I’m feeling a little bit better today than I was yesterday. I met one of my widow friends after work today for drinks. Talked it out a little bit with her. I feel like the combination of dark, cold, and not having Jason beside me ever again has just hit me square in the gut. As if I needed some sort of reality check. I hate this roller coaster where I feel a little more steady for a few days and then for no apparent reason I just wake up the next day and everything is fresh again…my heart a gaping wound…life feeling like a complete drudgery.
I find myself getting weird about some things. For example, I get anxiety at the thought of people coming to my house. I was looking at front door welcome wreaths at the craft fair with my sister-in-law last Friday and it suddenly just hit me that I don’t want a wreath that welcomes people. I’m not wanting people to come over. I joked with her and said I need one that says “Welcome-ish”.
I also get anxiety over the possibility of seeing someone I know when I’m not expecting to see them. Whenever I’m out and about I just keep my head down and don’t make eye contact. Just depending on who the person is and what they may/or may not know about Jason there’s the danger of being put on the spot and getting hit with feelings that I don’t want to deal with at the moment. I’ve only run into people a couple of times…and it’s been just fine…but still the possibility causes stress.
I have a hard time concentrating on conversation when I’m out having dinner with friends or family. My mind totally wanders to all the other people I can see in the restaurant. I can tell you exactly where the couples are and the stories I have made up about them in my head. At which point I usually just want to go home honestly. High-back booths are the biggest blessing.
So that’s where I’m at…feeling sad and lonely…and getting kinda weird. It’s a poetry night…
Peace in a Wine Glass Some nights the wine Goes down Easy. But the bottom of the glass Holds no Peace. I get lost in the memories Of you and Me. My insides feel too tight And ready to Snap. The lump in my throat Restricts every Breath. Inside of my mind The panic is Rising. My grief is so strong- My anxiety Paralyzing. I’m trying to find myself- Find some happy Some joy. I see glimpses of a future- Feel moments of Okay. And then a fresh wave Of debilitating sadness Hits. I struggle to breathe And stand upright Again.