Today is National Glioblastoma Awareness Day…I would love nothing more than to be frolicking through life blissfully unaware…instead I am all too aware of the devastating effects of this absolute monster of a cancer.
Another rough day today. Hanging on by a thread at work…choking back tears. Tried to focus on getting some more work in my yard done and ended up at my neighbor’s crying, chatting, and drinking on her deck.
Everything feels harder as the year mark approaches. I think I was hopeful that something would feel easier…that I would find something that helps ease the pain a little bit. Instead everything feels harder and I find myself drawing more and more into myself. I’m tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of feeling overwhelmed. Tired of feeling lonely. Tired of trying to figure out this shit life all by myself. Tired of feeling paranoid like everyone is peering at me from the outside…watching me…waiting for me to “move on” or “get better” so that I’m fun again and they don’t have to be afraid to say or do the wrong thing. Tired of masking my emotions…the whole “fake it til you make it”. Tired of feeling like a complete stranger to myself.
One Year And my foot still drifts across the bed Searching When the alarm wakes me A vast expanse of cold sheets Emptiness Your warm body gone And I wish that I just wouldn’t wake Drift Go find you waiting in the clouds And we could be Ree and Jas Forever How it was meant to be But instead I am stuck here Lonely A stranger to myself And my smile and laughter feel Forced No sparkle in my eyes My existence overwhelmed by Sadness All consuming sadness Head and heart so heavy Fighting Trying to find some sliver of hope One year Gone Too many more
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 