and watched a movie.
I think we did okay. It’s really hard to navigate the Holidays…wanting to do things traditionally…but then having them feel wrong because Jason isn’t here…and just wanting to do things differently…which feels wrong because it’s different….and just not doing anything at all…which is so very tempting. And the four of us all feel completely different ways about certain things. And I spend so energy trying to navigate what the kids need… Today I had to constantly remind myself that I am not responsible for “making it a good day”.
Anna came home on Tuesday. It has been great having her home. She turned 21 a few weeks ago and has been exploring different beverages since she’s been home. Man does it feel weird to drink with my kid. Kinda fun though. She really wants to put the Christmas tree up…so we’ll do that before she goes back to school.
I hope you all had a good day with those that you love. So many of my family and friends are facing a difficult Holiday season this year with losses of loved ones and stressful times in other ways. Please remember that it is possible to be grateful and grieve at the same time. Gratitude and sadness can both live in the human psyche at the same time. I feel overwhelming gratitude for the 25 years Jason and I spent together…our children…our families…our friends; yet, in the same exact moment I very deeply grieve the present and future in this world without him.
Saturday mornings are a struggle all their own. I got up this morning….did the “morning things”…coffee…feed dogs… I try so hard to…I don’t know…help myself “up”…find a positive outlook…acceptance… Lately several people have spoken to me about “allowing” myself to be happy…like I’m making some sort of choice in my feelings right now. I have words that are not nice to say about that…heck, I probably would say them if I wasn’t sober right now. All well-intentioned of course, but unwanted all the same. I know “Jason doesn’t want me to be sad”…I just can’t stop…turn it off…like some sort of emotional light switch. And so I turn to music and poetry. Looking for that perfect expression of my feelings…searching for understanding…
Lost
And I feel like I am lost
Wandering
Solo
Searching
Looking to the past
Wishing
Hoping
Yearning
Trying to find a place
Home
Peace
Rest
But I don’t fit this space
Grieving
Wounded
Hurting
Untethered I am drifting
Dissolving
Melting
Flaking
Struggling to find meaning
Why
Why
Why
It’s cold. Snowy. Haven’t seen the sun in…..I don’t know how long. Constant clouds for days. Before I wouldn’t have minded the excuse to just stay in. Netflix and chill…so to speak. Now I am feeling the melancholy. The chill that doesn’t want to go away. I come home from work and layer on the clothes…winter cap lives on my head. Missing Jason’s warm torso to warm up my hands…he was always willing to sacrifice his comfort for my warm fingers. Light candles around the house. And I don’t know how I’m going to get through winter. Restless in my house…but it’s worse to go out. Pour a glass of something to warm me up from the inside out and maybe dull the pain…fill up the void. Put up some Holiday decorations…lights on the deck…try to find some cheer…and then spend all evening in our bedroom…lonely. Listen to music…try to find a kindred spirit in the lyrics.
Forever and Never
Forever and never
Vows
Words whispered
Between lovers
Sharing breath
And a pillow
I will love you forever
I could never live without you
But they were not
Enough
To save you
As you took your
Last breath
Tears soak the pillow
How are you?
How have you been?
Haven’t seen you since
Who knows when.
I want to hide
The silence stretches
Awkward
My breath hitches
Should I gloss over the truth?
What do I say?
Do you know Jason’s gone
And I am just surviving day to day?
Should I open myself more?
Share my fragile feelings-
Without my Love
I’m floating with no ceiling
Looking down on myself
Not recognizing my life
A stranger in my body
Am I still a wife?
But you probably don’t want to hear that
Just making small talk
Waiting..staring at me for an answer
Wondering why I balk.
And so my mouth opens
And the syllables I hear
The pat answer I give
“I’m hanging in there”
And you turn away
In satisfaction
And my heart is racing
From your innocent question
Deep breaths
You’re fine
Get through work
Glass of wine
My mantra
Time after time
On repeat
I’m fine
Lies
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 