I painted our bedroom yesterday. I’ve had the paint for a few weeks, but then the weekends got busy. I finally had a day yesterday where I could spend the whole day getting it done. I love the way it turned out. Jason and I have always painted our bedroom purple in every house we have lived in. We never got around to it in this house, although we had talked about it. It felt like a little bit of a therapy project for me. Listening to music. Thinking. Trying to use the monotony of the project to calm myself down.
And now today I am sore, tired, and pissed off at the world.
Last week a friend of mine asked me how it makes me feel when someone says, “Have a good day” or “Happy Easter”. Her question was very touching because I don’t think many people think of how simple phrases like that affect someone who is grieving. A “good day”…eh…not likely. It might just suck less than other days. And holidays are worse…because no matter what happens, the pain of the missing loved one is overwhelming. Did I have a nice Easter? Absolutely. I think it was as good as it could be under the circumstances. Did I miss Jason the whole entire day so bad it hurt? Absolutely. But do I think you should stop saying “Have a good day”? No, I think of it as you just wishing I have the best day I can under the circumstances and that you are thinking about me.
For me the hurt is a little better when I am among people who are hurting and missing him too. When I was sitting at Jason’s sister’s yesterday I noticed she has a photo cube sitting on her table and on one of the sides is a picture of her and Jason from Jeremy’s wedding. That made me smile…and get teary…but it was a good teary. One of my fears is that Jason will be forgotten. That no one will want to talk about him and reminisce with me about good memories and happier times. So when I am among people that I feel comfortable talking about him with, it eases my fears a little bit.
If you ever see me and wonder if you should bring up Jason, please do! He is always right in the front of my mind. I might get teary, but that’s okay! As a wise woman once told me “you have to feel it, to heal it”.
Landmine
A powder keg
A landmine
Hair-trigger emotion.
You tiptoe around
Don’t say his name
Avoiding a chain reaction.
And are you relieved
As long as my cheeks are dry?
Inside my scream is deafening.
And I yearn to talk to you-
Cry on your shoulder-
You never ask how I’m feeling.
Do you think that I can just move on?
He may be gone,
But I still wear his band.
And maybe someday I’ll be happy
But that day is not today.
Grief doesn’t follow a plan.
We had a really nice day today. Ribs and cheesy potatoes for lunch at Jason’s sister’s house. Usually eating ribs is not my favorite, but Brent always smokes them so perfectly that the meat falls right off the bone…no gross gnawing required…lol. We visited for a little while before heading home so that Anna could head back to school. It was really nice…especially since their cat left me alone…ha! Not a cat person.
The kids humored me with a picture…
I’ve been using an app called Yousician to learn how to play the piano. It has been really fun. I get frustrated sometimes and have to remind myself to be patient…ha! I’m really good with C-G on my right hand…going beyond that takes a lot of brain work right now…but I wanted a new challenge right? I have found that I need to wait until I am by myself to try to play otherwise I will soon get “bumped off the bench” by a kid showing me how it’s done. It’s not fair that those young minds pick things up so much more quickly. I suppose it helps that they already know how to read music and are in band!
I got Anna back off to school and Levi dropped off at his tennis lesson and then visited Jason’s bench for a little bit. The weather was…of course…gross by that time…but it felt good to go there for a little bit and clear my head. Lately it feels like there’s “everything and nothing” going on in my head all at the same time. Like my thoughts are spinning so fast they have all just turned into a foggy blur and I can’t focus on anything.
The piano has been a big hit in our house…with everyone except Seth. He likes to listen to music…play it? Not so much. It is something that Anna and Levi can bond over though…which is a really good thing for the two that spend a lot of time butting heads!
This morning we had breakfast with Levi’s girlfriend, Svea’s family. I have known her parents for years, so it wasn’t too stressful. In fact, Jason and I played doubles against them once…and beat them! It was another one of those times though were I really missed Jason. Another reminder that our family isn’t complete anymore. Just me here…trying to hold it all together.
This afternoon Svea had a tennis match and Levi and I went to watch her. Since Svea’s parents both play tennis and Levi has been in drills and things with them quite a bit he is really comfortable with them. He stood by her Dad and the two of them chatted during the whole match. I can’t imagine there are very many 14 year-olds that would feel that comfortable talking to their girlfriend’s Dad!
This evening my whole Grief Counseling Group gathered IN PERSON together for the first time. One of them lives in Colorado and she is in town for the weekend so we were able to all get together for a meal and to hang out for a little bit. We had some good laughs.
Speaking of counseling I was finally able to get in for an individual session with a therapist yesterday. I was actually supposed to have a virtual session with her on Wednesday, but we had technical difficulties so ended up rescheduling for in-person yesterday. I think the technical difficulties were a blessing in disguise because in-person seems like it will be so much better. It was just the initial intake session…so pretty basic…but I really like the therapist and find her very easy to talk to. I see her again in two weeks.
