Tag: alexandria

Fregiens in Alexandria

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I just spent the past five days vacationing in Alexandria with Jason’s family. It was a pretty emotional five days for me and really gave me a lot to process. There were moments where I was really having a good time…moments where I was ready to go home…moments where I just needed to be alone…moments where I hated feeling alone. I am extremely glad that I went, but holy shit it was A LOT.

This is the first time that Jason’s parents and his siblings and spouses have done any sort of vacation like this. Unfortunately, not all of them could make it…but hopefully next year, as I’m pretty sure it will become an annual thing. Spending time like that was priceless. I’m sad that they never planned something like this when Jason was alive because he would have absolutely loved it. But, maybe it is one of those things that takes a tragedy to set in motion…when we realize that life is too fleeting to keep putting things off for “next year”.

Being around Jason’s family for that length of time and navigating my place without him was difficult, but they are all fantastic and make me feel like I belong. I loved listening to stories…even heard some new ones I hadn’t before! They aren’t afraid to talk about Jason in front of me…and I LOVE that!

The hardest thing for me by far was just being around couples and how acutely that made me miss Jason’s presence beside me. Just watching all the little things going on around me. The little touches…cuddles…kisses…whispered conversation that couples do. Things they probably didn’t even realize they were doing. I was so jealous of all of that. Sitting by the fire last night I would have given anything to have Jason sitting next to me just to cuddle into his side and lay my head on his shoulder. Just that would have been heaven.

Yesterday was a kind of rainy day and instead of sitting in the cabin the couples paired off and made little plans of their own to do things…spend a little time by themselves. Jason and I would for sure have done the same thing…got out of the cabin for a little bit…found something to do by ourselves…got coffee…gone through a carwash…parked by a lake…who cares what it would have been. And that’s about the time I went into a bit of an emotional tailspin and knew I needed a break. I left the cabin by myself and drove to the lake that Jason and I celebrated our 20th anniversary at…parked at the public fishing pier right by the cabin and fell apart by myself for awhile. Coincidentally, that cabin is for sale so if someone has $250,000 laying around and wants to buy it for me that would be cool. A part of my heart is in that cabin. When I think back to the last time I was happy…it’s always there.

I came back to the cabin and went to my room and filled my head with music for awhile. Then, I was able to get my shit together and had a good time at Carlos Creek Winery and 22 Northmen Brewing Company in the afternoon. Sometimes a good beer or two helps to tone down the “noise” enough that I can interact and have fun. Don’t judge. We all have vices.

Now to get ready for another week ahead. Hopefully my siding will be finished in the next couple days. Would love to put a giant checkmark by that project!

Shenanigans

Six Months

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Yesterday, was the six month anniversary of Jason’s death. Only six months…already six months…either way when I think about it I start to hyperventilate.

On Thursday morning I got to work and immediately knew that there was no way I was going to be able to work Friday. I had it in my head that I wanted to go to Alexandria for the day. Jason and I stayed at a little cabin there for our 20th wedding anniversary. He had had one surgery at that point and hadn’t had any seizures yet. It was the last time he and I got away. The last time he was still himself. Yes, he had headaches and was tired, but we were happy. A little over a month later he had his first seizure and the downward spiral quickened.

Right by the cabin there is a public boat landing and fishing pier and I just wanted to sit there and try to feel close to him somehow. Maybe go out to lunch at Lure Lake Bar…where we went and had dinner on the patio and listened to live music.

Winter put a crimp in my plans…snowing when I woke up…cold…it just didn’t seem like a practical plan. I miss him so much. I would do anything to just somehow feel him close to me…instead I just feel alone, an outsider, a novelty…like people are watching me to see what I’ll do next. Some days I’m pretty sure I’m going to break…somehow I keep going whether I want to or not. I’m not strong. I just keep doing what needs to be done.

It was a pretty horrible day. I tried to get some stuff done around the house. I wrote a lot…but nothing that anyone should ever read. I cried and cried and cried. I saw Jeremy and Cheryl….tried to pick myself up a little bit…

6 months…maybe that’s when the shock wears off and reality hits like a effing sledgehammer. “You don’t deserve happiness” BAM “You held your love in your arms and watched him die” BAM “You can’t do this on your own” BAM “Your future is a big black hole” BAM “You have nothing to look forward to” BAM “You are not enough for your kids” BAM “It should have been you” BAM BAM BAM

Ironically, it feels like six months is when society thinks some “moving on” should be happening. Well, that’s just complete bullshit.

