love – Love, Tennis, and Cancer

Treehouse Getaway

Posted on February 19, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

I’ve been trying to pay more attention to the Universe lately. Synchronicities. Those times when the same things…same ideas…same people keep coming up over and over again. In November and December especially I was struggling being around people. Cancelling plans with friends. Just wanting to be left alone really. Even texts from friends or family “just checking in” were annoying to me. Like I wanted them to be concerned on the one hand…but then on the other I didn’t want to talk to them. Mostly, because I didn’t know what to talk about…what to say…how to describe what was wrong…other than “Jason’s not here”. And really isn’t that enough?? But then if I didn’t respond I would feel guilty…like I was hurting their feelings. So…the solution…mask UP…pretend all is well. So…big clue from the Universe number ONE.

Clue from the Universe number TWO came from my kids. As the years without Jason go on and our kids get older I have been letting them see more and more the struggle around the Holidays. How hard it is for me to “do the right thing”. In 2024, I didn’t even put a tree up. In 2025, I woke up on Thanksgiving and decided that maybe a tree would be okay. The boys were at a tennis drill that morning so it was just Anna and I. I mentioned getting the tree out and 15 minutes later she had all things Christmas dragged up from the basement. I put some things up. Some things I said “no” to. She put the tree up and got the lights on. And suddenly I was overwhelmed. I told her how I was feeling as she was opening up the box of ornaments and without question she took it back downstairs. And I realized that these years when I have been wanting to do what they expect…wanting to make the Holidays special…they have been more worried about me than anything else. We exchanged minimal gifts on Christmas Day…but one of the things that they gave me was “Travel Money”….and I burst into tears.

Around the New Year I was scrolling on Facebook and happened to see a post from a MN travel blogger that I don’t even follow…and haven’t seen anything from since…about a treehouse in Pepin, WI. Do you know what has always fascinated me? Treehouses. I mean I love trees. What could be better than actually having a house in one? I found the treehouse on AirBNB and they happened to have a random couple nights in February open. Guess what? Clue from the Universe number THREE.

So yesterday afternoon I battled some kinda crappy weather to check into my treehouse, for my much-needed solo adventure. And if I needed a clue from the Universe number FOUR that I am in the right spot…it’s the train tracks. Yeah…yeah…weird right? Most people don’t want to vacation right by train tracks…except…I do. In August, 2020 Jason and I celebrated what we were hoping wouldn’t be our last anniversary. 20 years…no small accomplishment…but also so much less than what we thought we would get together. We rented a teeny tiny cabin in Alexandria and had a fantastic time. When I think back to the last time that I can point at and remember US…just being “Ree and Jas”…it is our time in that cabin. Right by train tracks….very active train tracks…that would shake the whole cabin multiple times during the day and night. After he died in August, 2021 the place that I longed to go back to was that cabin…and I did….by myself. It’s where I was finally by myself and able to fall completely apart. So yesterday, when I got here and heard the train, and felt the slight shaking of the treehouse, all I thought was “Hi Love. I miss you”.

And man it’s hard being here by myself. It would be the perfect spot for a romantic couple’s getaway. https://www.pepinforesttreehouse.com/ …you’re welcome. I can totally imagine Jason and I in this space…and how different it would be. But then I also have to remind myself that just because it’s different now, doesn’t mean it’s bad. I love having time by myself to just be myself…find myself…figure out who I am as a person without the responsibilities of every day life on my shoulders. I have spent my day today reading, writing, playing guitar. I enjoyed the hot tub a few times. I have spent time just gazing out the window…watching the birds in the trees…and thinking.

And what I have been thinking about the most is “regret” and “guilt”. I don’t know that I have come to any profound conclusion about either of those things…other than both of them suck ass. Guilt is an emotion that comes so easily to me. It makes me sacrifice myself again and again and again for things that are not my fault and I really have no business owning. My therapist calls me on it ALL the time…sometimes multiple times a week. “That’s not yours to hold”…she says over and over. And even when I try to believe her…something in me still doesn’t. And regret…well, regret just hurts because a lot of what I regret is unfixable…unchangeable…un-do-over-againable. And I guess the answer to regret is grace…but let’s face it…grace has never been my strong suit…even with myself. I have overwhelming compassion for people until they hurt me…and then well…they’re out. Grace was all Jason. I try to play a WWJD (What Would Jason Do) scenario in my head, but honestly, in some instances I think even Jason would say “F them”. But how do I move forward from that?

