Tag: birthday

Happy Birthday Anna!

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today is our Baby Girl’s 20th birthday! So crazy! I think Jason and I were barely back from our Honeymoon and I was telling him I wanted to have a baby. I remember him telling me that he wanted to wait until at least after Christmas…and that’s pretty much what we did.

Anna was a bit of a challenge. Because Jason is a twin we had an early ultrasound to check for twins. There were a few moments where two techs were looking at the screen before they said “Okay. Only one. We thought for a few moments there were two”. Then at the ultrasound where they are able to determine the sex she was sleeping soundly with her legs crossed. The tech wouldn’t even guess. Jason wanted him to poke my belly a bit to get the baby to wake up…a suggestion I did not approve of one bit with a full bladder.

Her due date was Oct. 21. Which came and went with no sign of baby. Everyone kept telling me I could have a Halloween baby. I didn’t think there was any way I would still be pregnant on Halloween…well…I was. I finally went into labor on Halloween. I think it was 11pm when we went into the hospital. Some of the nurses were wearing costumes.

I discovered two important things about Jason that night. Number one. He really, really, really is not a lot of help in the delivery room. He was excellent at a lot of things…seeing his wife in pain…combined with blood and other “stuff”…not his strong suit. I think his eyes ventured “south” once during Anna’s birth. He caught a glimpse of my bloody sock…I heard the nurse say “Dad, you doing okay”…and pretty soon he had a nurse as well. Telling him to put his head between his knees and bringing him snacks. When Seth and Levi were born I let the nurses know ahead of time to keep an eye on him.

The second thing I learned is more important…all of my suspicions about Jason being excellent “Dad material” were confirmed. Once Anna was born he was all about being the best Dad he could possibly be. He changed diapers. Rocked her to sleep. Played with her endlessly. During her “challenging years”…and she had quite a few…he and I would tag-team dealing with her. When one of us ran out of patience the other was “it”. He loved his “Nonnie” with his whole heart.

Now she is an amazing young woman. Almost half-way through her Sophomore year of college at UW-Eau Claire. She is finding what she is passionate about. She is involved…has great friends…is happy. All of the things parents want their kids to be. I am so proud of her and know that Jason was too. Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

Good Memories Today

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today was a nice ending to a topsy-turvy week. I went to Jason’s Mom and Dad’s house and had the best time sharing memories with them and my SIL, Jackie. We laughed…we cried…we supported each other in our sadness over losing Jason…we ate birthday cake. It was just what I needed…and I wish I would have done it sooner.

This morning I finished reading a book called, “It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand” by Megan Devine. I read it through the first time kind of fast and now feel like I need to read it again to really soak it in, but this is the start of Chapter One and I feel every word of this so deeply

Here’s what I most want you to know: this really is as bad as you think.

No matter what anyone else says, this sucks. What has happened cannot be made right. What is lost cannot be restored. There is no beauty here, inside this central fact.

Acknowledgement is everything.

You’re in pain. It can’t be made better.

The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can’t be cheered out of.

You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life.

Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried”

p. 3

And that is why today was what I needed. No one was trying to “fix” me….or cheer me up….or got uncomfortable when I cried. No one was offering me empty platitudes…telling me I should be grateful because he’s in a “better place”. We all want him back here…and miss him so deeply.

On my way home I could almost feel Jason sitting next to me with his hand on my leg. I almost reached down a couple times to put my hand on top of his and rub my fingers on his weird fingernail that had this ridge in it…as I would often do while driving. And then I started thinking about a poem that I have been working on and all the words to finish it came to me. This one is for you Kent and Jan from Jason.

When you think of me
I know your hearts are sad.
But I loved you more than anything,
Mom and Dad.

You taught me how to swing a bat
Eat all my peas
Hit the ball
Right off the tees

You were my biggest hero
In my athletic career
For every game and match
In the stands you’d cheer.

You taught me how to be a man
How to live with integrity
Stand up for what I believe in
Let no one pressure me.

You taught me how to be a husband
I had an amazing wife
We loved each other and were so happy
All our married life.

You taught me how to be a dad
To my sons and daughter
The greatest blessings of my life
I was a very lucky father.