The Power of Poetry

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I brought one book with me this weekend. It is a book of poetry that grabbed my attention: “100 Poems to Break Your Heart” by Edward Hirsch. Maybe an odd choice as I clearly don’t need my heart broken any further, but I am really enjoying it. Hirsch compiled poems from the last two hundred years from all over the world and then does a literary breakdown of them….which would be hell on Earth for some people to read, but my English Lit brain loves it. In his introduction he says “Poetry companions us. Poems are written in solitude, but they reach out to others, which makes poetry a social act”….”We become less isolated in our sorrow, and thus are befriended by the words of another.” LOVE that!

This poem has been writing itself in my head for the past 24 hours…insisting that I spit it out on a page.

The Phoenix

I come to the place of past happiness
Alone
When I arrive the night air is nippy and
Dark
I open the door and am welcomed by sweet
Warmth
I thought this place would bring sadness coming
Alone

Instead I feel like I am able to breathe to
Exhale
I wrestle the cork out of my wine bottle and
Sigh
My physical body is spent my spiritual body
Exhausted
I turn down the duvet on the double bed and
Balk

I pilch the pillows and a blanket and shuffle to the sofa
Solitary Sleep

The sun rises in the morning in breathtaking
Beauty
A solitary green heron watches with me in
Stillness
I wonder if it’s the same one I saw when I was not
Alone
I shift and it startles gives me one last stare and
Soars

The steam from my coffee cup rises in the
Cold
My nose is nippy and I wish for your warm neck to
Nuzzle
I sit and ruminate on the nature of being
Alone
How to find elusive peace and happiness in this unwelcome 
Solitude

My toes and fingers have now joined my nose in the nip I seek warmth
Inside

I take refuge in my makeshift nest of blankets and pillows seeking
Comfort
One thought is blaring above the rest who am I
Now
Before it was easy as a beloved mother and
Wife
Now a new unwelcome me has intruded named
Widow

The counselor says through grief there is a
Transformation
I loved the me I was before when we were
Us
This transformation sounds tenuous and
Painful
I want to retreat back into my cocoon and
Sleep

I feel like fading into forever except I have a crucial role as
Mother

In the evening I build a fire and feel the
Heat
A lone seagull sits and screeches shrilly
Calling
I feel like we are kindred spirits on this earthly
Plane
The lake is calm also holding secrets in its
Depths

The fire burned hot and fast now
Dying
The wood turns first to coal and then to
Ash
My mind imagines another fire a
Pyre
Your body like the wood first coal then
Ash

I struggle to rise anew as a phoenix out of the
Flame

Morning Ruminations

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Usually when the sun comes up in the morning I am annoyed with it blaring right into my eyes as I am driving Levi to Eastview. This morning I was able to take it in and enjoy it’s beauty and feel almost optimistic for a brand new day.

Watching couples together is emotional for me. Not that I need or want couples to stay away from me…not at all. It just really makes me miss Jason and being in that kind of relationship…that secret world where only the two of you exist. This morning there were two couples in a boat that trolled in front of the cabin for hours fishing. I found myself just watching them and making up little stories in my head about them.

In order to ever find any kind of peace I need to try to let go of a lot of anger, hurt, regret, doubt from the past year and a half…and longer. Some of it at myself. Some at other people. None of which I am going to unpack in this blog…I’m not that person.

In order to ever find any sort of happiness again I have to start loving myself in the same way Jason loved me. He left me the perfect blueprint for what to do…I just need to follow it. He knew the things that would “fill my cup”…a lot of them I spoke about in his Eulogy. He knew “when to hand me my running shoes, pour me a glass of wine, leash up the dogs for a hike in the woods, hold me tight”. My running shoes gave me his permission to take a break…get out of the house…do something good for myself…lose myself in music or thoughts. A glass of wine usually went hand-in-hand with something quiet…a book…a quiet evening on the couch…games with our kids. A hike in the woods connected me with nature…took me away from my own small worries and fears and let me see the bigger picture. Just having this short time in this cabin by the lake I can feel my perspectives shift in a way that is almost tangible. It’s the “hold me tight” that’s hard…maybe it’s just remembering my links to other people…and that I am not alone…even though it feels that way sometimes.

