Tag: widow

Alexandria, I’m Coming

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Sometimes I forget that losing the love of my life doesn’t mean that I’ve lost everyone who loves me….and then I am reminded.

Yesterday I felt like I was at a very low point…feeling like I was trying to pick myself up…do things that are good for me…and in the end just being exhausted. My days are so full of “stuff” that I “have to” do…by the time I sit to have a few moments to myself it is often 9pm or later and I am just oh so tired. I process my thoughts for a few moments by writing…so grateful that I discovered this outlet and was encouraged to keep at it by so many people…and then collapsing in to bed.

Yesterday I was trying to make dinner and cry at the same time…couldn’t even blame it on onions…and I started texting with my besties from high school…saying I was just done and really needed some time alone. A couple insensitive comments had been made to me by different people and I was hanging on by a thread…trying to remember that people just don’t think before their mouths start flapping. When I was asked where I would want to go it just popped into my head…I really want to go back to the cabin in Alexandria where Jason and I stayed for a few days last August to celebrate our anniversary.

So thanks to them and to several other friends that are holding down the fort for me at home…I am taking some time…to sit by the lake…write…read…cry…hopefully find some little shred of peace so that I can come back even the tiniest bit better.

Winnie the Pooh

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I am so out of sorts today I am having a hard time even getting my words down. Maybe as I write about my weekend something will start to make sense. Friday evening was such a good surprise with Anna coming home. I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with her and am so proud of her.

Yesterday, Anna and I went to Taylors Falls and a winery up there with Jeremy and Cheryl, my SIL Jackie, and our friend Ian. We walked around downtown Taylors Falls and enjoyed going in the little shops there. Anna was excited to find some pots and plants. I found a few goodies too…including a galvanized steel pail with a gnome cut out of the side. I may have more than a slight obsession with gnomes. I also bought a matted print of this quote by Winnie the Pooh, “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live a hundred minus one day, so I would never have to live a day without you”. Ooof….that just hit me right in the feels…and I can’t stop thinking about it

The winery was nice. The wine was good. There were a couple guys playing live music. I was just having a hard time having a good time. I felt like I was sitting there and everything was going on around me…and I just…was. All these couples there together…having a nice relaxing day. There was a young couple there with their baby and dog…dancing around to the music….probably not even realizing how damn lucky they are.

At one point I grabbed my wine glass…not realizing a bee had landed on the outside…and got stung. Right on the knuckle of my ring finger. I took my rings off right away…my wedding ring and Jason’s band…because my knuckle swelled up. The bee was probably Jason’s way of telling me to stop drinking so much.

I really hate not having my rings on though. Last night I had a dream that I was looking all over the place for them. Everyone kept asking me “why would you want them? You’re not married anymore.” But I am. I so am.

So today has been hard. I was putting laundry away this morning and just sat in my closet sobbing. I don’t outright cry that much. I get teary…yes…but downright sobbing…not very much. Maybe it’s because I just feel so numb a lot of the time….just going through the motions.

The thought running through my head today that I’m sure stems from that Winnie the Pooh quote…we are told all the time through songs and other media that love is finding that person that we can’t live without…what are we supposed to do when we find that person, but then have to live without them? Honestly, I’m kind of pissed that I have to figure it out. Why don’t Jason and I deserve our happily-ever-after?

Anna and I

Birthday Recap

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Today is my birthday…44 years. I have always loved my birthday. This year I was dreading it. I have felt myself getting wound up about it for the past week or so…my body and emotions just getting tighter and tighter. This morning was the first morning where I really did not want to even get out of bed. I just laid there and laid there and laid there…before finally getting up 20 minutes before I had to be out the door. I missed Jason’s “Happy Birthday Babe” voice in my ear….so much

I had contemplated trying to take some if not all of the day off work today. I am glad that I didn’t because I really felt the love there today. My work peeps continue to take care of me…coffee, chocolate, lunch, flowers, cards, check-ins. Having my mind semi-occupied and being around people was much better than roaming around the house. At least I had people around to hug me when I was teary….and I was many, many times.

Anna called to wish me a Happy Birthday this afternoon. She is doing so good at school. I’m glad that she is having such a great year and having a fantastic college experience. The boys made plans with Jeremy and Cheryl (my BIL and SIL) to take me out for dinner. We went to a newer restaurant in Apple Valley that we had not been to before. A few friends met us there which was a great surprise. Dinner followed by drinks and cards was exactly what I needed today.

I had so many other calls, texts, porch drops, cards, etc from family and friends that I have not had a chance to respond to yet…my day was kept so busy. Thank you…thank you…for thinking about me today. It means so much to me. I appreciate you all.

