Loving Eyes

My cold has gotten a lot better today…thank you to everyone who checked in on me today. My sister asked me tonight if I was “hydrated and medicated”…I told her I was on my second glass of wine…so yes? Truth is that I feel a lot better physically, but my mental and emotional state are….not sure what the right word is…melancholy?

I tried starting a new series on Netflix…”Shadow and Bone”…it’s based on a book series that I have read. I forgot about the underlying romances in the storyline…ugh… I watched a few episodes and then turned it off. It’s frustrating because “normally” it’s the type of series that I would love…fantasy, intrigue, romance…now it just all makes me sad.

Then I was working on some Christmas gifts. I almost feel like I need to apologize to anyone that gets a gift from me this year because they are not at all uplifting, fun gifts. I did almost all of my shopping on Etsy…and some I created myself. Maybe I should hand out little packs of Kleenex with my gifts?

I had music going, like I usually do. Spotify thought I would really like the song “Tuesdays” by Jake Scott. Spotify gets me. I’d like more Tuesdays….or anydays.

And then because I guess I’m a glutton for punishment and “Tuesdays” had me thinking about weddings I was watching clips of Jason and I dancing at his brother’s wedding…and then that led to this poem.

Loving Eyes

When the sadness feels so heavy
Concrete block sitting on my chest

And the tears fall from my eyes
But the scream is stuck inside

I look at pictures and watch videos
I need so bad to see you

To see your smile, the way you moved
Your laugh, the way you looked at me

With eyes that had a special language
That spoke straight to my heart

They told me how much you loved me
How you didn’t want to leave

I wanted those eyes, that love
For the rest of my life

But instead I had them
For yours.

Photograph

Spent a lot of time last night journaling and looking at pictures of happier times. Trying to pull myself up a bit. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.

This morning I was listening to music on Spotify like I always do when I get ready for the day and Spotify randomly played me this version of Ed Sheeran’s “Photograph”. I love Ed…but this version…whole new level…so many tears

Vampires

I sat down to write tonight and started listening to music instead. I came across this song…”If We Were Vampires”…by an artist I had never heard of before…Jason Isbell. It is a poetically beautiful song and very fitting because it is about ideas that have been going through my head a lot lately.

After Jason was diagnosed, I honestly would have done ANYTHING to trade places with him. Seeing the person I love most in this world in pain and losing parts of himself bit by bit…slowly. Confused…unsure of himself…unable to make the simplest of decisions. He did not deserve any of that and it was excruciating to not be able to do anything to make it better.

And now I think he’s the lucky one, because this pain…this being the one left behind…being alone…looking into a future without him in it…sucks.

"Maybe time running out is a gift
I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift
And give you every second I can find
And hope it isn't me who's left behind

It's knowing that this can't go on forever
Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone
Maybe we'll get forty years together
But one day I'll be gone
Or one day you'll be gone"
--Jason Isbell

I wish we would’ve had 40 years…

Feeling Low

Not in a great headspace today. Anna is coming home tomorrow so I’m trying to focus on that…but just feeling really down. Writing…listening to music…drinking wine…cuddling dogs.

Surviving

I miss living.
Feeling alive and whole
Knowing happiness and contentment
And the best love…always…and always.

Now I try
I try so hard
But I’m just surviving.
Spinning my wheels…round…and round.

Everything is fake
This can’t be real
Wake me from this nightmare
Groundhogs Day…again…and again.

I’m on edge all the time
My jaw clenched tight
There’s a chasm inside
A scream fighting to take over…and over…and over.

If I shatter into pieces
No one can put me back together
So I wake up in this fake life again
And keep on going…and going…and going.