Too Many Emotions

April 10, 2021 Jason had his second seizure. At least I knew this time what to watch for…what was going on…when he stopped making sense and was unable to answer questions coherently. I remember the triage nurse in the ER asking him what he had been doing at home. He replied “killing girls”. Ummm….nope. Thankfully, they let me stay with him in the ER. He might not have been able to tell them my name, but he definitely knew me and trusted me to help him. Those eyes looking at me…

Writing tonight is hard. I keep finding myself…deleting…deleting…deleting. A whole mess of feelings going on tonight I guess. A lot of triggers going on for me lately…reminders of my new unwelcome reality. Emotions winding me up…needing Jason here to help unwind me…bring me back to level…remind me of the important things. Decisions hanging over my head…feeling paralyzed…like there’s a lot on my shoulders. Keeping my mouth shut…keeping a lot inside…swallowing it all down….letting my feelings get trampled in the process. Feeling judged.

A few changes in the family this week. Levi officially has a girlfriend. He is dating a girl that he met through tennis…a tennis romance!…and has been good friends with for a month or so. I really like her. So far their dates have consisted of going to Life Time and playing tennis or pickleball together, but I hear they might go see a movie this week! Seth moved back home. He is finishing up his classes for the semester online. It feels good to have him home. He might try moving out again for fall semester…we’ll see!