Tag: Covid

Finally feeling a little better today. I had a little more energy to do small things around the house…worked on the last three big finance pieces I have to get straightened out…spoke with my finance guy…getting the “stuff” all figured out. I at least felt productive in between bouts of coughing uncontrollably and needing to rest for a bit.

I’ve had really good people checking on me and taking care of me. My Terri made me homemade chicken noodle soup and a really good purely medicinal brandy “potion”. She also brought chocolate and crossword puzzles. It’s like she knows me or something. My neighbor brought over some yummy bread….carbs can make most things better I’m pretty sure. Jeremy and Cheryl brought me cough medicine and covid tests…so Levi could test…he’s fine. Thanks to everyone that texted or called as well. Very much appreciated when I’m feeling very lonely.

Seth called me on Monday. I hadn’t spoken with him in awhile and it was really good to hear his voice. He sounded happy and content…like things are finally coming together for him after an extremely rough couple of years. I’m glad that he decided to take the plunge and start school. I think it was also a good move for him to get out of the house…even thought he could’ve taken all of his classes online. The change has seemed to do him a lot of good. It makes my Mama heart happy. I did tell him he needs to find some people to play tennis with. There’s a small indoor club in Wausau and I hope he checks it out.

When I look back, it was actually Friday that I started not feeling well, but I brushed it off as the ill effects of crying a lot. Then I woke up yesterday definitely not feeling well…low-grade temp, sore throat, headache, body aches, and a cough. I took a covid test at Noon today and it came back positive. I don’t know if I was lucky enough to get covid twice a month apart, or if it wasn’t gone and is back, or if I have something else entirely and the test was wrong. Only thing I know for sure is I feel pretty horrible.

In 2016 Jason and I took a trip to Belize. I remember us having a conversation on the plane out of the country about how maybe we should have gotten our Will done before going on vacation to a Third World country together. Obviously everything turned out fine and we had an awesome vacation and made it back whole and healthy.

That conversation came back to me last night as I was awake coughing in bed…having a hard time catching my breath. And I thought “Nope. Can’t go yet. We never did make up that Will and everything is still such a mess. I refuse to leave that for the kids to figure out”. To be clear, I am not going anywhere anytime soon….everything just seems a little worse when it’s the middle of the night and I’m alone.

I do think quite a bit about how I want to leave things for my kids though…probably because “stuff” has been a bit of a mess for me. I did mention to Jason a few times in the 15 months that he was sick that we could maybe put some things in my name ahead of time…but his brain was just incapable of comprehending what that all meant…and I didn’t have the heart to push it.

I don’t want my kids to have to deal with a lot of “stuff” while they are grieving me. If I have my way I’ll have sold my house…gotten rid of a lot of my stuff…and be in an apartment somewhere with a dog. All the finances will be tied up in a bow and the most they will have to worry about is who gets to keep the dog…who will be adorable. They can cremate me and spread my ashes with Jason’s somewhere. I don’t care where, because I will already be with him at that point.

My post got a little big morbid, but I remember someone…I think Jason’s nurse…saying at one point “Talking about death doesn’t make it happen faster…and not talking about it doesn’t hold it off” Very true.

Yesterday I went back to work. New CDC guidelines now say that 5 days of quarantine is enough…followed by 5 days of masking…and I guess they know what they’re talking about…right? I am feeling a lot better…still congested and I feel really tired. Having to wear the mask is probably a good thing since my nose is all red and peeling. No one needs to see that. Also, nothing makes a girl feel more appreciated than lots of people excited to see her when she comes back…and all the work to be done!

I was putting dishes away today and suddenly I was standing there in the kitchen, just watching the slide show of pictures of Jason in the electronic frame…tears running down my face. All I could think was, “I really am never going to see him again”…”He’s really gone”. On the surface it might appear that I’m “moving on”…I really hate that term…trading in his car, donating his clothes, etc…but underneath a part of me is in such huge denial.

That’s the part of me that hasn’t thrown away his toothbrush or cleaned out any of his drawers in the bathroom. The part that has left his tennis bag all packed in the closet. The part that has left his cap hanging on the post by the steps. The part that comes home from work and immediately looks to his spot on the couch hoping to see him there. The part that rolls over in bed and only finds emptiness. The part that keeps charging his cell phone. The part that hears Anna watching shows on Animal Planet and expects to go into the living room and see her and Jason watching “Northwoods Law” together.

When I close my eyes I can see him so clearly…hear his voice…feel him under my fingertips…my nose remembers his smell when I would nuzzle into his neck. Now that’s all that’s left…memories in the mist…and me trying to make sense of it all…of anything really.

