Jason and I should be celebrating 22 years together as well as Levi’s 15th birthday. Instead I dragged myself out of bed to make Levi his favorite Pumpkin Chocolate Chip muffins for breakfast and am crying into my coffee…all alone. Taking a few moments to process my sad before putting on the happy face for Levi for the rest of the day.
Our anniversary was always a “thing” for Jason and I. It never went by without being celebrated. When the kids were young it was sometimes sneaking moments throughout the day or enjoying a glass of wine together after they were in bed. If we were really lucky we could get Uncle Jeremy to come babysit so we could sneak away to dinner. Levi was born on our 7th Anniversary. I think we swapped cards and a kiss and said “All right. Let’s go have a baby”.
Many years we would be up at Ruttgers…Levi loved being up there on his birthday…none of us have even mentioned going again. So many happy memories up there….Facebook has been reminding me of them for days…just too painful to go without Jason.
I told a friend of mine just last weekend that I still feel very much married to Jason. He is still my husband, even though he is no longer here. I can close my eyes and see him looking at me….like no one else in the world existed. I can feel his hand in mine. What his neck felt like against my cold nose. See his smile that lit up my world. So many sights, sounds, smells, textures…all uniquely Jason…bringing back all the happy times we had together…and some sad ones too. I would have happily spent the rest of my life by his side. And now….what?
I get out of bed….get through the next five minutes…the next hour…the next day. I can smile. I can laugh. And every day I go home and I miss him so very badly. I climb into our bed…curl my body away from “his side”….and get up to do the same damn thing the next day.
Happy Anniversary in Heaven Babe. Wish we were dancing together today…
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 