Tomorrow we are looking forward to going to Jason’s sister Jenny’s house for Easter lunch. It will just be her family and ours, so pretty low-key…which is my preferred vibe these days.
Lots of poetry rambling around in my head lately. Sometimes it makes it’s way out into something that makes some sense.
Rearview
And I yearn to scream
But I stay silent.
The voices in my head are loud
Obliterating the quiet.
Questions circling in my mind
I don’t dare to voice.
So many emotions hold me hostage
Paralyzed in a vise.
I try to find some peace in poetry,
Music, a glass of wine.
But pain and loneliness are constant
Companions for all time.
And time seems to stretch on forever
A solitary road into the future.
Hopes and dreams are nonexistent
Just a shapeless blur.
And I don’t know what to look forward to
With the best days in my rearview.
I keep looking back over my shoulder
Hoping for one more glimpse of you.
An addition to our house arrived today in the form of a “new to us” piano! None of us really play piano yet, but Levi has been learning on his keyboard and I am looking forward to learning how to play something more than “Ode to Joy” as well. I have been having a hard time getting into any of the hobbies I had before and need a new past time. I think she looks beautiful against our newly-painted walls.
Music has always spoken to me, but it has become a huge part of my days the past eight months. Frank Ocean said, “When you’re happy, you enjoy the music but when you’re sad, you understand the lyrics”. That is so very true. Songs that I have heard a million times can now bring me to tears. And listening to “happy” music right now is impossible for me. I just don’t feel it. The playlists that Spotify customizes for me based on my music preferences are probably not something most people would enjoy…but they get me where I’m at right now. In music I find my kindred spirit…that some person out there in this world who gets it. Well, that and poetry…of course. And bonus…Emmett seems to like the piano!
Today I went to watch Levi play his high school match. He is playing 3 singles this year. It was his second match of the season, but the first that I have watched. He played at Bloomington South. It was emotional for me to go watch him on a few levels. One…Jason would have loved being there watching him play. One of his greatest joys in life is watching his boys play tennis. He would have been so proud of the work that Levi has put into his tennis game this past year to reach his goal of being put into the singles line up. Two…going to Bloomington South…especially the back bubble..is a huge emotional trigger for me. In fact, it almost prevented me from going to watch him today. I almost went home instead. I spent so much time sitting on those bleachers watching Jason play USTA matches. I really miss watching him play. He was so fun to watch. His love for the sport came through in the way he played. He also loved it when I would come watch him. He would always try to get put on a court where I would have the best view.
Tomorrow, Anna is coming home for the weekend. I am looking forward to having the kids all home for a couple days.
April 10, 2021 Jason had his second seizure. At least I knew this time what to watch for…what was going on…when he stopped making sense and was unable to answer questions coherently. I remember the triage nurse in the ER asking him what he had been doing at home. He replied “killing girls”. Ummm….nope. Thankfully, they let me stay with him in the ER. He might not have been able to tell them my name, but he definitely knew me and trusted me to help him. Those eyes looking at me…
Writing tonight is hard. I keep finding myself…deleting…deleting…deleting. A whole mess of feelings going on tonight I guess. A lot of triggers going on for me lately…reminders of my new unwelcome reality. Emotions winding me up…needing Jason here to help unwind me…bring me back to level…remind me of the important things. Decisions hanging over my head…feeling paralyzed…like there’s a lot on my shoulders. Keeping my mouth shut…keeping a lot inside…swallowing it all down….letting my feelings get trampled in the process. Feeling judged.
A few changes in the family this week. Levi officially has a girlfriend. He is dating a girl that he met through tennis…a tennis romance!…and has been good friends with for a month or so. I really like her. So far their dates have consisted of going to Life Time and playing tennis or pickleball together, but I hear they might go see a movie this week! Seth moved back home. He is finishing up his classes for the semester online. It feels good to have him home. He might try moving out again for fall semester…we’ll see!
Last night I went out to dinner with my friends Terri and Diane. We had a great time…as we always do. Seriously, the tables around us should probably be paying extra for the entertainment. Three widows out for dinner is sometimes not the conversation you would expect…we go from teary-eyed to laughing so hard we’re crying…and back again…so many times. I am so grateful to have these two ladies in my life. I don’t have to pretend with them…sugarcoat things…act like I’m fine when I’m not. I can be real with them.
And then last night I couldn’t sleep…again. There’s just so much running through my head. Whys and Hows mostly. I’m sure you can imagine the questions….Why did God tear Jason away from his family? How is that a plan that in any way makes sense? How could he possibly be in a better place than here on Earth with his family? etc. etc. etc. Honestly, if God has some sort of big plan I think He needs to reevaluate what He’s doing.
God's Plan?
