Have you ever thought about the difference between “belonging” and “fitting in”? I have been thinking about that a lot this week. Belonging is a feeling of “rightness”…like you are accepted for who you are…you feel at peace and happy…you have a place…security. Fitting in usually means you need to change something about yourself…your true self is unacceptable…you are constantly stressed…worried…on edge. Belonging fills up your cup…validates you…energizes you. Fitting in is exhausting…leaves you feeling empty.
In the past year my sense of “belonging” has so diminished that I don’t even know how to attempt to get it back…I don’t know if it is even possible when I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m constantly trying to fit in. It works for awhile sometimes, but never for very long until I am hurt once again. I am so exhausted. And so lonely I feel like I’m being crushed by it.
Loneliness is one of the most horrible of horrible feelings….especially during grief. I know that there are many people that are grieving Jason. He is very well-loved. Many of those people have their person that they get to grieve with. I have my kids, but they are very private. They don’t want to grieve with me very much…which is fine. They are doing things their way. I have a handful of people that I turn to. They are all fantastic and I love and appreciate them…but damn I wish I had Jason’s arms around me…that’s where we both belonged. He and I could literally get through anything together…me by myself? Yeah…that’s not going so well.