Origami

Having a rough night to end a rough, rough week. Missing Jason so very much…life is trampling me down and I really need him by my side to boost me back up and remind me that it’s all worthwhile…to give me back my joy…my optimism…my sparkle. I’m tired…something has to change. I’m tired of trying and trying and trying…and faking and faking and faking. Even when I have moments or even days that feel okay they are always followed by a downward plummet…that makes me question whether the okay moments are even worth it. More and more I just want to keep to myself and….I don’t know…just stop…

I’m losing whatever hope I ever had that someday I will make it back to “okay” or even “good”. Every day just…IS…a flat existence…like when Jason died he took a whole dimension of my world…of myself…with him…and now I’m flat…2 dimensional…like paper…easily crumpled…ripped…abused. Every morning I try to give myself dimension…fold myself up like origami…but it doesn’t work for long…I just end up with thousands of extra creases…wearing thinner…more vulnerable. And the struggle is harder the next day.

For those I see during the day…when I’m keeping myself together…they see someone who is “doing fine”….who is “strong”. They all miss the “falling apart” which usually starts on my drive back home…when I can feel my folds coming undone…one…at…a…time…until I walk back into my house that never feels quite like home anymore…and I’m paper-flat once more.