Tag: glioblastoma

Four Weeks Today

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today marks four weeks since Jason has been gone. Every day is harder…reality sinks in just a little more…tears are closer to the surface…getting out of bed a chore. My mornings are a struggle…hard to get going. I’m glad that I am back at work…if I get there and just need a hug to give me strength for my day I am always able to find someone to give me one. Then I am able to throw on my “Everything is Fine” mask to get through my day.

Getting home from work is a slap in the face again. Walking in the door and not seeing Jason sitting on the couch waiting for me…happy to see me home. No one to talk to about my day…except the dogs…they’re always happy to see me.

I try to keep up some semblance of normal at home for the boys…eating dinner together…running them to their activities…taking the dogs to the park to play. Then they go to their rooms to chill and I am alone…so I write…missing Jason next to me…wishing my feet were on his lap…or warming up under his thigh.

Someday maybe things will get easier, but that day is not today.

21 Year Anniversary

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

3 days ago I spent our 21st Wedding Anniversary without Jason. It was a very hard day for me. I woke up in the morning brutally sad from the first opening of my eyes….tears just would not stop rolling down my cheeks. I kept trying to pull myself together, but it was a struggle. Up until this point, every time I would see elderly couples together celebrating 60+ years together I would envision Jason and I like that…old and wrinkled and still very much in love…embracing the Grandma/Grandpa life. It hit very hard and hurts very deep the brutal truth that will never be us.

Last August for our 20th Anniversary we took a little getaway and stayed at a cabin on a lake in Alexandria. The pictures from that trip have been showing up on my Facebook memories. Jason was still doing pretty well back then health-wise. He had memory issues and confusion, but for the most part he was still “my Jason”. He hadn’t suffered from seizures yet or had his second brain surgery…the two things that he really never recovered from.

I knew deep down that there was a very real possibility that Jason and I would not spend another anniversary together. It was very hard for me to live in the moment and enjoy every second with that knowledge looming over my head, but for the most part I did and we made a lot of good memories that trip…fished…walked through Downtown Alexandria…went to a winery…went out to eat at a place that had live music outside on the patio.

This is one of my favorite pictures of us…while he was sick anyway…and it is from that trip.

Why “Love, Tennis, and Cancer”?

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

When Jason was battling Glioblastoma I faithfully kept up his Caring Bridge site. Although I had never written much of anything in the past, I found that many people enjoyed my writing style…loved being able to keep up with our journey…learn more about us through my posts…and that the writing was therapeutic for me. Now I hope that with this blog I can continue to reflect on the past…mourn in the present…and maybe find some hope for the future.

Love was the building block upon which Jason and I built our whole entire lives around. We loved each other and our children with everything we had. I’m not sure yet what my life looks like without the love of my life in it. It is hard to look forward to a future of loneliness. I am grateful that he left me with three beautiful children to live for.

Tennis has been a big part of our lives from the very beginning. It is what brought Jason to UW-Eau Claire where we met. Jason played tennis for many, many years and we made numerous fantastic friends through tennis. Many of our trips and great memories are tennis-related. Our children have all been involved in tennis…playing and coaching. I work at a local fitness club in the Tennis Center and have a great support system there.

Cancer is a word that you never, ever want to hear in relation to someone you love. Glioblastoma in particular is not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. It is a brutal disease….stealing away bits and pieces of its victim little by little, day by day. For 15 months cancer consumed our whole entire lives…and now our lives are irreparable changed because of it.