But other than some “heavy” thoughts, my time here in the treehouse has been so peaceful….and exactly what I needed.

Valentine’s Day 2026

Posted on February 14, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

Valentine’s Day…love is in the air…especially here in MN where the weather is surprisingly “spring-like”. I am reminded of the scene at the beginning of Bambi where all the animals are “twitter-patted”. Side-note: that’s the first movie I remember seeing in the theater. One of my aunts took me and I loved it right up until the point when Bambi’s Mom is killed and then I started crying and climbed in her lap. Anyway…Valentine’s Day.

On Thursday morning, I met one of my friends for coffee before work. I love that we are both morning people and can do that every once in awhile. It’s such a good start to my day…actual human conversation. Usually I have just the dogs to talk to…or Anna…and neither one of them talk back…at least not in the mornings…lol. My friend is a chaplain and divides her week between three nursing/assisted living/memory care homes. Last week she was asking the residents to “tell me something about love”. One of the gentlemen that she was talking to in the dining room told her that he never had any luck with that and eventually gave up. Then one day he had a stroke and ended up moving in to the home where my friend works. He has been there for several years now. And then he said, “Now I know that love is always having somebody to eat a meal with”.

That simple truth resonates so strongly with me. The days when I know one of my kids will be home to eat dinner with me definitely feel better than the ones where I know I will be sitting at the table by myself. I know that we will actually have a “real meal” on those days, as opposed to when I am by myself I am often tempted to just make a frozen pizza…or like last night…chips, salsa, and a beer. I also know I will have somebody there to talk with. It’s usually the time when my kids, especially Seth, will open up about things to me. Levi shows his love by cooking those he cares about good food. Tomorrow he is having a group of his college friends over…maybe 10 of them…to make homemade gyros. Meal times…and who we choose to share them with…say a lot.

Today I don’t know what my plans are. Anna is home today, so I’m sure that we will do something together. A walk. The zoo. A plant shop. All possibilities. What I do know, is that tonight I won’t be eating dinner alone…so it already looks like a good day!

Recently, I’ve had a couple people ask me if I still write poetry. The answer is always “yes”…even if it’s just in my head….but here’s the latest that made it to paper.

Full Moon

Lie in bed
Stare across the empty
Expanse
Where you used to lay

Gaze drawn
Out the window
Full moon
Cyclops eye unblinking

Fingers reach
Grasp on to nothing
Cars keep passing
World goes on

I’m Back?!

Posted on February 13, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

I haven’t posted since October 8th…Jason’s birthday. The reason why I stopped is…well…complicated. This past Fall/Winter/Holiday season was mentally and emotionally tumultuous (fun…using that word…I like it). I had a perfect storm of things going on: Levi at school, a new job, navigating newer friendships, struggling with old pain-filled relationships, the Holidays, not feeling well, etc. I was trying to stay upright under a load that felt way too heavy for my shoulders, living up in my head a lot, not sleeping, haunted by feelings of guilt, feeling like I was failing my kids and my husband and myself, wondering how I was going to keep on going like this for the rest of my life. I was not in a good place, so I got quiet.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some good times thrown in there. In October, a friend and I joined a Learn to Curl league. That was super fun. You may be watching curling in the Olympics right now…it is challenging and, dare I say, kinda badass! In November, I went on a cabin trip with a friend. One of the highlights of that trip was seeing an owl on our walk back to the cabin from the bathrooms. It just sat on a branch and let us admire it. So cool! In December, I spent a night with some of Jason’s sisters. We VRBO’d a place in Hudson, WI thinking we would spend the evening exploring Downtown. The weather didn’t cooperate with that plan so we ended up staying in. It was the absolute BEST. Laughter, tears, and a fair amount of blackberry Jack Daniels. In January, the kids and I went to an escape room and out to dinner. We also spent many, many hours around the Holidays together….watching movies, playing games, laughing, sometimes crying—at least I did.