The sun is finally warming it up outside after a cool morning. Jason would be proud of me for all the warm clothes I packed, but they weren’t enough to enjoy sitting outside for very long this morning. I’m going to try it again…

Thoughts While Driving

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I made it to Alexandria! The cabin is nice and warm and toasty. I brought wood to make a fire outside, but it’s chilly and dark outside….with a chance of bats. I’ll do that tomorrow.

As I was driving here I had some random memories and thoughts pop into my head that made me smile. One…there is a lot of road construction on 94!! I hate driving in road construction. My hands are white knuckled in the 10 and 2 and I am a ball of stress. Last year when Jason and I drove up here there was also road construction on 94. He was not driving by that point, so he was navigating. I think we were near St. Michael when he told me to take an exit. I didn’t know why at first but soon realized he was navigating me to a Caribou drive-thru. I was so happy after I had my coffee!! He knew what I needed to take my stress down a bit.

This afternoon I debated stopping and putting gas in my car before I left. I didn’t because I just wanted to get on the road and wanted to be driving more North than West when the sun would be in my eyes. Then I got driving and didn’t want to stop in the road construction areas on 94…so I kept driving. Finally I got out of the construction and determined that I would take the next exit. I take the exit just as my gas light goes on. My gas light coming on is like instant anxiety overload for me. Jason would laugh at me and tell me to chill and that I still have a lot of miles left. Of course the exit was one of those where the gas station is a few miles down the road in a little town. By the time I got there I had convinced myself that I was going to run out of gas and was all worried about what I was going to do. Needless to say, I didn’t run out of gas.

When I got here I went into the kitchen to open my bottle of wine…and immediately remembered that the kitchen has every other thing you could possibly need…except a wine opener. Last year I bought one when we went into town and it is on my fridge at home. I found a broken one in a drawer…basically just the screw part…and muscled the cork out of the bottle. Success!

Now I’m cozy…wine in hand…no agenda…just to be

Alexandria, I’m Coming

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Sometimes I forget that losing the love of my life doesn’t mean that I’ve lost everyone who loves me….and then I am reminded.

Yesterday I felt like I was at a very low point…feeling like I was trying to pick myself up…do things that are good for me…and in the end just being exhausted. My days are so full of “stuff” that I “have to” do…by the time I sit to have a few moments to myself it is often 9pm or later and I am just oh so tired. I process my thoughts for a few moments by writing…so grateful that I discovered this outlet and was encouraged to keep at it by so many people…and then collapsing in to bed.

Yesterday I was trying to make dinner and cry at the same time…couldn’t even blame it on onions…and I started texting with my besties from high school…saying I was just done and really needed some time alone. A couple insensitive comments had been made to me by different people and I was hanging on by a thread…trying to remember that people just don’t think before their mouths start flapping. When I was asked where I would want to go it just popped into my head…I really want to go back to the cabin in Alexandria where Jason and I stayed for a few days last August to celebrate our anniversary.

So thanks to them and to several other friends that are holding down the fort for me at home…I am taking some time…to sit by the lake…write…read…cry…hopefully find some little shred of peace so that I can come back even the tiniest bit better.

21 Year Anniversary

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3 days ago I spent our 21st Wedding Anniversary without Jason. It was a very hard day for me. I woke up in the morning brutally sad from the first opening of my eyes….tears just would not stop rolling down my cheeks. I kept trying to pull myself together, but it was a struggle. Up until this point, every time I would see elderly couples together celebrating 60+ years together I would envision Jason and I like that…old and wrinkled and still very much in love…embracing the Grandma/Grandpa life. It hit very hard and hurts very deep the brutal truth that will never be us.

Last August for our 20th Anniversary we took a little getaway and stayed at a cabin on a lake in Alexandria. The pictures from that trip have been showing up on my Facebook memories. Jason was still doing pretty well back then health-wise. He had memory issues and confusion, but for the most part he was still “my Jason”. He hadn’t suffered from seizures yet or had his second brain surgery…the two things that he really never recovered from.

I knew deep down that there was a very real possibility that Jason and I would not spend another anniversary together. It was very hard for me to live in the moment and enjoy every second with that knowledge looming over my head, but for the most part I did and we made a lot of good memories that trip…fished…walked through Downtown Alexandria…went to a winery…went out to eat at a place that had live music outside on the patio.

This is one of my favorite pictures of us…while he was sick anyway…and it is from that trip.