Today I am so thankful for my coworkers who had me laughing hysterically more than once today. I think we were all a little high off of paint fumes…but that’s beside the point. We closed our courts today until next Thursday to convert 2 tennis courts into 8 pickleball courts and then resurface the remaining 8 tennis courts. It is a big project that was announced with essentially zero warning and has been accompanied by ever-changing details and timeline….thus the added job stress the past couple weeks. It will be great when it’s done I’m sure…
Because our courts are closed, Levi had his tennis lesson at the Bloomington South location tonight. It was harder than I thought to sit and watch him. I watched Jason play oodles and oodles of matches on those courts. I miss watching him play so bad. He was always in his element out on the tennis court and I was always so proud to be his wife. It is fun to watch Levi play too…even though it was just a lesson today.
There are some snowflakes coming down with the rain tonight. I asked Seth before he left for work if he has a snowbrush in his Dad’s car. Jason was always the one that made sure a snowbrush was in mine when the flakes started to fly….
Today felt like a productive day…which is a good thing. I get stuck in “grief paralysis” so often that I feel like I do nothing and end up just frustrated with myself. I started the day out with a haircut. On my way home I decided to text the boys and see if they wanted to go out for breakfast…I thought we could visit one of my friends from my counseling group that works at Original Pancake House. Apparently everyone had the same idea this morning as there wasn’t even any street parking available in front of that restaurant! We ended up at Perkins instead. It was still good starting out the weekend with my boys…we might make Saturday morning breakfast a tradition! Whenever we eat at home I get like 15-20 minutes of interaction out of them before they are back in their rooms. Hanging out with Mom is not a teenage boy priority…who knew? LOL
When we got home I got stuck for a bit…sat on the couch…couldn’t move to do anything. Then I decided I could clean the kitchen because it is the least “Jason” room in the house. That felt really good! I disposed of a huge bag of meds and decluttered all the countertops. Now I’m looking around on Etsy for some cute “coffee bar” wall thing or something to put up. Maybe if I start in the easier rooms and work my way up I’ll be able to tackle our bedroom in a few years.
The dogs were excited to go for a walk today. It was so nice out…I tried to get them to stop so that we could take a selfie together. Well that didn’t work much…
Levi also played tennis today. He played pretty well and won his matches. He struggled a bit in the first match but I was really proud of how he hung in there and came from behind to win! It is also great to see how he is thinking out there on the court and not just trying to hit the ball as hard as he can every time. He is using a lot more strategy in his game and coming up to the net a lot more. Jason would have loved some of his volleys and points up at the net today.
Feeling over-tired and emotional tonight. I had a really good time in Eau Claire with Emily and Tim. We went out for breakfast this morning and then headed over to the UW-Eau Claire Homecoming Game to watch the marching band. We got there early enough to chat with Anna and her friend Ashleigh beforehand.
The marching band also did a “tailgate show” before the game started that was really fun. Anna was in the back row so we were only able to catch glimpses of her now and again. We did manage to snag a picture as they were walking into the stadium.
We suffered through watching the first half of the football game…and then watched the Halftime Show. I was excited that we sat on the correct side of the field and I was able to pick Anna out pretty easily. She is the second trumpet from the left in this picture
I left to come home after the Halftime Show and then went to watch Levi play tennis.
He lost his first match and won his second match. He hadn’t played a match for a couple of months so he enjoyed competing again. He has really been working hard on improving his technique and game strategy. I love watching him play…although he told me he started playing bad when I started watching…sigh. He never complained about Jason watching him.
Jason would be so proud of how well our kids are doing. They obviously miss him. We talk about him…what he would’ve said or done in certain situations. I think in a lot of ways having their Dad here and seeing how sick he was…how he couldn’t do the things he loved to do with them anymore…how he was in pain…and then ultimately watching him die…that was extremely hard on them. Now they are feeling more settled…more secure in their day-to-day…they are able to look to the future. I am so proud of them. They bring me joy like nothing else can…just seeing them happy…doing the things they love…indescribable emotion. They are living like their Dad wanted them to.
Then there’s me. So broken. Even though I had fun in Eau Claire a huge part of me was just bleeding inside the whole time. Seeing all the other happy couples there. Every young college couple was Jason and I. Listening to conversations around us on the bleachers…a couple behind us who had met at UWEC and got married…just like we did. All these people not even realizing how lucky they are…blissfully going about their lives. By the time the Halftime Show was over I was ready to run out of there…by the time I got to my car tears were rolling down my cheeks. Jason would have loved to be there today seeing his Girl. I wanted him next to me…watching her…talking about how amazing she is.
