I made it back home from Wabasha around 10:30 this morning. I could’ve stayed a little bit longer but my anxiety about leaving the kids home alone…human and dog…was starting to get the better of me. Seth was feeding the dogs their breakfast (!) when I got home, but he had also loaded and started the dishwasher…so there’s that.
A few takeaways from the weekend:
Laptop screens do not mix well with sunny days. It’s really hard to sit in the sun and write at the same time. So frustrating!
I do better with time alone if I am really alone…like cabin by a lake alone. I did okay eating breakfast in a local dinner by myself on Saturday morning, but other than that being around people was really uncomfortable. I was glad that I brought along frozen dinners so I didn’t have to venture out much other than walking down by the river.
Sitting by water is extremely calming. It brings me peace in a way that little else does. My mind stills and my breathing calms listening to the waves shush against the shore. I know this…but I always forget. I need to add some water to my backyard.
And lastly…but the most exciting and scary for me…I decided that I need to do something more with my writing. I revived a project that I had started a few months back that I’m pretty excited about….autobiography…mixed with poetry…mixed with pictures…mixed with songs that have spoken to me at different times in my life. I’m not sure what I’ll do with it when I’m finished…but it feels good to be working on it and like something I need to do.
After I got home I worked on hanging up some pictures around the house. I really like this frame that I filled with pictures from Jeremy and Cheryl’s wedding. I go back to that day in my head often. The Last Happy Day
Last night I watched the movie “Senior Year” with Rebel Wilson. It is a comedy about a cheer captain who has an accident while doing a stunt and ends up in a coma for 20 years. Of course, when she wakes up life has gone on around her, but in her mind she’s still 17 with dreams of being prom queen.
The movie had its funny parts but I also found so much to empathize with. No, I was never cheer captain or the most popular girl in school. I never had aspirations of being prom queen. But I do feel like life is going on around me while I’m still somewhere in the past…not 20 years, but 2 years for sure. In the movie, Rebel’s character tries to make her old goals and dreams fit into her new life…and while that makes for great comedy as a 37 year old goes back to high school…it just doesn’t work well. But what is one supposed to do when one’s life changes so drastically in ways one never would have chosen or imagined? When the change is so big that the very threads of one’s identity are either completely broken or unraveling. When not a single dream or goal from before is relevant or obtainable. And life goes on all around…for everyone else.
I ran across this infographic the other day that pictures all of the secondary losses that occur when someone loses their spouse. A couple of these don’t apply to me….I still have my job and I’m not in danger of losing my house, although I would say that it doesn’t feel like “home”. And these are not even all of the things I feel like I’m grieving. I feel grief that Jason doesn’t get to experience a future with me and our kids. I feel grief that my kids don’t get to have their Dad and our grandkids won’t have their Grandpa. And on top of that is the trauma from watching the love of my life suffer for 15 months before dying in front of me while I was powerless to stop or fix anything. I feel like it would be easier to pull a Rebel Wilson and go back to school and become prom queen than it would be to have any sort of hopes and dreams for my future.
And so for now I am just treading water. Staying afloat. Trying to be a good Mom to my kids…making sure they have everything they need. Forcing myself to keep on kicking when I really don’t want to. Goals for today: enjoy nature…walk by the river…write…sit in the sunshine…get an ice cream cone. Today is going pretty well so far.
So…this weekend I was supposed to be enjoying Girls’ Weekend with my sister-in-law and my friend Terri. Doing all the wine drinking…or vodka soda drinking…we could and wreaking havoc on Wabasha, MN. In other words spending our money libating at the local establishments and scouring the boutiques for “must-haves”. Well…as usual…things didn’t go as planned. Terri had a conflict with a trip to Florida and had to cancel. Bummer, but Cheryl and I were going to pick up her slack and party twice as hard. Well, that plan also died when Cheryl tested positive for Covid on Monday. And not the “oh I’m positive, but I don’t have any symptoms Covid”. The “oh my God I got hit by a truck and I’m dying Covid”. So suddenly…no Girls’ Weekend…but I have a VRBO in Wabasha I’ve already paid for and can’t get a refund on.
