Keep on Blogging

Hi…it’s me. Not sure you remember me….but that’s okay because I don’t remember me either. I don’t exist anymore…at least not the way I did before…not sure who I am now. I have an Emily Dickinson quote on my laptop “and I am out with lanterns, looking for myself”….and that is exactly where I’m at.

So…I haven’t written in awhile….I could give you a few reasons for that…but really it all boils down to a huge struggle with my mental health. I have been in a very dark place…scary thoughts circling in my mind…going to bed and thinking it would be just fine if I didn’t wake up in the morning. Am I okay now? No. But I finally did find a good therapist who is worth the insane amount of money I pay her to convince me I’m not a piece of worthless shit and my life has value.

So…why write now. Well…basically…a really good friend made me realize how much I missed it…and how much blogging helped me sort out my thoughts. And I also 100% believe that our society has a very fucked-up viewpoint of grief. And if my blog somehow helps shed some light on what life is really like for a grieving person….well, that would be awesome. Because it’s a very, very lonely place to be.

I do have to say here that I don’t want any of my friends or family to feel obligated to read my blog. It’s your choice. You can just not…and that’s fine with me. I don’t need any explanation.

So here are 10 things I know about me…if you need help deciding whether you want to read my blog.

1. I swear…a lot. I put that first just because I know “bad” words are coming up in this list and I want you to be prepared…lol
2. My kids are my world. They are not perfect, but they are fantastic. Yes, they all live with me. Yes, I pay for everything. No, Seth is not going to college. Yes, Anna is still working for Dick’s Sporting Goods and is not looking for any other job right now even though she has a degree in Biology. If you feel like you need to judge any part of that…well you can fuck off.
3. Nature…especially water…centers me. My therapist convinced me to lace up my hiking boots again. The dogs are happy that we’re back to daily walks around lakes and tromps in the woods looking for waterfalls. Anna, Levi, and I are starting to plan a trip to Glacier National Park for next August and I am having a whole mix of feelings about it.
4. I adore my Bronco. I bought her a year ago and have had zero regrets. Driving with the top down and my music blasting on a nice sunny day is magical to me. I don’t even need a destination…although I usually end up by the river. She helped me put a little badass and some fun back into my life.
5. Overalls are the perfect pants. One of my friends who has sported them for years turned me on to them and now they are really all I wear.
6. Doc Martens and Hey Dudes are the best footwear. I don’t remember how or why I got my first pair of Doc’s….but now I’m obsessed… I find them too hot for summer though…so hello Hey Dudes. My feet are hard to make happy…but those two brands are fantabulous.
7. Music and poetry are essential in my life….whatever mood I’m in.
8. My self-esteem and feeling of self-worth are absolute shit. Jason loved me without reservation. Yes, there were things about me that irritated him…but he took those things as part of me…and loved the whole me. As I did him. Now, with him being gone…and feeling overwhelmed with grief…relationships are tricky. Most of the time I am convinced that when people are with me it is out of a sense of pity or obligation…because I am kind of a lot…I’m sad and not that fun. One of my friends has had to straight up look me in the eye and say “Marie, I like hanging out with you” multiple times…and I am just now maybe starting to believe her.
9. I have huge trust issues because I’ve had my feelings disregarded or completely trampled on…intentionally and unintentionally…so many times over the past few years. There are maybe a handful of people that I allow past the “I’m fine” mask just out of pure self-preservation. Sometimes people fucking suck.
10. Tattoos. I love them and am thinking about a third.

So…there you have it…read…or don’t…