Mom. The role in my life that has literally kept me going these past 9 months when I felt like giving up. Like staying in bed instead of going to work. Like getting in my car and just driving away…cutting all ties to anything here. Our three kids…created out of love…bits of both of us…have kept me rooted. Kept me fighting. Made me smile. Reminded me that there is good left in this life. I am so incredibly thankful for them.
Being Mom is never an easy task….the past two years have been almost impossibly difficult. Heartbreaking conversations. Heart-shattering moments. Endless worry…so much worry. Not knowing how to help them with their grief….how to make sure they are doing okay. Constantly trying to stay in-tune with them while I’m feeling so out-of-tune with life myself. Recognizing that their grief doesn’t always come out as sadness…often it is anger…or crabbiness…or quietness.
Jason would sometimes leave for a few days to go to conferences for work. I always struggled during those few days…being home alone with the kids. I would joke with him that I wasn’t cut out for single parenting so he better get home soon. Joke was on me I guess.
Jason always made Mother’s Day special. It didn’t matter how young the kids were he would load them up in the car and take them to buy me flowers…and usually come home with balloons too because the kids liked them. Then he would make sure we spent the day doing what I wanted. Usually that meant some sort of Forced Fregien Family Fun…hiking…or going to the arboretum…sometimes we would spend the day in Red Wing relaxing at his Mom and Dad’s.
Our kids paid attention. This year Anna surprised me by coming home for the weekend. Yesterday her and I went down to Red Wing and planted geraniums in his Mom’s planter…just like we would do every year. Anna, Seth, and I went to a movie together last night while Levi was at his girlfriend’s house. This morning they set their alarms to make sure they got up early-ish to have breakfast with me…Anna baked…and got me a beautiful orchid. I had to work this afternoon, but Anna decided to go back to school tomorrow morning so that we could all go out to dinner when I was done with work. We took the dogs to the park to play. Started doing some research for our Portland trip.
It’s days like today that I can take a deep breath and feel reassured that our kids will be okay. Even though I often feel like I am just not enough. I need to remember that Jason is still living in them…through actions that he modeled….through words that he spoke….in their very DNA he is there. I’m not really parenting alone.