10 Months

This week has been ROUGH. I told my therapist yesterday that I’ve had this line from a children’s book running through my head. I read it to my kids a million times, but I can’t remember the title….but the line is “sometimes I want to curl up in a ball so no one can see me because I’m so small”.

After a good weekend with my parents…we got my garage cleaned out…yeah! My week went downhill pretty quickly. Woke up Tuesday morning to my downspout hanging off the side of my house and my gutter dented. No idea how that happened. One more thing to take care of. Then my “service engine soon” light came on in my car. I’m sure it just needs an oil change. One more thing to take care of. Wednesday morning my dishwasher stopped draining. One more thing to take care of. Yesterday we dropped Seth’s car off to get the hail damage fixed so we’re down a car for awhile. One more thing to sort out. I cannot handle anymore “one more things”!!!

Wednesday the landscaper came out to meet with me and we walked around the yard and talked about what I’m looking for. I knew that I really needed to work with someone on this project who I can feel a connection with because it is very important to me that it is done right. I told him before we even walked around the house that my husband passed away in August after battling brain cancer for 15 months and that I need my backyard to be a place where I don’t feel stress. A place where the kids and I can hang out…the dogs can play…a special place for me. Thankfully, he completely got where I was coming from. So much so that when I told him Jason bought me the gazebo and that it was my peaceful place for the past 4 years he suggested using parts off it somewhere in the landscape design. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with!

And so it’s been a week of high stress and very high anxiety. Mornings where I’ve woken up…but not wanted to…dragged myself out of bed…somehow got to work…and then had to sit in the parking lot and breathe my way out of a panic attack….get my “work mask” as firmly in place as I can…and then fight my way through one more day…and one more day…and one more day. And when I say “fight” I am not using that word lightly…because I DON’T WANT TO.

So 10 months. I just want to stop going forward. I feel like time is just taking me away from Jason. I know that’s not true in my head….but my heart doesn’t care what makes sense.

I miss my husband so bad. I told my therapist yesterday that I miss the feeling of being so completely and perfectly loved. “Soulmates” is such a cheesy word…but we were that for each other. Two imperfect people that perfectly fit together.

The Knowing

No feeling in the world can beat
Feeling completely loved.

When another soul looks at yours
And sees all the broken messy bits.

The insecurities
The failures
The hurts

And doesn’t accept you despite them
But because of them

Because they are what make you.

And in that person you find your home

Your refuge
Your safety
Your peace

Your souls will form a bond
Unbreakable by time, distance, death

Your hearts will beat together
The rhythm of your love

Your bodies will search for each other
Like polar ends on a magnet

And that’s when you know.

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