Someday when you look at my pictures
I hope that you can grin
Although my life was way too short
I’d do it all again.

Happy Heavenly Birthday

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today is Jason’s 44th birthday…his 1st one in Heaven. Ugh…how all the first things without him suck. So many extra reminders of him not being here…empty spaces that were his.

If he were here we would go out to dinner tonight. Probably somewhere not too fancy because he wouldn’t want to make too big a deal out of it. He’d order an Old Fashioned…with bourbon, not brandy…sorry my Wisconsin friends who make them wrong…and then we would just spend time as a family.

This week I’ve been listening to this song a lot…”Memories” by Maroon Five

So if you’re thinking about Jason and our family today on his birthday. Raise your glass of whatever you are drinking…Old Fashioned or otherwise…and think of your favorite memory of him. He’ll feel us…I know he will.

Happy Birthday Babe
Wish you were here.
I would wake you up with kisses
And whisper in your ear.

Instead you are gone
And nothing feels right.
Without you by my side
Holding me tight

People keep saying
You're in a better place.
But you were happy here
Always a smile on your face.

I know you felt pain
Memory loss and confusion
Is it selfish to want you back?
Death is an unfair conclusion.

I hope you are happy now
Painfree and whole
Playing tennis like you loved
Before the ability was stole.

So happy birthday my love
My angel in Heaven
Keep watching over us
Until we meet again.
Jason’s 40th Birthday

Birthday Recap

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today is my birthday…44 years. I have always loved my birthday. This year I was dreading it. I have felt myself getting wound up about it for the past week or so…my body and emotions just getting tighter and tighter. This morning was the first morning where I really did not want to even get out of bed. I just laid there and laid there and laid there…before finally getting up 20 minutes before I had to be out the door. I missed Jason’s “Happy Birthday Babe” voice in my ear….so much

I had contemplated trying to take some if not all of the day off work today. I am glad that I didn’t because I really felt the love there today. My work peeps continue to take care of me…coffee, chocolate, lunch, flowers, cards, check-ins. Having my mind semi-occupied and being around people was much better than roaming around the house. At least I had people around to hug me when I was teary….and I was many, many times.

Anna called to wish me a Happy Birthday this afternoon. She is doing so good at school. I’m glad that she is having such a great year and having a fantastic college experience. The boys made plans with Jeremy and Cheryl (my BIL and SIL) to take me out for dinner. We went to a newer restaurant in Apple Valley that we had not been to before. A few friends met us there which was a great surprise. Dinner followed by drinks and cards was exactly what I needed today.

I had so many other calls, texts, porch drops, cards, etc from family and friends that I have not had a chance to respond to yet…my day was kept so busy. Thank you…thank you…for thinking about me today. It means so much to me. I appreciate you all.

All of these “first time” things without the love of my life are excruciatingly hard. I don’t even know how to explain it. I just wish he were still here at my side…enjoying life together like we were supposed to be…for many, many more years. It’s hard to find joy in life without my love to share it with.

Growing Old

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

In my line of work, and in everyday life really, I hear people complain about “getting old” all. the. time. Usually it’s when something in their body is hurting or not working the way it used to and the first thing out of their mouths is “Getting old sucks”. I get that it’s not ageing that they are really complaining about…we all want to live forever don’t we?…it’s the aches and pains. However, it is really hard for me to let those comments roll of my shoulders lately. In my head my retort is something along the lines of, “Well, plenty of people who die young would disagree with you. Stop complaining. You’ve gotten to do so many things in life. You have Grandkids. You and your spouse are retired and living the best life. Get over it”. I just keep it inside and smile.

Tomorrow is my birthday…44 years. In the past I have always loved my birthday. Jason always made sure I had the best day. He would take off work and we would spend the day together. Usually going for a hike…having lunch out…enjoying some kid-free time. He would often plan the an evening out with our friends…hibachi at Osaka…drinks…fun shenanigans. And then deal with me probably being a bit hungover the next morning.

This year I am dreading it. It feels like the ultimate of things I am now doing without him…getting older. I will no longer be 43..the same age he was when he died…I’ll move on to 44…and he won’t..,