But I could feel myself….sinking, sinking, sinking. I started cancelling plans with friends because I couldn’t bear the thought of dragging myself out of the house and pretending I was fine…or attempting to even talk about what was happening with me. My writing dried up for awhile. I felt like I had nothing to say of value. That people were probably sick of listening to me whine. I felt like I was becoming so careful in my words on my blog because I didn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, that my voice had become muted. My writing wasn’t helping me process anymore, it had just become another place where I wasn’t good enough. The dark and cold of winter kept me in my house and out of the healing arms of Nature. I was spending a lot of time scrolling, scrolling, scrolling on my phone and soon I was adding the fear and pain of ICE-terrorized Minneapolis on my shoulders.

I felt like I was living my life in…what I call…”the spins”…where I can’t get my brain to shut off and it obsesses over the same things over and over again…spinning them around and around and around and around…looking at them from different angles…trying to fix them through various scenarios. My brain filling in the missing pieces of the situation…like what other people are thinking or feeling…until the story in my head is complete…but probably not completely accurate. And then I become “untethered” and lose my grip on reality because I’m living like the story is true…completely ignoring the fact that parts of it are completely made up by my brain. This is not a new thing for me, I just used to have a live-in reality check.

And here’s where I, once again, stress the importance of having a good therapist. My hours with her were spent unraveling “the spins”…verbalizing hurt that goes back years in many cases…examining motivations behind things I keep on doing that are detrimental to my mental and emotional health. She kept asking “why” and I kept saying…because my kids…because Jason would want…because it feels selfish not to…because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings… And finally, she looked at me and said, “If you are doing things that cause you pain and don’t fill your cup in some way, you need to give yourself permission to stop doing them. That is called self-care, not being selfish”.

We also talked a lot about my Mama Bear and how hard it is to have adult children. She makes choices that sacrifice her own well-being time and time again because she thinks what she is doing is for the good of her kids. She wants to growl and snap at anyone who she thinks might pose a danger to them. In her mind, they have gone through enough pain and loss in their lives and must be protected from further trauma. She failed at protecting them before, and she will not fail them again. All well and good when her children were, well, children…but now they are adults…and she is learning to stand by and pace while they make their own choices. This is especially hard when it concerns relationships with other people. When she’s standing at the door as they leave saying, “Have a good time!” while in her mind she is sharpening her claws.

And we talked a lot about Jason. When he was sick we spoke very little about what would happen after he was gone. People sometimes ask me if he “gave me permission” to find someone else. It was never even a topic of conversation. I think because the idea of someone else for either of us is just inconceivable. I still feel married–still wear my rings and don’t see a time when I would change my mind about that. We didn’t talk about finances at all. I had no idea if the kids and I would be okay or if we would be living in a van down by the river. I remember trying to bring it up with him a few times but he was unable to wrap his brain around that conversation, so I pushed that stress aside as much as I could. He also didn’t seem to be at all concerned about how the kids and I would survive without him. I remember breaking down about that on more than one occasion and his confidence that I could do it, with the help of our support system, was unflappable.

And then he died. I still have a husband, he just isn’t here. We’re not living in a van down by the river. The kids are doing awesome…and I’m, well, I’m not awesome, but as I told my sister the other day “my life doesn’t feel like total shit right now, so I guess that’s good”. I’ve been working on self-care a lot….turns out it involves way more than taking a bath and lighting a candle. I went to the doctor for the first time in 18 years. Found out that I will ugly cry at the littlest thing in the doctor’s office, so that was real fun. But I managed to get a clean bill of health and even had my first mammogram. My body didn’t know what to do with all that attention…lol. I started walking on my treadmill and eating healthier. I’ve been writing most mornings again. I needed something to fill my evenings, so I started playing guitar. Which I absolutely love. I’m so excited to be able to take my guitar with me wherever I go…guitar by the campfire is in my future for sure.