All of these “first time” things without the love of my life are excruciatingly hard. I don’t even know how to explain it. I just wish he were still here at my side…enjoying life together like we were supposed to be…for many, many more years. It’s hard to find joy in life without my love to share it with.

Good-ish Weekend

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My weekend didn’t completely suck! Yes, I’m exhausted. Yes, I cried. Yes, I miss Jason so bad it hurts inside…but I did manage to find some moments of genuine happiness, smiles, and laughs.

Friday night Levi and I cooked dinner together. I really don’t like cooking much. I hate trying to come up with what to make and then having all the right ingredients and then having the energy to make it. Ugh. Levi and I decided to try a meal subscription service called “Hello Fresh”. We picked 4 meals for the week and they delivered all the ingredients and the instructions for making them. We tried our first one on Friday night and it was awesome. Hopefully the rest of the meals are just as good and cooking can stop being such a dreaded chore…and we’ll eat better and save money if we’re not ordering out so much!

Saturday morning I got my hair cut. Now before you get all excited that I took the time to do something for me I have to give the full disclaimer that I had made this appointment before Jason passed away…so all I had to do was show up…but I did it…and it feels good to have my hair under control a little more again.

I also picked out and purchased myself a new laptop! My old one was about 7 years old and was super frustrating….slow…took forever to start up…and sometimes wouldn’t start up at all. I decided that since writing is giving me so much joy I really need technology that isn’t going to hold me back and frustrate me. Another disclaimer…I needed Levi to help me set it up….but hey…I picked it out myself!

The boys and I went out for dinner Saturday night with my brother and sister-in-law. Then my SIL and I went shopping for a bit…worked on a puzzle…listened to music. My BIL took the boys to go see the new Marvel movie. It was relaxing and chill.

This morning I reconnected with my friend Vicki over coffee. Her and I were tight all through the years that our kids were small and then somehow drifted apart. A 3 hour long coffee date pretty much fixed that and I’m hoping that will become a weekly situation. I decided that I need to get back into some fun routines so that I have things I enjoy to look forward to.

I met up with some friends late afternoon for drinks and appetizers. I almost cancelled on that one…it just takes a lot of self-talk to drag myself out of the house…even when it’s something that I’m excited about when I say “yes”…sometimes the time comes and I just have a hard time. I went and it was great!

I topped the weekend off with a dog walk with my friend Katie…and now I’m feeling pretty good…and hoping that I can actually get good sleep tonight so that I can tackle the week ahead. I have counseling on Wednesday and my birthday on Thursday…two events that I can already feel winding me up inside. I’m going to try to put them out of my head right now though!

Enjoy this cute picture of my boys from last night. They were dressed in matching outfits…just different colors 🙂 I’m a lucky Mom!

Sitting In The Dark

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“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark” —Mad Hatter

One of my favorite quotes from “Alice in Wonderland” and describes pretty perfectly where I’m at right now. Frankly, I am exhausted…physically, emotional, spiritually, socially…all the ways a person can be tired…I am.

The vast majority of the time I am with people I’m pasting on my smile…forcing my laugh…pretending I’m doing okay. The proverbial “fake it til you make it”. I’m not making it.

When I’m alone, by myself and I can let my fake smile drop it is such a relief. I still have a hard time completely feeling my feelings…my person who could put me back together after I fall apart is no longer here. I feel like if I let myself go to pieces I will not be able to stop.

So I will be thankful for the few people in my life that are not made uncomfortable by my grief. That aren’t constantly trying to cheer me up. Who will just sit with me in my sadness…in my darkness…give me a shoulder to cry on…a hug…and know that happiness is not for me right now…maybe someday…but not today.

Gotta Brag On Our Kids

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Jason would be so proud of our kids right now. Anna has been back at UW-Eau Claire for 3 weeks now and is having a great start to her year. She has already had several marching band performances and made it into symphony band again this year. She also figured out what to do when your windshield wiper “goes flying off” when you’re driving your car. Guys working at auto parts stores are very good at helping teenage girls with such problems.

Seth..our Peter Pan kid…you know…the one that just doesn’t want to grow up…is really stepping up to the plate. He just started a job…his first one! And is learning how to drive thanks to a friend of ours who volunteered to teach him. He is such a great young man and I am so proud of him. He is also usually the one that remembers that Wednesday night is garbage night…why is that so easy to forget??

Levi…complete opposite of Seth…can’t wait to grow up…is starting high school this year. He’s the most social of our kids so he forces me to get out of the house and see people even when I don’t really feel like it. He is also a huge help around the house. He helps make dinner a lot and other chores around the house…like mowing the lawn.

