Tag: widow

Good-ish Weekend

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

My weekend didn’t completely suck! Yes, I’m exhausted. Yes, I cried. Yes, I miss Jason so bad it hurts inside…but I did manage to find some moments of genuine happiness, smiles, and laughs.

Friday night Levi and I cooked dinner together. I really don’t like cooking much. I hate trying to come up with what to make and then having all the right ingredients and then having the energy to make it. Ugh. Levi and I decided to try a meal subscription service called “Hello Fresh”. We picked 4 meals for the week and they delivered all the ingredients and the instructions for making them. We tried our first one on Friday night and it was awesome. Hopefully the rest of the meals are just as good and cooking can stop being such a dreaded chore…and we’ll eat better and save money if we’re not ordering out so much!

Saturday morning I got my hair cut. Now before you get all excited that I took the time to do something for me I have to give the full disclaimer that I had made this appointment before Jason passed away…so all I had to do was show up…but I did it…and it feels good to have my hair under control a little more again.

I also picked out and purchased myself a new laptop! My old one was about 7 years old and was super frustrating….slow…took forever to start up…and sometimes wouldn’t start up at all. I decided that since writing is giving me so much joy I really need technology that isn’t going to hold me back and frustrate me. Another disclaimer…I needed Levi to help me set it up….but hey…I picked it out myself!

The boys and I went out for dinner Saturday night with my brother and sister-in-law. Then my SIL and I went shopping for a bit…worked on a puzzle…listened to music. My BIL took the boys to go see the new Marvel movie. It was relaxing and chill.

This morning I reconnected with my friend Vicki over coffee. Her and I were tight all through the years that our kids were small and then somehow drifted apart. A 3 hour long coffee date pretty much fixed that and I’m hoping that will become a weekly situation. I decided that I need to get back into some fun routines so that I have things I enjoy to look forward to.

I met up with some friends late afternoon for drinks and appetizers. I almost cancelled on that one…it just takes a lot of self-talk to drag myself out of the house…even when it’s something that I’m excited about when I say “yes”…sometimes the time comes and I just have a hard time. I went and it was great!

I topped the weekend off with a dog walk with my friend Katie…and now I’m feeling pretty good…and hoping that I can actually get good sleep tonight so that I can tackle the week ahead. I have counseling on Wednesday and my birthday on Thursday…two events that I can already feel winding me up inside. I’m going to try to put them out of my head right now though!

Enjoy this cute picture of my boys from last night. They were dressed in matching outfits…just different colors 🙂 I’m a lucky Mom!

Sitting In The Dark

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“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark” —Mad Hatter

One of my favorite quotes from “Alice in Wonderland” and describes pretty perfectly where I’m at right now. Frankly, I am exhausted…physically, emotional, spiritually, socially…all the ways a person can be tired…I am.

The vast majority of the time I am with people I’m pasting on my smile…forcing my laugh…pretending I’m doing okay. The proverbial “fake it til you make it”. I’m not making it.

When I’m alone, by myself and I can let my fake smile drop it is such a relief. I still have a hard time completely feeling my feelings…my person who could put me back together after I fall apart is no longer here. I feel like if I let myself go to pieces I will not be able to stop.

So I will be thankful for the few people in my life that are not made uncomfortable by my grief. That aren’t constantly trying to cheer me up. Who will just sit with me in my sadness…in my darkness…give me a shoulder to cry on…a hug…and know that happiness is not for me right now…maybe someday…but not today.

Gotta Brag On Our Kids

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Jason would be so proud of our kids right now. Anna has been back at UW-Eau Claire for 3 weeks now and is having a great start to her year. She has already had several marching band performances and made it into symphony band again this year. She also figured out what to do when your windshield wiper “goes flying off” when you’re driving your car. Guys working at auto parts stores are very good at helping teenage girls with such problems.

Seth..our Peter Pan kid…you know…the one that just doesn’t want to grow up…is really stepping up to the plate. He just started a job…his first one! And is learning how to drive thanks to a friend of ours who volunteered to teach him. He is such a great young man and I am so proud of him. He is also usually the one that remembers that Wednesday night is garbage night…why is that so easy to forget??

Levi…complete opposite of Seth…can’t wait to grow up…is starting high school this year. He’s the most social of our kids so he forces me to get out of the house and see people even when I don’t really feel like it. He is also a huge help around the house. He helps make dinner a lot and other chores around the house…like mowing the lawn.

