Wednesdays are my counting day. Today makes 12. I want to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed…have to go to work. Another day. Seven more before 13.
When Jason was on hospice the last few days of his life my neighbors gathered in our driveway…to support us and say their “goodbyes” to Jason. They gave me a windchime. I love it so much. I can hear it from anywhere in the house. It reminds me of Jason and also that I have “people”. Today it’s going like crazy. Love that.
“When you can’t look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark” —Mad Hatter
One of my favorite quotes from “Alice in Wonderland” and describes pretty perfectly where I’m at right now. Frankly, I am exhausted…physically, emotional, spiritually, socially…all the ways a person can be tired…I am.
The vast majority of the time I am with people I’m pasting on my smile…forcing my laugh…pretending I’m doing okay. The proverbial “fake it til you make it”. I’m not making it.
When I’m alone, by myself and I can let my fake smile drop it is such a relief. I still have a hard time completely feeling my feelings…my person who could put me back together after I fall apart is no longer here. I feel like if I let myself go to pieces I will not be able to stop.
So I will be thankful for the few people in my life that are not made uncomfortable by my grief. That aren’t constantly trying to cheer me up. Who will just sit with me in my sadness…in my darkness…give me a shoulder to cry on…a hug…and know that happiness is not for me right now…maybe someday…but not today.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 