Today is Seth’s 19th Birthday. Seth is our easy-going, sensitive, deep-feeling, introverted middle child. He reminds me of Jason in so many ways. There’s not a lot that bothers him…most things can roll right off his back…but he also feels his feelings very deeply and holds them very close to his chest. He doesn’t care about the “trivial” things in life…like who gets shotgun in the car (he lets Anna and Levi duke that one out)…or material things…he has a few things he is passionate about (tennis, his friends, video games) and devotes his time to those. He’s the one that will give me a hug without squirming away and his dry sense of humor makes me laugh. He is in no hurry to “grow up” and does things in his own time.
When I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday his only reply was “dinner at B52’s”. We are actually doing that tomorrow with some family and friends. This morning he kept saying he didn’t want to do anything and didn’t want any birthday gifts. He is my blueberry-loving kid…so I decided to make him a blueberry pie. Making putzy desserts is not my favorite thing to do, but it was worth it to see the smile on his face.
My heart and mind keep taking me back to this day last year. It was the day before Jeremy and Cheryl’s wedding and Jason was in rough shape. He was suffering from a horrible headache that the pain meds weren’t even touching. I had Jeremy go check on him while I was at work and he never even woke up the whole time Jeremy was there…even though the dogs were going nuts. I spent the morning at work sneaking phone calls to Jason’s nurse trying to figure out some new combination of meds to try. Luckily, we were able to get the pain under control right before rehearsal and dinner.
It’s days like today where I feel pulled between the past (Jason) and the now (our kids) that are an even harder struggle for me. I want our kids to know that I am here for them and that things like birthdays and holidays are still worth celebrating, but at the same time I feel so sad and checked-out. A friend of mine reminded me today that Jason and I raised three kick-ass kids who are phenomenal human beings and doing just fine…and that making Seth a blueberry pie on his birthday just to see him smile proves that I am still a kick-ass Mom…so I guess I’ll keep blundering along as best as I can.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 