And I look at my life…and the lives of our kids…and sometimes it is hard not to feel guilt over the pieces of it that I know are not what Jason was confident they would be…but I also know that my happiness and the happiness of our children are always the most important things to him. And then I feel PROUD. And it feels weird to say that. I used to think that the past 4 years has changed me as a person so completely that I would wonder if I was even somebody Jason could love anymore. I’m starting to realize that the core he fell in love with has stayed the same…some aspects of ME are just more accentuated…or more muted. I think that what has changed drastically is my worldview and the ways I choose to interact with that world and the people in it. And I think that links to the self-care I was talking about earlier. My peace, my joy, my happiness, my sense of self-worth, my confidence, my purpose are all very, very hard-fought. I fight a battle daily for each one of those things…some days I’m more successful than others. And there’s nobody here to protect them…except for me.

And now I’m going to wrap up this obscenely long blog post that took me all week to write. Take care of yourselves!

Joy

Posted on September 21, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

Every week when I go to therapy my therapist gives me “homework” for the week. She started out by calling it an “intention for the week”. I hate the work “intention”. I’ve been hurt too many times by too many people who had “good intentions” and use them as an excuse for their behavior…or a pass for the hurt they have caused. Anyway…now we call it “homework”. I always liked school.

Most of the time my homework is some sort of task; however, last week my homework was a little bit different because my birthday was coming up. She just sent me off with “do things that bring you joy”. Sure. OK. Joy is a big, elusive feeling. On a good day sometimes the most I can say when I get in bed is “well, this day didn’t suck so bad”. And now this lady wants me to do “joy”.

So, I tried. I actually had a pretty good week. I downloaded a new app to help me learn how to play piano. Music is important to me and it’s something to do when it’s getting dark outside earlier and earlier. I spent some really good time with friends…hiking in the woods…poking around small town downtowns…going to breakfast…out to Happy Hour…just “being”. My kids surprised me with family time for my birthday. We went out to breakfast and then to an apple orchard. The apples were all high up in the trees, so the picking was a little challenging.

I felt lots of love on my birthday. My coworkers brought donuts in to work and made me a “Happy Birthday” sign. Family and friends texted…called…sent messages. It was a good day. But….Joy? Is it joy?

And then I decided to do something completely out of the norm for me. I went to a very, very small Church this morning because I knew my friend, Olivia was teaching. When I told her that I was planning on coming she was excited, but did warn me that it’s a Church of “misfits and crazies”. That maybe should’ve scared me away…but somehow it attracted me instead… Like maybe this is where the other broken people are.

My friend, LoAnn came with me. We were greeted at the door with “You must be Olivia’s friends” and urged to get a cup of coffee before sitting down. People were friendly and welcoming….coming up to us to say “good morning” and shake our hands without feeling judgy or pushy. There were a few songs and then Olivia got up to do her teaching. And…of course…I’m oversimplifying a bit…but she taught about finding JOY in the present moment. Again with the “joy”.

And all day I have been thinking about that. How do I find joy in the present? My past was filled with joy. I keep thinking of things that maybe I want to do in my future…5+ years from now…that I think maybe will bring me joy. But in this present moment…joy?…nope. What I feel is stuck in a life that was not what I ever wanted. Of course, part of Olivia’s teaching was about trusting in God. Well, I have some trust issues along with my joy issues.

I guess the most I can say is “I’m working on it”

Oregon

Posted on September 13, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

Over Labor Day weekend I took a trip to visit my brother and his family out in Oregon. It was my first time visiting since they moved out there 4 years ago…my first time to Oregon…my first experience of the Pacific Ocean. Definitely won’t be my last.

Oregon spoke to my soul with her towering trees hanging with moss….waterfalls plummeting down from unimaginable heights…rivers rushing by on their way down Mt. Hood…ocean waves crashing on the beach as I stood at the edge of the world looking out into the vastness. So many times all I could do was just pause and give witness to and respect for the beauty and sheer power I was surrounded by.

Making memories with my brother’s family was fantastic. I loved spending a few days with my nephews and niece and getting to know them better. Every time…which was often…I heard one of them say to my brother or SIL “I’m just asking….but when/what are we going to eat?” It just made me chuckle…as if they would ever be allowed to starve! I loved listening to Ben…who is a senior…tell me all the things about different places in Oregon and things he loves to do. He reminds me a lot of my Grandpa. Eli is more introverted…loves music…and some of the things that would come out of his mouth made me laugh so hard, just because they were unexpected. He has a smile that can light up a room…but he makes you work for it. Norah is the youngest and doesn’t let her brothers get away with anything. She is athletic and is really into Ultimate Frisbee…she has quite the throwing arm with that disc. I can’t wait to go back and spend more time with them.

