Tag: Christmas

Christmas 2022

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Jason and I loved Christmas. We loved melding our families’ traditions together and developing our own…working together to make the season magical for our kids. We enjoyed finding the perfect gifts for family and friends. He especially loved buying for the kids. He was the one on his computer on Black Friday and Cyber Monday looking for the best deals. He would always take the kids out shopping to find something for me…and he would always ask for slippers from the kids….always the same style. He knew that I hate wrapping gifts, so he would do it…sometimes getting Anna to help him. He would put everything in boxes and she would do the wrapping. One year they decided not to put any names on the presents, just numbers. It drove the boys crazy not knowing which gifts were theirs. One year he surprised me and came home from work early just so he could wrap all the gifts.

Usually by Christmas Eve morning I would be feeling stressed with all the things on my “To Do” list. We always fondue on Christmas Eve which means a fair amount of cutting various foods in bite-sized pieces. And we do brunch on Christmas Day…some of that needs to be prepped the day before as well. And I like to have a clean house Christmas Eve. It’s hard to relax in a mess. He could always see me starting to get wound up…and I can hear him saying “Babe, what’s on the list?”…and he would just start helping me cross things off. Inevitably I would have forgotten something at the grocery store…I would say “forget it. Not going to the store today” but he would hop in the car and fight the crazy to get the forgotten item. And always interspersed with all of that…so much love and affection for me…a hug…a swat on the butt…a kiss on my neck. To say that I “miss” that is not nearly strong enough.

And then interspersed in the joyful noise of Christmas…unwrapping gifts, games, laughter…looking across a room and catching his eye…enjoying the joy and happiness of our kids together. Then those magical, quiet moments after the kids had gone to bed…or before they got up in the morning…just him and I. Remembering those moments…more than anything…is what has taken me apart several times today. Just to share one more quiet moment with him…just to look in his eyes one more time…

But now Christmas is different. On the surface we do a lot of the same things…fondue and gifts Christmas Eve…brunch Christmas morning. Instead of Jason helping me with my list yesterday, it was the kids. Levi and I worked on wrapping gifts. I celebrated when I found a bag of giftbags Jason had stashed downstairs. He also helped cut up all the stuff for fondue. And all three of them helped prep brunch. We made it. We did it.

Christmas 

Christmas morning
All is quiet
A mug of coffee
Dogs snuggling next to me
Their bodies like furry heaters
 
Outside the world is blanketed
In Snow
White and fluffy
The sun is peeking over the horizon
Treetops interlaced with pinks and oranges
 
Kids will soon stumble out of bed
Christmas hubbub
Now I breathe in the silence
Trying to find peace in my heart
But my heart is in pieces
 
And the tears roll down my cheeks

Merry Christmas

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today we made the best of our first Christmas without Jason. This morning was very rough on me when I was alone in a quiet house…the kids still sleeping. Usually Jason and I would have enjoyed the lazy morning together before working together to get brunch made. Today it was just me and my memories and my tears.

Once the kids got up and Jeremy and Cheryl came over for brunch I had worked through some of my tears and sadness. We enjoyed brunch together…opened gifts…played some games. Traditionally, this is how we usually spend Christmas. We usually just relax…do whatever we feel like doing…just enjoy time together as a family.

This year we decided to go down to Red Wing to Jason’s parent’s house in the afternoon and spend some time with them. Normally, they would have everyone to their house on New Year’s Day to celebrate Christmas, but because of Covid those plans are cancelled this year. It felt really good to see them today. I always feel closer to Jason when I’m around his family that’s missing him too.

Merry Christmas to you and your families.

Christmas Eve

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

My Christmas Eve got better as the day went on. Cheryl and I went to to church this morning. The service was beautiful at River Valley and did a lot to lift my spirits…even though I was choked up many times and teary. Their music ministry is especially powerful there which I really appreciate. You may have guessed through my posts that music is important to me. Why is it that music can say so much more than just words alone??

When I got home Levi was ready to help me tackle prep for Christmas Eve fondue and Christmas brunch. He helped me get everything cut up and the Danish rolls baked. Then he and Seth hung out with me in the afternoon and we watched a few Christmas movies until Anna came home from work.

Fondue Christmas Eve is a Fregien family tradition. I don’t think I had ever even heard of fondue before I met Jason. When we decided to adopt that tradition as well our kids embraced it wholeheartedly and love it so much that they usually want to do it for New Years Eve as well. Twice in one week gets to be a little much for me, but they love it…so…we do it.

After dinner we opened gifts. My kids made me cry when they gave me this mug. It has probably 15ish pictures of Jason and I on it.

As teenagers they can be rather stoic a lot of the time, but I know when they are especially quiet or cranky that those are the times that they are really just missing their Dad. And they know how much I miss him too…and put up with me when I get teary and sad.

After opening gifts we played Phase 10 together and I had an Old-Fashioned in memory of Jason in his tennis glass…with bourbon…not brandy as all my Wisconsin friends and family have them…lol

And now…I’m tired…I miss Jason…but I also feel like the kids and I did okay tonight. We smiled…and laughed…and had some tears (mostly mine)…but we did it.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Christmas Eve Morning

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I have a list of things to do today to get ready for dinner tonight (fondue with the kids) and brunch tomorrow, but instead I’m sitting on the couch feeling lonely and weepy. Jason and I always made a good team on Christmas Eve. He knew doing all the putzy kitchen stuff stressed me out so he would pour me wine and help with everything. He would usually take charge of cutting everything up for fondue while I would do the baking. He was also the pro at putting together the Overnight French Toast for Christmas brunch. Inevitably, I would have forgotten to get something from the grocery store and he would get in the car and fight the crowds without complaint to get the forgotten item…plus usually a few other things he found…because that’s the way Fregien men roll. If I forgot anything in my grocery order yesterday that’s just too bad…we’re going to have to make do without.

