Rough morning today. I woke up with my brain replaying the hospice days in my head. I know it’s because I was looking at pictures last night and ran across one that I don’t remember seeing before. Jason is sleeping in the hospital bed in our living room and I am sleeping curled up on the sofa next to him holding his hand. On the edge of the picture on the other side you can see that Jeremy is holding his other hand. I don’t have a lot of pictures from those hospice days. How I don’t remember seeing this one before I have no idea…but it really hit me last night.
I feel like there’s a lot of things I just don’t remember from the days of hospice until Jason’s funeral. Maybe my brain and emotions are just too overloaded. Maybe it’s too painful to remember. I don’t know. I remember leaning on Jeremy and Cheryl a lot…maybe too much. I remember feeling like my little house of cards that I had worked so hard to keep bolstered up was all crashing down on top of me…and I was powerless to stop it. In the end, my will and my love wasn’t enough.
Now I’m trying to rebuild my house of cards. Jason and I built such a strong foundation together. That’s still there at least. It’s hard to find the heart to put into it though.
I have also been doing work in my actual house…with help from family and friends. We cleaned out our basement and bought new furniture. It’s a great place to hang out now. I also am waiting on new furniture for the living room, and am going to paint the living room walls. Trying to freshen things up a bit so the kids and I can feel comfortable and make more new good memories in this house.