I have been thinking a lot about tennis lately…probably because the US Open is happening right now! Sometimes I feel like tennis is literally the glue that holds our family together.
If it weren’t for tennis, Jason and I might have never met. Jason and his brother were recruited by the tennis coach at UW-Eau Claire to play tennis on the team there. We met the day that he moved into the dorms. I had never watched a match before in my life…didn’t even know how the scoring worked. The US Open was on then too. I clearly remember watching tennis with Jason and him teaching me about the sport. Pete Sampras v Michael Chang….love me some Pete!
Jason dropped the UWEC tennis team his Sophomore year. Tough Computer Science classes and a girlfriend were taking up all his time, but he continued to play tournaments during the summers…Red Wing and Hastings mostly…and I loved watching my guy play. His passion for the sport was tangible and he was clearly in his element.
After we graduated and got married it didn’t take him long to hook up with the tennis community here in the Twin Cities. He played on a couple of city leagues first I think…Bloomington and Eagan. Then branched out into USTA leagues. I carted the kids around to watch him as much as I could 🙂 He loved it when “his cheering section” was there.
I’m not gonna lie we had more than one argument about how much tennis he played…but I also understood that tennis was his outlet…his passion…his exercise…his social activity. Tennis filled his cup so that he had more of himself to give to his family.
He also loved sharing tennis with the kids. One year for Easter we got them a portable tennis net and from that moment on “driveway tennis” was a favorite past-time. The net was used so much that it was never put away. We slid it into the garage in between our cars. Only problem with that was I had to make sure it was slid tight against Jason’s car when I backed out or I would run over the back leg…there was swearing more than once when I would forget!
We made so many good friends through tennis. They loved it when the kids and I would come and watch Jason play. When Jason was sick, he would light up when I would tell him that a tennis friend was coming to visit. He would just love reminiscing about past matches. He couldn’t remember what happened yesterday, or what was going to happen tomorrow, but a match 10 years ago he could pull out of his head like nobody’s business.
Four-ish years ago, when I started working at the health club in the Tennis Center the first thing that tennis players would ask me when they would come in would be “oh, do you play tennis?”. I would say “not really, but my husband does”. And when I would tell them that my husband is Jason Fregien many of them would have tales of matches they had played against Jason and what a great player he was.
Seth and Levi loved my new job because it meant they could start taking tennis classes. I learned how to play tennis too and even got to play in a Mixed Doubles tournament with Jason once. I still don’t play tennis very well, but 4 years of working in a Tennis Center means that I can “talk tennis” pretty well…and that is invaluable to me right now because it is my connection with my teenage boys. It gives us common ground. We can talk racquets…strings…players…strategies…and I feel like they value my opinion!
I remember Jason and I having a discussion once about how much money we spend on tennis. It’s not a cheap sport…especially to play all year. The line item of our budget marked “Tennis” has always had a pretty hefty number in it, but you know what? It is well worth it for all that our family has gained. Even the majority of trips both as a couple and as a family have come about thanks to tennis. Jason has played in National tournaments in Palm Springs, Charleston, Mobile, and Orlando. In fact, I think it was almost exactly 8-ish years ago that Jason and I were heading to Charleston where we both saw the ocean for the first time together. Priceless memories…worth every penny.
When Jason was battling Glioblastoma I faithfully kept up his Caring Bridge site. Although I had never written much of anything in the past, I found that many people enjoyed my writing style…loved being able to keep up with our journey…learn more about us through my posts…and that the writing was therapeutic for me. Now I hope that with this blog I can continue to reflect on the past…mourn in the present…and maybe find some hope for the future.
Love was the building block upon which Jason and I built our whole entire lives around. We loved each other and our children with everything we had. I’m not sure yet what my life looks like without the love of my life in it. It is hard to look forward to a future of loneliness. I am grateful that he left me with three beautiful children to live for.
Tennis has been a big part of our lives from the very beginning. It is what brought Jason to UW-Eau Claire where we met. Jason played tennis for many, many years and we made numerous fantastic friends through tennis. Many of our trips and great memories are tennis-related. Our children have all been involved in tennis…playing and coaching. I work at a local fitness club in the Tennis Center and have a great support system there.
Cancer is a word that you never, ever want to hear in relation to someone you love. Glioblastoma in particular is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. It is a brutal disease….stealing away bits and pieces of its victim little by little, day by day. For 15 months cancer consumed our whole entire lives…and now our lives are irreparable changed because of it.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 