And then, of course, there’s my brother and sister-in-law. I had such a hard time saying goodbye to them. Jason and I always loved spending them with them. When my brother was in college sometimes they would spend a weekend with us so Jason could help him with his programming homework. We visited them many times when they lived in Madison…or they would make the trek to the Twin Cities. One summer we vacationed together up at Rutgers. It was nice reminiscing with them about some of those memories…but also it felt right to make new ones with them.

Four Years

Posted on August 4, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

Four years. I gave my Mother-in-Law a hug today and she commented that it never gets easier and that this is the toughest one yet. I 100% agree. The whole past week has been awful for me. It’s like the calendar flips to August and I am not okay. My emotions have been raw…lots of not sleeping…crying in the shower…trying to breathe with the weight on my chest and the knot in my throat.

I had a solo camping trip planned for the weekend. I thought it would be a good time to get away by myself. Do the whole introvert thing…refill my cup…recharge my batteries. Saturday rolled around and being alone was the last thing I wanted. Levi got out of bed about 9:30 and I was still in my pajamas…laying in bed crying. We ended up road-tripping down to Northfield together. I tortured him with the bookstore and the yarn shop…but then I bought him gadgets at the kitchen store and bought him lunch. At lunch I thanked him for spending the day with me and admitted that I was spiraling. He knew…and honestly did just want his Dad would have done to snap me out of it.

Sunday the four of us went to the zoo together. It was one of my favorite days in the past four years. I love the dynamic the four of us have developed. At one point we were walking on the trail and they were a little bit ahead of me…joking around with each other…and all I could think was “Babe, just look at our babies. They are so perfect”. They also completely get me and the things that make me tick. We were walking on the trail that goes back in the wooded area of the zoo and stopped at a bench overlooking the lake. They commented that it would be a great spot for me to go to sit and write.

Today was rough. The kids had their own plans during the day…which was fine. I also wanted to spend some time by myself. I took the dogs for a walk this morning…then put the top down…and headed South. And stopped in Red Wing because it started raining on me. I ended up sitting in Caribou with a coffee and writing for a little bit before heading back home. I spent the afternoon crocheting and binge watching a show. Anna and Levi (Seth was working) and I met some of my in-laws for dinner.

We came home and Levi decided to reorganize my kitchen cupboards. As he was taking apart my kitchen, I was watching him and thinking about grief and different ways of expressing it. My kids are all very private about their grief. All three of them kind of just went about their days today as usual, but they show their grief by wanting to spend more time with each other. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and none of it was Forced Fregien Family Fun. We chose it and I love that. I think there is no better way to honor their Dad…and I love seeing all the pieces of him in our kids.

Write On…

Posted on July 3, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

Yesterday was a very big “ending” for me. In the story of my life, it marked the culmination of a chapter that only lasted 14 months, but was extremely impactful on my life. It was my last therapy session with Tara. We spent our time together talking about our chapter. Going back to May 3, 2024 when I first sat in her office. I don’t remember a lot of what I said, but I do remember how I felt. I was done. I was depressed and felt like I had no purpose in my life anymore. I struggled to relate to people and have any kind of relationship that felt real. I felt unseen…invisible…lonely all the time. I was tired of constantly wearing a mask to appear “normal” to society and not make other people uncomfortable by my grief. By that point, I had been struggling for years. It was a struggle that began when Jason was first diagnosed in May, 2020 and then became unbearable after he died in August, 2021. She was my last hope…and I told her that…at our first meeting.

And for 14 months she has listened to my story…witnessed my pain…shared in my joys…applauded my adventures…encouraged my writing. Her eyes never strayed from my face…she never tried to change the subject…she didn’t try to fix things for me. She occasionally gave advice when I directly asked for it…but mostly, mostly she just listened. And she not only listened, but THANKED me for telling my story…for being vulnerable…for sharing my whole truth. That was…and still kinda is…crazy to me!!