So I’m frustrated…and angry. Not at either one of them, but at how life has to keep throwing me freaking curveballs. And that’s how I went into my Friday therapy session this morning. And Connie worked her listening magic once again. Let me bluther and cry not only about my “ruined” weekend, but about all the other things I didn’t know I was even thinking about under the surface. And by the end of the hour my whole mindset had changed and instead of being frustrated and angry at the change of plans I was looking forward to having more of a “writing retreat” type weekend. The location is not exactly what I would have planned for such a thing…put me in a cabin by myself on a lake…but I do have a balcony where I can see a small stretch of the river…so I’m making due with that.
On the way here I drove through Red Wing….where Jason grew up and his parents still live. I was reminiscing about the first time Jason brought me home to “meet the parents”. It was January of our Freshman year of college. Red Wing is a pretty small town now…it was even smaller back then. No Target or Walmart. His Dad was a teacher at Cannon Falls High School and his Mom worked for Goodhue County. They were both at work when I got there. Jason was trying to fix something with he and Jeremy’s computer that he had messed up. And I was sitting in Jeremy’s room looking through their high school yearbooks while he did that. I don’t know why I remember that so well. I slept in Jason’s room and he slept in the basement. His parents would leave for work in the morning and I would sneak downstairs to cuddle with Jason for a few hours until we got up for the day. He struggled to find anything in Red Wing to show me…Treasure Island Casino (we went inside the lobby and saw the waterfall)…the Pottery…Red Wing Shoe…the St. James Hotel…the lock and dam by the nuclear power plant. We went to see the Titanic in the movie theater and his high school buddy let us in for free. Good memories.
May 12, 2020…two years ago today…I dropped Jason off at the door to the hospital the morning of his first brain surgery. Not able to go in at all because of Covid. I spent the day surrounded by family and friends…while he was all alone. Worrying…pacing…waiting for calls from the surgeon and nurses updating me on how he was doing. I didn’t get to actually hear his voice until about 7pm.
He was only in the hospital for two days…he came home on the 14th…but those two days felt soooo long. Everytime I was able to talk to him on the phone or Facetime with him I could see how badly he just wanted to be home. I knew from that very first hospital stay that when the time came for hospice he would be at home with me…in our house. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and how those days would haunt me…grab ahold of me…not let go…wake me in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my cheeks…replay over and over….like my brain just can’t make sense of it. Would I do it again? Yeah…for him.
Right before his surgery, a friend arranged for us to have family photos taken. Check out the long hair…and the covid grey roots…yikes! Most evenings you could find Jason and I like this. Me with my hand in the crook of his arm…each of us with a dog…going for a walk. Feels like a different lifetime. And to think that two years ago two nights without him seemed like forever…
I have been trying to gather up some motivation to get out in my yard. We have a gazebo that was always a bit of an oasis for us that we spent a lot of time in…especially the past two summers. I always looked forward to getting it all set up for the summer. Usually as soon as I thought it was done snowing I would be out there getting the roof and the walls up…planting my pots…enjoying evenings or early mornings by the fire table. This year I look out at my yard and all I see is a long list of “stuff” to do….either by myself or bugging the boys to help me.
I finally went out this afternoon for a little bit. The roof on the gazebo is worn out. I threw it away. So now I’m going “topless” for the summer. My next door neighbor chuckled when I told him that. I decided to leave all my pots for Anna to plant when she’s home for the summer. I did put some seeds out for the birds and made sure to fill up the peanut feeder for the blue jays. Jason gets a kick out of watching them. I put out my hummingbird feeder on Sunday and have had a pair busy humming back and forth. And that’s as far as I got. I didn’t even walk around my gardens at all. It’s just all too much and very overwhelming. I guess what doesn’t get done just doesn’t get done….but I made a little progress today.
Mom. The role in my life that has literally kept me going these past 9 months when I felt like giving up. Like staying in bed instead of going to work. Like getting in my car and just driving away…cutting all ties to anything here. Our three kids…created out of love…bits of both of us…have kept me rooted. Kept me fighting. Made me smile. Reminded me that there is good left in this life. I am so incredibly thankful for them.
