fiction – Love, Tennis, and Cancer

August 4, 2026

Posted on August 4, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

Almost every week at therapy my therapist and I take a walk. Her office is a block away from a park that has a short, paved loop around a little pond and a playground. Many, many times this tree standing at the corner of the park would literally stop me in my tracks…one of those old, old burly trees…you could tell just by looking at it that it had seen some stuff. I commented a few times that we should bring a blanket and have therapy under the tree. Something about that tree.

Last week the tree stopped me in my tracks for a different reason. It was dead. Fallen over. Not ripped up by it’s roots…but it’s trunk had cracked through half-way up…and the whole top of the tree was lying on the ground. Branches cracked…splintered…scattered… Leaves turning brown. Orange cones placed around the grisly scene in warning.

I stopped mid-sentence and exclaimed, “No! What happened to my tree??!!” And my therapist and I walked a little closer and really took in the tree. How massive it was. The fact that the trunk was almost completely hollow. It had definitely housed some families in its time. And all I could say was “Wow. What an amazing tree”. I’m going to really miss seeing that tree every week on our walks.

As we continued on our walk my therapist said, “You know Marie. That was a good example of one of the amazing things about you. You don’t shy away and you’re not afraid to take a pause”. Why is it that all of the things my therapist says are amazing are the things about me “society” doesn’t understand? We’re never taught to take a pause…to feel our feelings…at least I never was. We’re taught to keep moving…keep busy…don’t dwell…put a smile on your face…”give” all your problems to God and don’t worry about a damn thing…medicate…fake it til you make it.

July 31, 2021 is the day Jason started actively dying. The day I heard from the hospice nurse that he only had days left. As wife…mother…caretaker…there was no pausing for me then. After he passed away on August 4…no pausing for me then. For almost three years after he passed away I tried to “do” society’s way of dealing with feelings…and that just dug me into a deep hole of depression. I was using alcohol to medicate and making really stupid decisions. Inside I was one big ball of red hot pain with no outlet. My first thought every morning was “why the fuck am I still here”…and while I had no plan in place to take myself out…it was scary to feel that I very well could in the not-so-distant future. And I was told I was doing great…I was so strong.

It was through many, many sessions on my therapist’s couch…or walking around that park trail that I learned that nobody was going to give me the “pause”…I had to take it for myself. So I do. I spend meaningful time by myself…on trips…camping…hiking..in my gazebo…early in the morning. During times of the year that feel emotionally overwhelming…I take time for a long pause. I don’t try to push my feelings under a rug and have a normal day. I take time off work. I set myself up with nature…leave time for my kids…take a break….take a breath…and let myself “be”.

Today marks 5 years since Jason died…but he’s always alive in my heart…and in our three kids I have the honor of watching grow up. They truly are his legacy in all ways….look at those little troublemakers…hard to believe they are now all adults. The way that they care for each other and for me is truly beautiful.

I haven’t shared poetry in awhile…but last night was a rough sleeping night. Here’s the product of my insomnia. I can’t remember what this form is called…basically a huge run-on sentence. The perfect form for 2am sleeplessness…


The One

The One had hazel eyes that met her brown thirty years ago living in the dorm on top of the hill trudging down to go to computer science classes for him English classes for her opposites attracting like magnets until the two became one four years later walking down the aisle making promises of infinite years together and soon they had a little one made from the two a daddy’s girl followed by another one a boy with his mama’s eyes and another one boy two perfect mix of the One and her as they became five and the One continued to look at her with love in his eyes making excuses to brush up against her in the kitchen and he played with the three in the yard teaching them to hit the ball with the racquet sharing the sport that he loved and then one night the headaches started and one day the One and her sat in chairs clasped hands between them and heard the two terrible words terminal cancer and infinity was shattered fifteen months later as she held the One’s hand and counted his breaths rattling in and out of his chest until they stopped and she was left with no One.

Summer Adventures

Posted on June 15, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

I haven’t written in a little bit…where to start? Let’s start with the fun stuff. I’ve been pretty busy adventuring the past month or so. Anna and I took a trip to Portland, Oregon over Memorial Day weekend to visit my brother and his family. The trip was spectacular. Highlights include: 8 mile hike at Silver Falls State Park that took us to 10 waterfalls-3 of which we could walk behind, Powell’s Books, Kate’s Ice Cream, Rose Garden, Rhododendron Garden, Hoyt Arboretum Redwood Trail, Cannon Beach, Astoria, and a handful of breweries-my favorite is still Steeplechase. The best part is always getting to spend time with family. Getting to know my nephews and niece as the young men and woman they are becoming is so great. I love interacting with that age group…when they’re really starting to figure themselves out. Bonus that they live in Oregon which I’m falling in love with more and more. I’m already trying to figure out when I can sneak back out there.

I’m trying to fit camping in where I can this summer. My weekends are already filling up, but I did manage one night so far. I went South this time down to Sakatah Lake State Park near Faribault, MN. I bought a new mattress for the back of my Bronco and had my best nights sleep in quite awhile. I’m really starting to get the solo camping thing figured out. The next thing I need to find is some sort of canopy…maybe that I can rig kind of off the side of my Bronco. Without that I get stuck inside my Bronco if it starts to rain. I haven’t found the perfect thing yet though.