Then there’s me. I feel like if Jason were here he would be very unhappy with my lack of being able to get anything done. He would be very agitated that I haven’t really made a single phone call. He would be on me every day to call life insurance companies, banks, etc and get things squared away. I just can’t. Part of it is time. I’m at work from 8am-4pm every day and then come home and get dinner going and the boys to their stuff. Most of it is…I just can’t. It feels like taking a huge eraser and smudging out everywhere it says Jason Fregien. I like it when his mail still comes to the house. I like that all of his things are still here…right where he put them…where he liked them.

Shock

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today I had my first appointment with the Grief Counselor who is available as part of the hospice program that Jason was in. I was not looking forward to it…actively dreading it…almost cancelled it numerous times. Grief counseling is not something I want to have to take advantage of. I don’t want to need it.

Here’s the thing though. I spend a lot of time feeling nothing how I anticipated I would feel…nothing how I think I should feel…nothing how I think other people think I should feel. I thought I would be spending all my time crying…not wanting to get out of bed…not able to function. People tell me I’m so strong because I’m back at work…taking care of my kids and dogs…functioning pretty well. I cry sometimes, but I can also go days without crying. They tell me “I don’t think I could do that”…which by the way makes me feel like shit because I feel like I am not feeling “bad enough”.

My takeaway from the Grief Counselor–I am only functioning well because I am in shock. And my shock has been compounded by the fact that we did at-home hospice…there were many aspects of his end-of-life care and death that were shocking and horrifying and have been impossible to put to the back of my mind. When I close my eyes at night those days are on repeat in my head…over and over and over.

Once she pointed it out to me and explained it to me it was a huge “ah ha moment”. After she left, I found this article published by the Hospice Foundation of America titled “The Shock of Loss“. Several parts of it really hit home for me:

People in shock often appear to be behaving normally without a lot of emotion because the news hasn’t fully sunk in yet.

Detached from the reality of the loss, you may be able to function pretty well at first. This can be confusing to the people around you, when they expect full-blown grief and suffering that you don’t yet feel.

Staying awake late at night obsessing or falling asleep only to wake suddenly in the middle of the night are both normal reactions.

Yes. That is it exactly.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t regret our decision to do at-home hospice one iota. It was the least that I could do for Jason…to make sure his last days were comfortable and that he was surrounded by the people who loved him with his dogs looking over him.

I just wish I could stop re-living it in my head.

Emmett–worried about his Dad

Four Weeks Today

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Today marks four weeks since Jason has been gone. Every day is harder…reality sinks in just a little more…tears are closer to the surface…getting out of bed a chore. My mornings are a struggle…hard to get going. I’m glad that I am back at work…if I get there and just need a hug to give me strength for my day I am always able to find someone to give me one. Then I am able to throw on my “Everything is Fine” mask to get through my day.

Getting home from work is a slap in the face again. Walking in the door and not seeing Jason sitting on the couch waiting for me…happy to see me home. No one to talk to about my day…except the dogs…they’re always happy to see me.

I try to keep up some semblance of normal at home for the boys…eating dinner together…running them to their activities…taking the dogs to the park to play. Then they go to their rooms to chill and I am alone…so I write…missing Jason next to me…wishing my feet were on his lap…or warming up under his thigh.

Someday maybe things will get easier, but that day is not today.

Why “Love, Tennis, and Cancer”?

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When Jason was battling Glioblastoma I faithfully kept up his Caring Bridge site. Although I had never written much of anything in the past, I found that many people enjoyed my writing style…loved being able to keep up with our journey…learn more about us through my posts…and that the writing was therapeutic for me. Now I hope that with this blog I can continue to reflect on the past…mourn in the present…and maybe find some hope for the future.

Love was the building block upon which Jason and I built our whole entire lives around. We loved each other and our children with everything we had. I’m not sure yet what my life looks like without the love of my life in it. It is hard to look forward to a future of loneliness. I am grateful that he left me with three beautiful children to live for.

Tennis has been a big part of our lives from the very beginning. It is what brought Jason to UW-Eau Claire where we met. Jason played tennis for many, many years and we made numerous fantastic friends through tennis. Many of our trips and great memories are tennis-related. Our children have all been involved in tennis…playing and coaching. I work at a local fitness club in the Tennis Center and have a great support system there.

Cancer is a word that you never, ever want to hear in relation to someone you love. Glioblastoma in particular is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. It is a brutal disease….stealing away bits and pieces of its victim little by little, day by day. For 15 months cancer consumed our whole entire lives…and now our lives are irreparable changed because of it.