So tonight I’ll take my tears and go to bed. Maybe I’ll sleep and dream of the past…where life made sense.

I had the chance to read a couple books this week. One of them was recommended by one of my friends in my grief counseling group…”Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies” by Tara Schuster. Ultimately, it is a book about pinpointing the destructive behaviors in your life, replacing them with healthy rituals and self-care, and thus leading a happier life. My big takeaway from the book is that I need to set up an “office” in my house. Somewhere that I can have my laptop and a desk…maybe some of my favorite quotes hanging on the walls…pictures…candles. A creative spot where I can write and have “me time”. Well, that and to stop smoking weed…which for the record I have never done and am not intending to start…lol.

The other book was also recommended by a friend of mine…”Everything Happens For a Reason And Other Lies I’ve Loved” by Kate Bowler. Some background…Bowler is a professor at Duke Divinity school and was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer when her son was just an infant. This book had me in tears so many times. I could see myself in her…I could see Jason in her…there were times I thought “I wonder if that is how Jason felt”. This was one of the passages that hit me in the gut, “I used to think that grief was about looking backward, old men saddled with regrets or young ones pondering should-haves. I see now that it is about eyes squinting through tears into an unbearable future. The world cannot be remade by the sheer force of love. A brutal world demands capitulation to what seems impossible–separation. Brokenness. An end without an ending”. Yes…all of that.

So this morning I woke up with a helluva sore throat…worst sore throat I’ve ever had…but also feeling antsy from being cooped up so many days…and I thought I would get started on my “office space”. Well, that didn’t happen because no sooner did I finish my coffee and I got a text. My vehicles came in today and were ready for pickup. When I let the guy at the dealership know that I have Covid he was absolutely great and said, “Well, if you’re game to pick them up today we can do 99% of everything contactless”. He wasn’t kidding. Who knew you could actually purchase two cars…including dealing with trade-ins…solely over text and email? I literally saw him for less than 5 minutes. Now I have three safe, dependable vehicles with my name on the title. No more worries that my kids are going to be stranded somewhere or get pulled over by the cops…unless they deserve it! And when both license plates start with HPY I definitely see that as a sign that Jason is HAPPY and I made the right choice. I also have one very happy daughter who wasn’t sad at all to say goodbye to her clunker.

I’m hoping my sore throat will be better tomorrow. Thank you to everyone that has checked up on us this week. I appreciate it!

Sorry…I haven’t posted in a few days. I tested positive for Covid on Wednesday and haven’t been feeling well. I’m grateful that on the “Covid scale” I have a relatively mild case and am confident I’ll be just fine, but feeling physically sick is not at all good for my mental health. Nobody wants to read posts with me just feeling whiney and sorry for myself.

This morning as I was feeling frustrated with my sore throat and making myself yet another cup of tea, I was remembering how Jason dealt with cancer with such grace and a positive attitude right up until the end. Honestly, if our places would have been reversed and I would have heard “terminal brain cancer” I would have curled up in a ball and given up right then. I probably would have spent my last days in deep depression. Not Jason. He just took my hand and looked at Dr. Neil and kept saying “what can we do next?” I miss him so much I don’t know if the pain in my chest is my broken heart, a huge gaping hole inside, or Covid…maybe a combination of all three…it just hurts.

One day this week when I was quarantined in my room reading I looked at the time. It was 4:20…and I actually thought to myself for a brief second “oh good…Jason should be getting home from work soon”…and then my next though was “oh yeah FML”. This being a widow gig sucks.

I have had two faithful companions this week who have no qualms about sticking to me like velcro. They drive me crazy and keep me going all at the same time….just like the human children

Today I’m feeling tired and defeated. Levi tested positive for Covid on Sunday evening. He had a cold last week…negative Covid test. Was feeling fine for a few days and then started feeling sick again. Of course NYE happened in those few days he was feeling fine and we were over at Jeremy and Cheryl’s house that night.

Today I woke up with a temp and headache. Seth also has a headache. Our tests were negative, but I’m operating on the assumption that we are positive as well. Anna is feeling fine, but is on a forced quarantine from work and trying to stay away from us so that she can go back on Thursday.

I wish life would settle down with the constant “things” all the damn time. I don’t like feeling like I’m constantly reacting and can’t get my feet under me. Of course, it doesn’t help that I don’t feel well and would really like Jason here to take care of me.

Seth had his online orientation and meeting with his advisor today. He seems excited about school and that makes me really happy…and then sad at the same time when I think of him moving out in a week and a half.

I hope you all are staying healthy!