Thank you to everyone that is keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers this Christmas. I did have several special deliveries to my door yesterday that made me smile and reminded me that even though “my person” is no longer here, I still do have “my people”.

Blue Christmas

The spirit of Christmas fills the air
I used to feel it too
Now all I feel is empty inside
No joy in my heart without you.

I’m going through the motions
Putting up the tree
Buying gifts and baking
Missing you here with me.

Grief is my constant companion now
Sadness overflows my eyes
Everywhere I look reminds me
Of our last goodbyes.

Empty spaces everywhere
That used to be filled with you
Now your ghost is all we have
Christmas not white, but blue.

The kids and I will do our best
Keeping alive tradition
But every second of the Holiday
It will be you we’re missing.
Candles Lit in Jason’s Memory at the Empty Chair Service

GLOW Fest

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I took a mental health day off of work today. Yesterday, was a better day at work than Tuesday was, but when I decided to take today off I felt like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I think yesterday was emotionally draining for me more than anything. The Club is busy…lots of people with family in from out of town…kids home from college…kids off school…the Christmas buzz is in the air…and I really just want to pull what’s left of my family in close and not leave the house for a few days. I don’t begrudge anyone their Christmas Spirit…this used to be my favorite time of year…but that’s just not the place I’m at now.

Last night the kids and I went with Jeremy and Cheryl and their family to the GLOW fest at the State Fair Grounds. If you live in the area I highly recommend it. The tickets are a little spendy, but if you are looking for something a little special to do I think it’s worth it. I’m really glad that we went. I think we needed a little Forced Fregien Family Fun. Being without Jason at things like that is really hard though…and something I’m not sure I will ever get used to…or that will ever get easier. I wanted him beside me so I could hold onto his elbow as we strolled along in the lights. We would have taken selfies. He would have gotten hot chocolate while I really enjoyed the mulled wine. I would have nuzzled my nose into his neck when it got cold. Instead I was watching the kids…happy that they seemed to be having a good time…wiping tears from my cheeks before they froze.

Sunday Tired Day

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I’m just feeling fully exhausted today…and not the type that can be solved with a nap. It was great having Anna home this weekend and having more time with our kids…but also tiring not having much down time and trying to keep my mood up for them. I’m continually working on getting accounts and whatnot switched over to my name…lots of frustrations and roadblocks with that. Work has been frustrating and stressful…thank God for awesome coworkers at least. Health issues in my extended family are causing me worry and stress and flashbacks to taking care of Jason. All of that combined with deeply missing Jason…and then the holiday season…I just want to get in bed…pull Jason’s quilt up over me…and stay there all day.

I have read a fair amount of articles about getting through the holidays without your loved one. The common thread through all of them has been “don’t do what you don’t feel like doing”. Honestly, none of the authors of those articles must have had kids, because that is complete bullshit. I don’t feel like doing any of the normal holiday things…but when I ask our kids what they want to do, they want to do all of our usual traditional things…so that’s what we’ll do…and I’m already exhausted just thinking about it. I know that they desperately just want things to feel “normal”.

One of the things that I always enjoyed so much about the holidays was just the extra time together. I loved the long Thanksgiving weekend…start it out with family…but then spend the rest quiet at home…just enjoying each other. And then at Christmas-time Jason would always have off work the whole week between Christmas and New Years…and that was my absolute FAVORITE. I loved having him home. We just loved spending time together.

Fondue! Christmas 2019

Tree is Up

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I feel like I spent a lot of time this weekend “chasing peace”…trying to figure out the right combination of “alone time” and “people time”…and how to make sure “alone time” doesn’t just feel like “lonely time”.

Saturday morning the boys and I had our usual breakfast together. I had a really good talk with them about how I am feeling lonely and really need them to spend a little time with me in the evenings…more than the 10 minutes it takes to gulp down dinner. I think they took my words to heart because they worked together yesterday morning to install a doorbell for me. Then Levi had tennis and Seth went to work, but Levi installed a thermostat in the afternoon for me as well.

This morning I had breakfast with my friend Vicki…always a great way to start out Sunday. Then Levi helped me “Christmas” our house a little bit while Seth was at work. While Levi had his tennis lesson this afternoon I met a friend for coffee…which was great…friends and coffee are always a good idea 🙂 Seth hung out with me while I made dinner…yes, I set off the smoke alarm…it just isn’t a homemade meal without it I guess. Then another friend came over for a few drinks this evening.

It’s really hard to balance because being alone quickly becomes lonely…but being too busy gives me anxiety. I do know that I do better when I am able to connect with people in “my tribe” in some way…drinks, coffee, breakfast, etc. As much as I want to just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head I am realizing that I need to be connecting with people to keep my mental and emotional health in a good-ish place.

The Holidays are throwing a whole new element into the mix. Christmas is usually my favorite time of year and I am just dreading it this year. I tried to go out Christmas shopping yesterday…got teary…and just came home. Usually Jason would be all about helping me come up with ideas for the kids and shopping with me. I just don’t want to do it. I bought a fake tree from Target today because I don’t feel like doing a real one. Jason was the one that always made sure the tree was watered and I’m sure that without him it would just lose all it’s needles before Christmas even comes. Levi put up the tree and helped me put out my gnomes…they always make me smile. The tree might not get decorated, but it’s up. I’m trying to make an effort for the kids and kind of take my cues from them…what they want to do…what they don’t really care about…but we’re all struggling.