Tag: New Year

2021…the year so many people were anxious to leave behind. It was a hard year, but when I look back I see so many good things…people and events…intertwined with the painful. These are in no particular order.

–Strong relationships with Jason’s health care team–especially his neuro-oncologist Dr. Neil, her nurse Courtney, his hospice nurse Amanda, the hospice chaplain Sheila, Amie my grief counselor through hospice. These women were true blessings to us. I will always, always remember them and be grateful to them for sustaining Jason’s quality of life and his dignity in death. Their compassion is truly a gift.

–Friendships new and old, near and far. I don’t know where I would be without my friends…truly. All the new friends that I have made through my grief counseling group. My constant friends that have been there since middle school, high school, and/or college. My work friends that can take one look at my face and know when I’m having a hard day and just need a freaking hug. Friendships that have been rekindled after a break. Long distance friendships. Friends that teach my kid how to drive. Friends that I can just sit with and talk with about anything…and trust that I have their confidence. Friends that are there for me to go for walks, out for coffee, or drinks. Friends that help with logistics…like Levi needing rides. Friends that text me and say “you have got to listen to this song”. Thank you for “getting me”.

–Family…my kids…my extended family…my in-laws. Thank you for loving me…having patience with me…crying with me…laughing with me…remembering with me. Answering questions for me like “how do you change the furnace filter?” Answering the phone when I’m crying so hard I can’t get words out. Being a presence in the lives of my kids.

–Seth and Levi both playing Varsity on the Eastview tennis team and Jason and I being able to watch so many matches…including Seth going to State.

–Seth graduating from high school, getting his driver’s license, and getting his first job.

–Anna rocking the college life….being involved in band…having great friends…lining up Internships.

–Levi starting high school and working really hard at his tennis game. Jason would love his dedication.

–Family vacation at Ruttgers. Our favorite vacation place that we had gone to for years. It was truly a blessing to be able to go there as a family one last time. Those few days are filled with good memories the kids and I will treasure forever…fishing, pontoon rides, pickleball, tennis

–Jeremy and Cheryl’s wedding. Jason was so proud to stand beside his brother that day. I’m so happy that he had that opportunity…and the chance to see his family and friends. I’ll always cherish the memory of our last dance.

–The opportunity for the kids and I to go to Cincinnati for the Western and Southern Open. This was supposed to be Jason’s bucket list trip. Good friends spearheaded a fundraiser to raise money for the trip so we could go. Sadly, he didn’t make it, but the kids and I and my sister went in his honor. Even though we were devastated that he wasn’t there, it was a good chance for us to bond together. I also was overjoyed to be able to see our friend Sarah while we were there.

–Solo trip to Alexandria in September. Two of my friends gifted me with a weekend up at the cabin that Jason and I celebrated our anniversary at in 2020. Having that time by myself without responsibilities to anyone else was exactly what I needed in that moment.

–Empty Chair Service. Beautiful. Powerful. Healing. I realized some things about God and my Faith that evening.

And I’m sure there are other things that I am forgetting. Yes, 2021 was painful, but it was also filled with great memories. Looking forward to 2022…to me that’s harder…

Time marches on whether we want it to or not. 2022 is here. The kids and I went to Jeremy and Cheryl’s last night. It is always good to hang out with them and was definitely better than spending the evening alone….but there was some “unraveling”…we left early…and I feel like I owe J and C an apology for a less than relaxing NYE.

I was already feeling emotional about the New Year…holding on by a thread…but I felt like I was doing okay. Then I picked up a book from the coffee table that Cheryl’s daughter had made for them for Christmas with pictures from their wedding in July. Beautiful book, beautiful pictures…and then I hit the last photo spread and it was “In Memory of Jason Fregien” and I lost it. I’m crying right now thinking about it again. That small thread snapped and I just really wasn’t able to recover the rest of the night.

Emotions were also running high with Anna…but she never wants to show her sadness…so it comes out cranky and bitchy. She was a handful….literally acting like a 2 year old. And all I kept thinking was “I can’t deal with her right now. I need Jason” over and over again. I have to remind myself that in some ways she is at a different place with her grieving because she went back to school pretty quickly after Jason died…reality is hitting her now.

We were watching NYE celebrations on TV. When Midnight hit on the East Coast and the host said “Make sure you have your person next to you to ring in the New Year!” I knew it was time to go. I was in bed sleeping by midnight Central Time.

My plan for today is to stay warm and cozy inside. Maybe get out a puzzle. Listen to music. Try to find some calm.

Yesterday was the day I *almost* said “eff it” and just didn’t get out of bed. Thank you to everyone who gave me a pep talk on Facebook. Your kind words brightened my day.

These past few weeks have been especially hard for me. Everyone in Holiday mode…work has been busy and stressful…lots of people off work and/or school coming into the Club…coworkers sick or taking PTO. Don’t get me wrong I have a lot of great friends at work who give me hugs and a shoulder to cry on, but being at a public desk all day long is also emotionally exhausting…a lot of putting on the “happy mask”….pretending everything is all right.

January will bring a lot of change again. My work schedule changes on Monday. I’ll be going in to work an hour earlier. Levi also goes back to school on Monday. I won’t be able to give him a ride to school anymore so Anna or Seth will have to give him a ride…hopefully no one oversleeps. Seth moves to Wausau mid-January to start school. Anna is home until the end of January. How Levi is going to get to school come February I have no idea…always things to figure out.

Tonight we are going to say goodbye to 2021 with Jeremy and Cheryl. I hope you all have a Happy New Year.