God has a plan
They say.
For every woman
And every man.
Trust Him
They say.
Nothing is a whim
But part of the grand design.
I want to say yes-
It would be easier
Than this doubt I guess.
But I don’t understand.
How is tearing a good man
Away from his wife and kids
In any way a good plan?
It doesn’t make sense.
Have faith
They say.
Happiness is still in your path.
All I see is sadness.
He’s in a better place
They say.
But his favorite space
Was here.
I know he didn’t want to go.
So why?
Why am I left solo?
There must be some mistake.
I’ve kept pretty busy the past few days. Wednesday night I went out with my friend Terri and my sister-in-law Cheryl. We had a good night out and even got lucky at pull tabs…bonus! Thursday night Levi and I hung out with our friend Erik. I gave him wedding planning advice and he taught Levi how to pour a Guinness….life skills. Friday night Levi and I hung out together playing board games. The Game of Life…not as fun as I thought it was when I was a kid. Yesterday I spent the day with my sister-in-law Jenny. We stopped at Jason’s bench and then went to a big craft fair. Now that I have freshly painted walls I need some new decor! I found a couple things. Today I had lunch with friends of ours from college…played pickleball…and then Levi and I went out to dinner with my friend Melonie.
And I was happy…..but…
And I had a good time….but…
I smiled…but…
I laughed….but…
The sadness is always there….right beneath the surface.
And then I get home to our house…where he should be…get into our bed with a dog or two instead of him…and just pray that I fall asleep fast so that I don’t have time to fall apart.
And I don’t want to have to face another day…but I will. Tomorrow will be 8 months of days without him. I look back at pictures of happier times…25 years of happy times…and I smile and laugh…and then remember that we will never be able to make memories together ever again…and that’s when I can’t breathe past the lump in my throat and the tears won’t stop falling.
I wasn’t going to write about this, but then I thought…you put everything else out on your blog why not this? Speak your truth. One of my favorite quotes is by F. Scott Fitzgerald. He said “You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say”. So here it is. I’m not looking for a whole bunch of comments…just putting out there what goes through my messed up mind and shattered heart.
As many of you know Anna loves plants. She has way more plants stuffed in her dorm room than the majority of people have in their whole house. I have absolutely no doubt. When she came home for Spring Break she left some of them here so that she doesn’t have so many to transport when she comes home for the summer. I don’t have any houseplants of my own. I am not good at them. When she left on Sunday I said something along the lines of “Oh boy you’re trusting me to keep all these plants alive” and then the next thought in my mind that I stopped the second before it fell out of my mouth was “I couldn’t even keep your Dad alive how can you trust me with your plants?”
And this is where I don’t need your comments because I know that Jason getting cancer wasn’t my fault and I made the best decisions I could at the time with the information I had. I know that….but also there’s part of me that doesn’t believe that. I didn’t love him enough. I didn’t ask the right questions. I should have gotten him in the trial instead of starting Avastin. I should have taken him down to Mayo. I should have quit working and spent more time with him. I just wasn’t enough. Nothing I did was enough. And he paid the price.
And that feeling of not being enough continues. Now I somehow have to be enough for my kids. I can’t fail another person in my family. And I know that I have help…and am very grateful for it…but at the end of the day I am their Mom…the only parent they have left. What other people see as strength….yeah…that’s actually fear…fear of letting them down…fear of messing up their lives more than losing their Dad already has. That’s what gets me out of bed in the morning…love for my kids and a whole shit-ton of fear.
And It's Now
And it’s now and
Now and
Now and
Now
That I miss you the most.
Between this breath and
Next and
Next and
Next
That my thoughts are full of you.
My grief is overwhelming as tears
Fall and
Fall and
Fall
I am drowning.
And I look up to the sky and scream
Why and
Why and
Why
Today Anna and I visited Jason’s bench and tied some purple and gray bows on it. Purple because it’s his favorite color…and gray for brain cancer awareness. I was hoping to find some ribbon with tennis balls on it, but they didn’t have any at Michael’s. I’ll have to see if I can find some to order from Amazon….they have everything right?
One of the things that I have been struggling with because Jason was cremated is not having a grave to visit. Somewhere that I can feel close to him and at peace…and maybe actually take a full breath or two. I feel like this bench will help with that need. It is less than a mile away from our house and right on my way to work. Easy to swing in and sit…even if just for a few moments.
Anna and Seth went back to school today. It was so hard to say goodbye to them. I am grateful to my parents and to my sister Emily and brother-in-law Tim for helping to get Seth here. I really enjoyed having all my chicks in the nest for a week, even though I worked and they were busy with their own things…just knowing we were all under the same roof at night brought peace to my heart.
Now to get ready for another week of work. Levi goes back to school and starts tennis tryouts tomorrow. We could use some better weather this week!
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 