July

I’ve been quiet again lately…I know. The past few weeks have been extremely difficult. My mind keeps taking me back to July 2021. Replaying the last month of Jason’s life in my head. Tomorrow, July 20th is the day we saw Dr. Neil for the last time and she referred Jason to hospice. He had already stopped treatment…hoping that would help him feel better…it didn’t. He was in constant pain. I was communicating with his team daily trying to find the right combination of meds to bring him some relief. He had fallen a few times in the house. I didn’t know how much longer I would be able to work because I was terrified something would happen while I was gone.

I have been really busy during the day. Last week my new roof was installed. Yeah for crossing that off the list. I have been working really hard in my yard. The posts for the fence are being installed on August 1 so the line has to be cleared before that. I had a tree company come and cut down a few trees last week. I have had help from friends and family clearing, cutting, trimming. I decided that I want to move my gazebo into the back corner of the yard to make my peaceful spot. I ordered some wooden flooring for it and a canopy that should work as a roof. I’m looking forward to getting that all set up and in place.

Everything I cross off my list I hope will be the thing that will magically make me “feel better”…but the truth is that none of it really does. Yes, it feels good to get all these things done around the house…but that doesn’t touch my deep sadness and loneliness. The person that I want to share it all with is gone…and nothing can fix that.

I’ve been listening to this song a lot lately. I feel like it’s what Jason would say to me right now….but damn I just can’t figure out how…and honestly don’t really want to.