Tag: tennis

There are moments in life that make me especially sad that Jason isn’t here to experience them. Sometimes they are big moments…like Anna graduating from college…but sometimes they are smaller. One of those smaller moments happened this weekend…and it hit me so hard I just stood in the kitchen all teary-eyed.

Tennis. It’s a big deal in my family. Our kids all had racquets in their hands even before they could walk. Jason loved to play “driveway tennis” with the kids when they were young. Often, he wouldn’t even make it in the house from work and he would be ambushed. The net would go across the driveway and I would watch from the window as I made dinner. Once they grew out of the driveway, they would head down to the courts. The boys especially vying for their share of Dad’s attention. As their skill grew they would beg him “not to go easy”.

It was devastating for all three of them when Jason couldn’t play anymore. Seth withdrew inside himself. Levi wandered around the house saying “I just want to play tennis”. Jason felt horrible. The easy answer would have been for the boys to hit together, but I think that was too painful without their Dad there. I felt helpless to do anything to make the situation better.

Now, fast-forward four years later…our boys are finally playing tennis together. They are making court times to hit. Doing drill together on Sundays. They came home from hitting on Saturday and the three of us were standing in the kitchen. They were telling me all about it. We were talking about tournaments and pros and this person and that person. And I just got teary. I told the boys “I love it when you’re playing lots of tennis. It makes me happy”. And I just thought…this is the good stuff right here…the two of them FINALLY connecting over their shared passion…why does Jason have to miss this?

It has been a busy, busy week. Levi wrapped up his tennis season playing singles in Individual Sections on Tuesday and Thursday. He won both of his matches on Tuesday and then lost against the #1 kid in the State on Thursday. I think that loss only showed him the things that he needs to keep working on and added fuel to his fire. We were both really sad that he couldn’t share this tennis moment with his Dad, but he does have a lot of support and had a phenomenal group of guys there cheering him on. These guys have been steadfast in supporting my family these past two years. They put up with me daily…and make sure my boys are okay and get plenty of opportunities for good tennis.

My parents also came on Thursday just in time to watch Levi’s match and are with us this weekend. It has been great having them here. They helped me get my garage cleaned out so I can actually park the cars in there again. Yeah!! I’ve been dealing with the insurance company for hail damage to my cars and roof from a storm about three weeks ago and really don’t want to go through all that hassle again! We also took a walk to Jason’s bench, went to a garden center, and my sister and her family came over for pizza last night. It’s been a good weekend.

This week I have a landscaper and a fence company coming to give me estimates and ideas for my yard. Right now when I look out at my yard all I feel is stress because I see all the work that needs to be done. I want my yard to be more of a sanctuary for my family. Where we can just hang out together…eat outside…have fires…let the dogs run around. I also have a dream of having a “me spot”…a place where I can drink my morning coffee…or a glass of wine in the evening…write…maybe some sort of water fountain…hammock…pergola maybe. We’ll see. Jason gave me my gazebo to be that place for me before, but now that the gazebo is worn out I need a more permanent place. It’s also something I can feel a little excited about, which honestly, is a feeling I don’t feel much anymore. I either absolutely don’t want to do things, or I tolerate things….and those things usually only with a few drinks. So a project that makes me feel excited and gives me something to look forward to feels really good right now.

Today was Levi’s last match of the season with Eastview. He still has Individual Sections next week…so more tennis for him to play…but his team is done. They played Benhilde-St. Margaret. He played a great match and won at 3 singles, but his team ended up losing 3-4. They had a really good season…although the weather could’ve been better at the beginning of the season especially!

Jeremy came to watch today. He walked into the spectator area with a woman that looked very familiar to me, but I couldn’t place her until he said…”Did you recognize who I walked over with? Jason’s partner…” And then the light went on. Sarah that Jason had played mixed doubles with at the last National’s Tournament that he played in November 2019. She was the Mom of one of the players on the Benhilde-St Margaret team. I didn’t know her as well as some of his other partners, but the fact that she was there nagged at my brain and my emotions the whole match.

When the match was over I went up to her and introduced myself. She already knew who I was and gave me a big hug and asked how we were doing. I got teary-eyed and had to put a huge effort into holding back sobs. Unusual for me. I don’t know if it was seeing her unexpectantly…or memories that came up…a combination…but damn that was hard on me. I told her we were hanging in there…still doing a lot of tennis. She commented on how well Levi played and I said “He’s a lot like his Dad and if there is one thing I know Jason would approve of it’s tennis. So here we are”. And then I said my goodbyes and got out of there before I turned into a mess on the court.

Unexpected triggers are hard. It’s like my legs get swept out from under me and I just can’t find my footing or my breath for a bit. Most of my days I have my guard up and I’m better prepared…like when I’m at work…most of the time my emotions are battened down tight. Today…watching my kid play…not so much.

And it’s a Wednesday…I don’t count the weeks anymore….but every single Wednesday I think “Jason died on Wednesday”.

Last week in therapy we talked a lot about how humans have the ability to feel multiple emotions at a time…sometimes very strong emotions…sometimes emotions that are complete opposites of each other. She was asking me to rate on a scale of 0-10 how often I have felt certain emotions or how strong certain emotions have been in the past week….happy, hopeful, hopeless, sad, anxious, irritated, lonely, etc.