Being Mom is never an easy task….the past two years have been almost impossibly difficult. Heartbreaking conversations. Heart-shattering moments. Endless worry…so much worry. Not knowing how to help them with their grief….how to make sure they are doing okay. Constantly trying to stay in-tune with them while I’m feeling so out-of-tune with life myself. Recognizing that their grief doesn’t always come out as sadness…often it is anger…or crabbiness…or quietness.
Jason would sometimes leave for a few days to go to conferences for work. I always struggled during those few days…being home alone with the kids. I would joke with him that I wasn’t cut out for single parenting so he better get home soon. Joke was on me I guess.
Jason always made Mother’s Day special. It didn’t matter how young the kids were he would load them up in the car and take them to buy me flowers…and usually come home with balloons too because the kids liked them. Then he would make sure we spent the day doing what I wanted. Usually that meant some sort of Forced Fregien Family Fun…hiking…or going to the arboretum…sometimes we would spend the day in Red Wing relaxing at his Mom and Dad’s.
Our kids paid attention. This year Anna surprised me by coming home for the weekend. Yesterday her and I went down to Red Wing and planted geraniums in his Mom’s planter…just like we would do every year. Anna, Seth, and I went to a movie together last night while Levi was at his girlfriend’s house. This morning they set their alarms to make sure they got up early-ish to have breakfast with me…Anna baked…and got me a beautiful orchid. I had to work this afternoon, but Anna decided to go back to school tomorrow morning so that we could all go out to dinner when I was done with work. We took the dogs to the park to play. Started doing some research for our Portland trip.
It’s days like today that I can take a deep breath and feel reassured that our kids will be okay. Even though I often feel like I am just not enough. I need to remember that Jason is still living in them…through actions that he modeled….through words that he spoke….in their very DNA he is there. I’m not really parenting alone.
Today I had my weekly appointment with my therapist. It started very similarly to last week. Her asking how my week was and me just talking and crying. I had a few specific things on my mind today that she helped me talk through a little bit. Somehow she’s really good at both validating my feelings and helping me see things from different perspectives and that helps “unwind” me a little bit I think. Jason was really good at doing that for me as well…which I actually didn’t connect until I just wrote that. Maybe that’s why I find her so easy to talk to. There’s just something about her demeanor that reminds me of him.
Anna surprised me today by coming home for Mother’s Day weekend! Tomorrow we are going down to Red Wing to visit with my in-laws. On Sunday I will have time to spend with her in the morning before I go to work and she heads back to school. It is always the best when the kids are all home.
May 4th….while everyone else was talking Star Wars all I could think is 9 months without Jason. I was at work today and happened to look up at the clock at 8:22….and at that moment I was losing him all over again…watching him take his last breath. Those moments that just stick in my head and circle…and circle…and circle…
9 months…how can that be?! How have I even made it this long alone? I have no idea. I don’t know how I’m going to make it the next 9 minutes…9 hours…9 days. I don’t need to hear “oh…but you’re so strong”. I’m not strong at all…I just don’t have any choice. What choice do I have?? Do I feel like I want to live? No. Do I feel like I want to die? Also no. So here I am…just surviving…holding on…hoping that some day I wake up and my first thoughts aren’t “F*ck this life. Do I really need to get out of bed? How am I going to make it through this day? I’m so tired of this. Why didn’t I train my dogs to make me coffee? I really need a hug from Jason. Really. Really. Bad.”
Levi had a tennis match today. Jason’s parents came to watch. At one point my mother-in-law asked me “How are you doing?” And all I could do is look at her and shake my head and I could see all the pain I felt reflected in her eyes. These past two years have taken their toll…and it isn’t getting any easier.
Life goes on. Time heals. He’s in a better place. He’s not suffering anymore. Everything happens for a reason. Yada yada. None of that helps. I just want my husband back. I want my “heaven”.
Every time I feel like I must have finally hit rock bottom, nope, somehow my mood keeps getting lower. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I sit on the couch every morning talking myself into getting up and going to work. On the way to work I fight to get my “work face” on….the one that says everything is fine to the outside world. Everyday that gets a little harder. I enjoy seeing my friends at work, but by the time the end of the day comes I am just exhausted from all the “people-ing”. I had to step away from my desk today because two couples were standing by my desk talking about someone they know who was just diagnosed with brain cancer. The way they were talking about it, I knew it had to be glioblastoma. Of course, they had no idea their conversation was bothering me and I was about to lose my shit. On the drive home my “work face” falls off and my mood plummets. I get home, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore without my person.
