Sometimes I forget that losing the love of my life doesn’t mean that I’ve lost everyone who loves me….and then I am reminded.
Yesterday I felt like I was at a very low point…feeling like I was trying to pick myself up…do things that are good for me…and in the end just being exhausted. My days are so full of “stuff” that I “have to” do…by the time I sit to have a few moments to myself it is often 9pm or later and I am just oh so tired. I process my thoughts for a few moments by writing…so grateful that I discovered this outlet and was encouraged to keep at it by so many people…and then collapsing in to bed.
Yesterday I was trying to make dinner and cry at the same time…couldn’t even blame it on onions…and I started texting with my besties from high school…saying I was just done and really needed some time alone. A couple insensitive comments had been made to me by different people and I was hanging on by a thread…trying to remember that people just don’t think before their mouths start flapping. When I was asked where I would want to go it just popped into my head…I really want to go back to the cabin in Alexandria where Jason and I stayed for a few days last August to celebrate our anniversary.
So thanks to them and to several other friends that are holding down the fort for me at home…I am taking some time…to sit by the lake…write…read…cry…hopefully find some little shred of peace so that I can come back even the tiniest bit better.
It’s Freshmen Eve in our house tonight. Levi is pretty excited. He’s showered…packed his lunch…backpack ready to go…alarm set. I am hardcore struggling. Yes, he’s my baby so it’s hard to see him growing up…that’s definitely part of it. The other bigger part is that I just can’t stop thinking how unfair it is that his Dad isn’t here with him.
Jason was pretty newly diagnosed for Anna’s graduation and was a very proud Dad to attend her two very strange “covid-style” graduations from Eastview and the School of Environmental Studies. He fought hard to make it to Seth’s graduation…even though it was hotter than blazes outside…there were a lot of people…and a long walk…he did it. So proud of Seth and unwilling to miss the ceremony…no question in his mind that he was going to be there.
Now with Levi, my heart just aches. It is so unfair that his Dad is gone before his high school career even started. He’s left with just me…and I feel like so far from enough. So as I’m putting all the important school days on the calendar…and the chess team schedule…and the tennis drills..trying to make sure nothing slips through the cracks…all I’m thinking is “I wish Jason were here”.
Do you ever have a dream that sticks with you throughout the day and you just can’t shake it? That was me today. I had a pretty much identical dream twice last night. In my dream “they” let Jason come back for a few days. I don’t remember him saying anything to me, but I distinctly remember being tucked in his side under his arm and telling him how shit life is without him and how I don’t know what to do with myself when he’s gone. Both times I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I wish he would have said something…but he didn’t.
He would have been so proud of our boys today. Seth got his first job at the same health club I work at. I jokingly told him at dinner that he can now either call me Boss or Mrs. Fregien…he didn’t even chuckle…rude.
Levi had Freshmen Orientation tonight. I’m not ready for my baby to grow up. I was glad it was dark when they were playing the intro video because I was so teary-eyed thinking about how Jason is going to miss all of his high school years. Ugh…that sucks. Go Eastview Lightning Class of 2025!