Then there’s me. I feel like if Jason were here he would be very unhappy with my lack of being able to get anything done. He would be very agitated that I haven’t really made a single phone call. He would be on me every day to call life insurance companies, banks, etc and get things squared away. I just can’t. Part of it is time. I’m at work from 8am-4pm every day and then come home and get dinner going and the boys to their stuff. Most of it is…I just can’t. It feels like taking a huge eraser and smudging out everywhere it says Jason Fregien. I like it when his mail still comes to the house. I like that all of his things are still here…right where he put them…where he liked them.

Shock

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Today I had my first appointment with the Grief Counselor who is available as part of the hospice program that Jason was in. I was not looking forward to it…actively dreading it…almost cancelled it numerous times. Grief counseling is not something I want to have to take advantage of. I don’t want to need it.

Here’s the thing though. I spend a lot of time feeling nothing how I anticipated I would feel…nothing how I think I should feel…nothing how I think other people think I should feel. I thought I would be spending all my time crying…not wanting to get out of bed…not able to function. People tell me I’m so strong because I’m back at work…taking care of my kids and dogs…functioning pretty well. I cry sometimes, but I can also go days without crying. They tell me “I don’t think I could do that”…which by the way makes me feel like shit because I feel like I am not feeling “bad enough”.

My takeaway from the Grief Counselor–I am only functioning well because I am in shock. And my shock has been compounded by the fact that we did at-home hospice…there were many aspects of his end-of-life care and death that were shocking and horrifying and have been impossible to put to the back of my mind. When I close my eyes at night those days are on repeat in my head…over and over and over.

Once she pointed it out to me and explained it to me it was a huge “ah ha moment”. After she left, I found this article published by the Hospice Foundation of America titled “The Shock of Loss“. Several parts of it really hit home for me:

People in shock often appear to be behaving normally without a lot of emotion because the news hasn’t fully sunk in yet.

Detached from the reality of the loss, you may be able to function pretty well at first. This can be confusing to the people around you, when they expect full-blown grief and suffering that you don’t yet feel.

Staying awake late at night obsessing or falling asleep only to wake suddenly in the middle of the night are both normal reactions.

Yes. That is it exactly.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret our decision to do at-home hospice one iota. It was the least that I could do for Jason…to make sure his last days were comfortable and that he was surrounded by the people who loved him with his dogs looking over him.

I just wish I could stop re-living it in my head.

Emmett–worried about his Dad

Four Weeks Today

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Today marks four weeks since Jason has been gone. Every day is harder…reality sinks in just a little more…tears are closer to the surface…getting out of bed a chore. My mornings are a struggle…hard to get going. I’m glad that I am back at work…if I get there and just need a hug to give me strength for my day I am always able to find someone to give me one. Then I am able to throw on my “Everything is Fine” mask to get through my day.

Getting home from work is a slap in the face again. Walking in the door and not seeing Jason sitting on the couch waiting for me…happy to see me home. No one to talk to about my day…except the dogs…they’re always happy to see me.

I try to keep up some semblance of normal at home for the boys…eating dinner together…running them to their activities…taking the dogs to the park to play. Then they go to their rooms to chill and I am alone…so I write…missing Jason next to me…wishing my feet were on his lap…or warming up under his thigh.

Someday maybe things will get easier, but that day is not today.

Why “Love, Tennis, and Cancer”?

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When Jason was battling Glioblastoma I faithfully kept up his Caring Bridge site. Although I had never written much of anything in the past, I found that many people enjoyed my writing style…loved being able to keep up with our journey…learn more about us through my posts…and that the writing was therapeutic for me. Now I hope that with this blog I can continue to reflect on the past…mourn in the present…and maybe find some hope for the future.

Love was the building block upon which Jason and I built our whole entire lives around. We loved each other and our children with everything we had. I’m not sure yet what my life looks like without the love of my life in it. It is hard to look forward to a future of loneliness. I am grateful that he left me with three beautiful children to live for.

Tennis has been a big part of our lives from the very beginning. It is what brought Jason to UW-Eau Claire where we met. Jason played tennis for many, many years and we made numerous fantastic friends through tennis. Many of our trips and great memories are tennis-related. Our children have all been involved in tennis…playing and coaching. I work at a local fitness club in the Tennis Center and have a great support system there.

Cancer is a word that you never, ever want to hear in relation to someone you love. Glioblastoma in particular is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. It is a brutal disease….stealing away bits and pieces of its victim little by little, day by day. For 15 months cancer consumed our whole entire lives…and now our lives are irreparable changed because of it.