That chapter is a really hard one for me to turn the page on, but I am so thankful that I am the person that I am now for the start of this new one…and whatever adventures it may bring. I was hoping to start it with another camping adventure…but stupid decisions on Tuesday led to me being laid up with huge blisters on my heels. Lucky for me I have an awesome son who doctored me up last night when it looked like infection was setting in….so they are feeling pretty good…but not “let’s put shoes on” good.

So instead I’m going to embrace a weekend at home. Spend some good time in my gazebo. Do some writing. Read some books. See some family…maybe an impromptu get together with friends. And that feels just perfect.

Tara wrote me this note yesterday. It now lives on my desk. So many words of hers will forever live with me…but I really love these…

Beginnings…and Endings

Posted on June 19, 2025 by mfregien6c146e4539

I love to start my mornings out in my gazebo. Today is perfect for it. It’s Juneteenth so I’m off of work. The sky is clear. There’s no wind. It’s still cool enough that I popped on my fire table. The sound of water trickling in my fountain and the birds singing drown out a bit of the urban noise. The lilac tree that shelters my gazebo is blossoming. The dogs are laying peacefully by me without chasing squirrels or bunnies all crazy. If only I could train them to run in the house and refill my coffee cup for me.

My emotions and thoughts feel deep today. I’ve been thinking a lot about beginnings and endings. How life is full of them. Hell, every day has a beginning and ending. Some beginnings are the start of something we never want to end, and the end is painful and full of grief. Sometimes we can’t wait for the end, and celebrate its arrival. Sometimes we can’t wait for something to begin and can barely stand the anticipation and its arrival is marked with celebration. Sometimes beginnings feel uncertain and are marked with anxiety and trepidation. Most beginnings and endings aren’t that dramatic…they just ebb and flow with the passing of time…unmarked…unnoticed really.

Yesterday I had my third to the last visit with my therapist. Only two more weeks with her. We talked a lot about the ending of that relationship and how I feel about it. She is the one person on this earth who I can say completely knows and sees me…that I 100% trust. The only other person that I could say that about is Jason…and he died. So, it’s hard for me to keep the loss of my relationship with Tara (my paid therapist) in perspective. It feels like so much more than the loss of a business relationship.

I also am constantly reminding myself that last May, when I first walked into Tara’s office and sobbed on her couch, was also the start of a much more important relationship that will never end…my relationship with myself. She helped facilitate that…peel back a lot of layers…heal a lot of hurt…rebuild trust in myself. That was the real purpose of her time in my life.

So Monday I have a consult with a colleague of hers that she thinks will be a good fit. I’m trying really hard to be optimistic. To feel some excitement for this new beginning. But it’s hard. I told Tara yesterday that my fear is that I won’t be able to get over my weekly therapy sessions not being the same…I’ll lose my motivation for them…and I’ll just stop going. But maybe this will be a good beginning….sometimes we just don’t know.

Hearing “I Love You”

Posted on October 10, 2021 by mfregien6c146e4539

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. Usually I write or read until my eyes can’t stay open and then I’m out. Staying asleep is usually the hard part. Last night I just lay there thinking about how much I miss hearing Jason say “I love you”. For almost 21 years of marriage those were the last words I heard every night before I went to sleep…and the last 15 months when his memory was untrustworthy he would sometimes say it more than once. He would say “I love you” and then “I can’t remember if I said it or not yet”. I would just tell him he could tell me a million times and I wouldn’t mind.

Sometimes when he was having a rough day he would follow-up his “I love you” with “Thank you for taking care of me”. To which I would respond “You don’t have to thank me for that. You would do the same for me”.

When he was first diagnosed he would get really frustrated with himself when he couldn’t remember things…details about his doctor appointments and such. I told him not to worry about all that…the only thing you need to remember is that I love you and the kids love you. That’s it. And you know what? He never did forget that. He couldn’t keep track of anything else…day of the week…plans for the day…whether he had eaten or showered on a particular day…but love…that he remembered.

Those three words are powerful…don’t forget to use them.