It’s Levi’s tennis season right now, so I’ll go to his matches if I can. I am so proud of how well he is playing…but to say it is hard for me to watch him is an understatement. Most of the time I get teary-eyed because Jason isn’t there to watch. Damn…he would be so proud of Levi right now. Sometimes I wish the boys didn’t like to play tennis, just because watching them is so emotional for me…but then I’m also so glad that they will always have that connection to their Dad. He definitely passed on his love of the sport to them.
Then I get home…probably order something for dinner. I rarely cook anything anymore. Have a drink…or two. Play piano…listen to music…write….wander around the house…doze on the couch as I put off going to bed alone. Going to bed alone sucks…really, really bad. I have to be exhausted before I even try to sleep. I can only sleep on my left side…facing away from Jason’s side of the bed…or on my stomach…again with my face away from his side of the bed. I just can’t face the emptiness on the other side. I sleep better if I can get Linc to sleep in bed with me…but either way it is a lot of waking up and mind-spinning restless nights.
Sometimes I go out with friends…but they aren’t the same friends I went out with before. One of the things I am really struggling with right now is interacting with people my own age. The reminder of what my life should be like right now, with my husband, is extremely difficult. For example, I really like Levi’s girlfriend’s family, but being around them is really, really hard. I get anxiety about it and feel really uncomfortable. I spend a lot of the time feeling like I’m not even in my body and am watching the whole thing from up above myself. It’s had for me to concentrate on conversation and I feel myself closing up and getting really quiet. Going out with younger work friends or my widow friends is easier, but still has it’s difficult moments for sure.
There’s this song by Em Beihold called “Numb Little Bug” that I heard on the radio the other day. A lot of the lyrics of the song resonate very strongly with me…especially the refrain. “Do you ever get a little big tired of life? Like you’re not really happy, but you don’t wanna die. Like you’re hanging by a thread but you gotta survive….gotta survive. Like your body’s in the room but you’re not really there. Like you have empathy inside, but you don’t really care”. Yeah….I feel you Em.
Sometimes I wonder if I am remembering accurately how great Jason was and how happy we were together, but no…he wasn’t perfect…I am far from perfect…but we were perfectly happy together. He could make anything from a rainy Saturday morning to a shitty day at work to having to put our dog to sleep bearable. There wasn’t a pain he was unable to soothe…except for now.
This week has been terrible. I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday. She gave me my official diagnosis of “anxiety, depression, and adjustment disorder”. Newsflash…losing Jason effed me all up in my head. Then she asked me how my week was on a scale of 1-10. I told her it was definitely a “10 week” and then proceeded to bawl my eyes out for over 90 minutes while my mouth rambled on and on about all of the “things”. I don’t know what it is about her, but I sit down in that chair and my mouth opens up and the whole river of hurts comes out while she sits there…not really saying anything. Some things definitely need a “safe place” to come out…but I guess that’s the point of therapy.
So much time spent faking it…pushing things down…pretending I’m okay. A couple came in this week to play tennis. I hadn’t seen them in awhile, so I asked them how they had been. The one guy said that his Mom was just diagnosed with Stage 4 uterine cancer so he had been spending a lot of time with her. I said, “Cancer really sucks. I am so sorry. Spend all the time with her that you can” and then I shared with him that Jason had passed away almost 9 months ago from cancer….and he was flabberglasted…had no clue. He said, “but you are always so happy and upbeat when we see you”. Yup. Faking it. All. The. Time. Not like I can wear my true emotions on my sleeve when I’m at work.
I did book a vacation to Portland for the kids and I this summer. We are going to go visit my brother and his family. They moved out there right after Jason passed away. I’m hoping that some fresh scenery and distractions will do us all some good. As much as it hurts we have to keep on making new memories…just the 4 of us.
Today the boys and I played mixed doubles in a pickleball tournament. Seth and I were partners and Levi and his girlfriend were partners. Seth and I had fun together, but failed to win a game. Levi and Svea got third place! It’s not tennis…but still fun!
Two years ago today was the day we first heard the word “glioblastoma”…and now everything is different.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 