Last week I started taking guitar lessons at MacPhail. I had been trying to teach myself using an app and had kind of hit a plateau where I knew I just needed a human to help me out and give me some feedback. I got frustrated and just gave up…but knew it was something I still wanted to learn so I started looking for in-person lessons. I am so excited to finally be starting them. I love my instructor. I told him that I wanted to start from the very basics and I’m really glad that I did because in the first lesson I already realized some things technique-wise that I was doing wrong that will really make a difference.

This past weekend I was in Alexandria, MN with a friend of mine. We were hoping to get some kayaking/paddleboarding in, but the weather did not cooperate with us…cooler temps and very windy. We still had a really good time. We went to the Farmer’s Market Saturday morning and then checked out downtown Alexandria a little bit. We found a brewery to have lunch at. It had a great vibe and good food and beer…winning combination. In the afternoon we did a puzzle, went for a walk, and did some reading. I also managed to sit outside each morning and drink my coffee and do some writing. Best way to start the day.

Now the not so fun stuff. This week I make a therapist transition. Two years ago when I first started therapy I immediately clicked with my therapist Tara. I saw her for about a year before she left…moved to Montana. I was devastated. That was extremely hard for me, but I ended up also really liking my new therapist, Leah. Now Leah is leaving, but Tara is back from Montana…so I’m going to start seeing Tara again. I am warming up to the idea, but it was a really hard choice for me to make. In my head I know that she moved to Montana because it was the right thing for her, but in my heart she abandoned me. I think maybe the first part of the session will feel just a little awkward…and then it will be just like “old times”. Honestly, she knows me well enough that she will probably know all my reservations and feelings and we’ll talk through them.

I was joking with somebody that going back to Tara will be easier than starting over with somebody new because she already knows all the characters…all the stories…all the problems. And then as I was thinking about that it was like “Ugh…nothing has changed. All the same problems”. In the year that I saw Tara we worked a lot on my relationship with myself. She was super supportive of my writing and I would read quite a bit of what I wrote to her. There was a lot of figuring out who I am as a person. When she left and I started seeing Leah my focus and goals shifted more outward to relationships with other people and my place in the world…and I think that is the part that has been frustrating and painful…where I look back on this past year and feel failure.

So I think it’s time to start looking more inward. And I know that there is nobody better to do that with than Tara.

Door County Adventuring

Posted on April 24, 2026 by mfregien6c146e4539

I’m on a solo adventure…spending a long weekend in Door County, WI. Why Door County you may ask? Well…honestly, I’m not sure! A few weeks ago I knew I needed to get something on my calendar…I opened the AirBNB app and somehow ended up booking a place in Door County. I think it was a combination of wanting to go somewhere different…and also feeling like I wanted to stretch myself by going further away from home. When I found a great deal on a cute little studio apartment above a retail shop on Main Street of Fish Creek it sealed the decision.

I remember a trip to Door County when I was a kid…maybe 5th or 6th grade. We camped at Peninsula State Park, picked cherries (a whole cooler-full), and visited my great-grandparents in Seymour on the way home. I think that was when I realized that I actually love cherries…just not anything cherry-flavored…or maraschino cherries. Yuck! I really don’t remember much else.

I am here at the perfect time of year for me…off-season. Sure…some things aren’t open…but I don’t care! I love the solitude. I love being able to walk on a beach and not see another soul.

I love walking a trail and feeling perfect communion with the world around me. I can stop…close my eyes…breathe…and nobody looks at me funny.

The past couple weeks have been…complicated…for me. I’ve given myself closure in areas that have been painful and confusing for years. I think I finally realized that closure isn’t something one gets from someone else…it’s a gift one gives themselves. It’s realizing that some things will never make sense and will probably always hurt, but are done.

And then about the same time, I was blindsided by my therapist telling me that she is leaving. And in my head all I hear is “leaving me”. And it’s another loss. Another person abandoning me. Another person that I trust turning away. Another person to grieve. And that’s a path that never gets easier for me to travel. And even though I know that our relationship is “professional”. I am her job. And I know she is leaving because it’s the best thing for her family right now. I KNOW that. But damn does it feel personal. It brings up all the same old crap in my head: Why am I not enough? Why does everyone leave? What’s wrong with me?

So…in the back of my head…I’m always thinking “What am I going to do now?” I don’t feel “done” with therapy. When I think of not having a therapist to talk to every week it puts me in a bit of a panic state. So I guess starting over with a new therapist is my only option…and that also makes me want to puke…so that’s great!

But…for the next few days I’m on an adventure! Yesterday when I got here I explored Fish Creek a little bit. Stopped in at the Fish Creek Market and bought some local beer…then headed to the bookstore that is conveniently located right across the street from where I’m staying and bought a local mystery…and spent a very enjoyable evening reading on my deck. I already finished the book and will be going back tomorrow for the second in the series…and yes…I know that’s a MN beer, but I hadn’t had it before…and I did also have some others that were local…not pictured 🙂

Today, I went to Cave Point County Park…where the pictures above were taken. If you are ever in the area, I highly recommend. Gorgeous views of Lake Michigan…and she was a pretty angry lake today…lots of big waves. I also checked out a delightful Brewery/Bakery…yes, interesting combination…called Sway in Bailey’s Harbor. I highly recommend that as well. I was there before they were serving their lunch menu and they didn’t even blink when I ordered a pilsner with my breakfast burrito…lol.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings!