Month: February 2023

I’m tired and teary tonight. Way overtired…so I’m sure that has a lot to do with the tears. Physically tired…absolutely…can’t remember the last time I slept well…but also emotionally and mentally spent. This week has just been A LOT….a lot of stress…a lot of brushing off of careless words…a lot of handling things on my own. I know that I’m strong and can do hard things…I just don’t want to effing have to…I’m tired.

Ironically, I actually had a pretty good day today. Seth helped me get my car in for service…overdue for an oil change and had so much ice and snow jammed up in the wheel wells the whole car was shaking when I went over 60…lovely Minnesnowta problem. Levi had tennis in Eden Prairie so I went to watch him. He lost, but still always fun to watch him play. Since I was in my sister’s neck of the woods I texted her and we got together for a few hours. All good stuff. A good Saturday.

And then I came home and just lost it. Sometimes the “good” is hard. I want to be able to sit with Jason and watch our kid play tennis. I want to get together with my sister and then come home and talk to Jason about it. I want he and I to be the partners we always were with all the “life stuff”…like oil changes. Like I said, I know that I can do it by myself…or the boys can help me with some things…maybe I should even be proud of myself. But right now…I’m just in survival mode so much of the time…I’m just getting through day-by-day what I have to do.

I have vacation coming up in a few weeks. Going to Palm Springs with the boys to watch the BNP tennis tournament at Indian Wells. I’m trying to look forward to it…say all the right words at all the right times…and it hopefully will be relaxing once we are there…but so much stress with that too. Solidifying plans for the dogs…ride to the airport and back…getting shifts covered at work…what to pack…trying to think of all the things that Jason would usually do because those are the things I will forget…constantly feeling sad because we’re going without Jason to a professional tennis tournament (again). He would be so excited right now. I feel like an imposter…I’m trying really hard to be excited, but I’m so sad. Tennis was his thing. He should be the one doing this with our boys. The three of them would have loved that so much.

I just don’t know if I can “vacation”. I tried to vacation last summer too and ended up cancelling all our plans. Maybe it’s just that I know vacation isn’t going to fix any damn part of what’s wrong with my life. I’m afraid I’m just going to miss him harder in a different place.

So rambly tonight and I haven’t even been drinking. Probably should just go to bed.

Ephemeral Me

I want my life
To feel real again

For me to be MYSELF

For happy
Content
Optimistic
Smiling
Fun
Laughing
Peaceful
Secure
Loved

Are my default ways of being
Instead of ephemeral

But that is an impossible dream
And the nightmare reality.

Anxiety. Has been a very real constant companion lately.

The Hydra

Anxiety whispers in my ear
Lists
Every
Thing
That can go wrong
Infinite possibilities in a second

Every text from my kids
Tragedy
Accident
Sickness
Their names on the caller id?
My heart pounds out of my chest

Sleepless nights
Worrying
Panicking
Tossing
Turning
Staring at an empty pillow

One of my deepest fears realized
Anxiety laughs
Tightens her grip
On my emotions
Reminds me
Tragedy is possible

Safety
Security
Happiness
Reality?
Illusion?
Myth?

I try to laugh at Anxiety
Call her out
Force her into the Light
Banish her to Darkness
Take away her Power
Cut off her head

But she is like a hydra
Sprouting heads
Again and again
Laughing
Louder and louder
At me

I never would have labeled myself as an anxious person, but now…looking back on my life there are a few things that I always have had unfounded fears about. One of those fears Jason really helped me work through…and that is driving. He knew how much anxiety driving on highways gave me and instead of making fun of, or teasing me about it, he gave me little tips and tricks to help me feel in control of my anxiety. I still hear his voice in my head a lot when I am driving on highways…calming me down….telling me which lanes to get in on certain highways so that I’m in the right spot for where I want to exit. He knew part of my anxiety was because of my horrible sense of direction, so he bought me a GPS for my car as soon as they were a thing. One of the best gifts ever. He would also take me on a trial drive if he could tell that I was anxious about going somewhere….like a new job in Downtown Minneapolis a few years back. He knew just what to do and say to give me confidence.

Now driving anxiety is creeping back in because Levi is learning how to drive…and I’m supposed to be teaching him !? I am constantly having to hide my anxiety from Levi…and truthfully don’t always do a good job. Third kid…you would think this would be old hat…but I had nothing to do with teaching Anna or Seth to drive. Jason taught Anna and a family friend taught Seth. I hate every second of it.

I always had anxiety about losing Jason….always in a car accident. I would often catch myself when I knew he would be driving home from work…or a tennis match…making mental plans in my head. Something along these lines “If I get the call right now I’ll have to arrange someone to pick up Seth from after-school chess. And then who can come be with Anna and Levi? What hospital will they take him to? How will I get there? Will I be too upset to drive? I’ll have to remember to shut the oven off because I have that casserole cooking.” Totally unfounded anxiety. He was never in a car accident of any sort. I never told him all my crazy thoughts…just was always really glad to see him when he got home.

Never in all my anxious thoughts did I imagine how I would really lose him. Because cancer happens to other people.

Weekends. I love and hate them. I need the break from work and the constant “people-ing”…but I also struggle to keep myself from sinking. Last night, our friend was playing a match for Jason’s old USTA team again. Seth and I went to watch. When I watched a few weeks ago I had a fun time…this time…I was struggling. So sad….couldn’t bring myself to even go out for drinks afterward. Told myself I was just tired and came home and went to bed.

Today I’m melancholy and restless. Just haven’t been able to settle. Thought maybe some fresh air would help…went outside and played with the dogs…nope. Thought maybe I needed a project to do…started cleaning a small part of my kitchen. Wanted to be done with that as soon as I started. Thought maybe I could escape into a book…nope. Harry Potter video game? Nope. I did rearrange some of Anna’s plants. I am getting to be a better “plant Grandma”. Some of them are even growing new leaves! Started some soup that Seth really likes. Might as well make him happy!

Oh that child of ours. All of the sensitive parts of Jason and I in one package. I love all of our children fiercely, but he brings out all my protective Mama Bear instincts. Don’t eff with him or you will see my teeth. Watching him try to navigate this world without his Dad has brought me worry…tears…stress…and unbelievable pride. People might think he’s taking some sort of “easy way out” by living at home and not “doing anything” right now…but if you think it is easy in this society to be a 19 year old boy and admit that you need to pause and get mental health help…think again.

So…here I am…sitting in my “writing spot”…wondering if there’s any hope for “Spring”.

Endless Winter

Watching the world out my window
Snow on the ground
Trodden and worn
Icy on the surface
Treacherous
For the unsuspecting
Soul

Sunlight bright
Glaring off the snow
Welcomed, but painful
Like a slumbering bear
Emerging from her den
Blinking ferociously at the
Offensive sun

The steel skeleton of my gazebo
Standing steadfast through the winter
Waiting to be clothed again
With flowers and a roof
A safe and peaceful refuge
When the world gets too loud
And intrusive

Every now and then a brave chickadee
Emerges from the naked tree branches
Flits to a feeder
Selects her choice of delicacy
From the buffet
Flies back to the tree
Leaving the feeders forlorn and waiting

The air is still and cold
Quiet windchimes
Flags hanging
Waiting for a breeze
To breathe them back to life
Winter can’t last forever
Can it?

The missing him never lessens. Just this today.

The Core

I’m flaking off in pieces
Into space
Losing myself
Little by little
Layer by layer
Like an onion
Or a villain
Defeated by the hero
I’m flaking off in pieces
My hero would wrap his arms
Around me tight
Like a vise
Until every atom of my body
Felt secure
And loved
A beautiful, cherished whole
I’m flaking off in pieces
What will be left
At the core?

As Taylor Swift would say “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me”. I haven’t written anything in about a month now. I “write” a lot in my head, but just haven’t put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. I couldn’t really figure out why until today…and then it came to me…kinda in a dream. It’s because I have been feeling like a complete failure. My last post I was writing about “Intention” and “Fulfillment” and I’ve put so much pressure on myself to “succeed” in those things that I have worked myself up into a stressed out ball of misery. And without my person here to help me work myself out and help me focus I just kept winding myself up tighter and tighter.

And then last night I got up to let the dogs outside at 3am and I was having a really hard time falling back to sleep…I made the mistake of looking at my phone…my brain woke up just a little too much…and I was laying there at 3am despairing over life…feeling like it will never get better. And then I finally dozed off and I had a dream about Jason.

Dream

I had a dream last night
Last night I had a dream
You were there
Your lips on mine
My hands on your cheeks
I can still feel your whiskers
On my palms
Trying to keep you
Even though I knew
It was impossible
Even in my dream
Last night I had a dream

And as the day went by today I started to see more clearly all the stress that I have been putting on myself…really unnecessarily. So…next tactic…find the things over which I have control and make small changes where I can. And continue to look for fulfillment in the things that make me happy…building relationships with family and friends, writing, listening to music, our kids, plans for my yard once the snow melts. At some point the “surviving” has to start feeling like “living” right?

Fun with my Sister-in-Laws!