So often the times when I would say I am feeling the happiest…I am also feeling so incredibly sad. Today is one of those days. Levi wrapped up the regular season for tennis and brought home the award for Most Improved Player. I am so happy for him and so proud of him. He worked incredibly hard all year…private lessons, drills, matchplay, etc. He never hung his racquet up or took a break…just kept grinding. He just loves the game so much and wants to play the best that he can, not only for himself, but for his team. And while I am so happy….I am so sad because his Dad isn’t here to share this moment. And it’s moments like these where I feel like praise from his Dad would mean so much more than praise from me.

Every time I feel like I must have finally hit rock bottom, nope, somehow my mood keeps getting lower. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I sit on the couch every morning talking myself into getting up and going to work. On the way to work I fight to get my “work face” on….the one that says everything is fine to the outside world. Everyday that gets a little harder. I enjoy seeing my friends at work, but by the time the end of the day comes I am just exhausted from all the “people-ing”. I had to step away from my desk today because two couples were standing by my desk talking about someone they know who was just diagnosed with brain cancer. The way they were talking about it, I knew it had to be glioblastoma. Of course, they had no idea their conversation was bothering me and I was about to lose my shit. On the drive home my “work face” falls off and my mood plummets. I get home, but it doesn’t feel like home anymore without my person.

It’s Levi’s tennis season right now, so I’ll go to his matches if I can. I am so proud of how well he is playing…but to say it is hard for me to watch him is an understatement. Most of the time I get teary-eyed because Jason isn’t there to watch. Damn…he would be so proud of Levi right now. Sometimes I wish the boys didn’t like to play tennis, just because watching them is so emotional for me…but then I’m also so glad that they will always have that connection to their Dad. He definitely passed on his love of the sport to them.

Then I get home…probably order something for dinner. I rarely cook anything anymore. Have a drink…or two. Play piano…listen to music…write….wander around the house…doze on the couch as I put off going to bed alone. Going to bed alone sucks…really, really bad. I have to be exhausted before I even try to sleep. I can only sleep on my left side…facing away from Jason’s side of the bed…or on my stomach…again with my face away from his side of the bed. I just can’t face the emptiness on the other side. I sleep better if I can get Linc to sleep in bed with me…but either way it is a lot of waking up and mind-spinning restless nights.

Sometimes I go out with friends…but they aren’t the same friends I went out with before. One of the things I am really struggling with right now is interacting with people my own age. The reminder of what my life should be like right now, with my husband, is extremely difficult. For example, I really like Levi’s girlfriend’s family, but being around them is really, really hard. I get anxiety about it and feel really uncomfortable. I spend a lot of the time feeling like I’m not even in my body and am watching the whole thing from up above myself. It’s had for me to concentrate on conversation and I feel myself closing up and getting really quiet. Going out with younger work friends or my widow friends is easier, but still has it’s difficult moments for sure.

There’s this song by Em Beihold called “Numb Little Bug” that I heard on the radio the other day. A lot of the lyrics of the song resonate very strongly with me…especially the refrain. “Do you ever get a little big tired of life? Like you’re not really happy, but you don’t wanna die. Like you’re hanging by a thread but you gotta survive….gotta survive. Like your body’s in the room but you’re not really there. Like you have empathy inside, but you don’t really care”. Yeah….I feel you Em.

Sometimes I wonder if I am remembering accurately how great Jason was and how happy we were together, but no…he wasn’t perfect…I am far from perfect…but we were perfectly happy together. He could make anything from a rainy Saturday morning to a shitty day at work to having to put our dog to sleep bearable. There wasn’t a pain he was unable to soothe…except for now.

Levi and his girlfriend are so freaking adorable I can’t even stand it. I am so proud of him and so happy that he is happy. And then I see the way he loves spending time with her and her parents…who all play tennis…and are a whole family…with a tennis-playing Dad…and damn…that pain is real.

An addition to our house arrived today in the form of a “new to us” piano! None of us really play piano yet, but Levi has been learning on his keyboard and I am looking forward to learning how to play something more than “Ode to Joy” as well. I have been having a hard time getting into any of the hobbies I had before and need a new past time. I think she looks beautiful against our newly-painted walls.

Music has always spoken to me, but it has become a huge part of my days the past eight months. Frank Ocean said, “When you’re happy, you enjoy the music but when you’re sad, you understand the lyrics”. That is so very true. Songs that I have heard a million times can now bring me to tears. And listening to “happy” music right now is impossible for me. I just don’t feel it. The playlists that Spotify customizes for me based on my music preferences are probably not something most people would enjoy…but they get me where I’m at right now. In music I find my kindred spirit…that some person out there in this world who gets it. Well, that and poetry…of course. And bonus…Emmett seems to like the piano!

Today I went to watch Levi play his high school match. He is playing 3 singles this year. It was his second match of the season, but the first that I have watched. He played at Bloomington South. It was emotional for me to go watch him on a few levels. One…Jason would have loved being there watching him play. One of his greatest joys in life is watching his boys play tennis. He would have been so proud of the work that Levi has put into his tennis game this past year to reach his goal of being put into the singles line up. Two…going to Bloomington South…especially the back bubble..is a huge emotional trigger for me. In fact, it almost prevented me from going to watch him today. I almost went home instead. I spent so much time sitting on those bleachers watching Jason play USTA matches. I really miss watching him play. He was so fun to watch. His love for the sport came through in the way he played. He also loved it when I would come watch him. He would always try to get put on a court where I would have the best view.

Tomorrow, Anna is coming home for the weekend. I am looking forward to having the kids all home for a couple days.