fiction – Love, Tennis, and Cancer

I haven’t written in a little bit…where to start? Let’s start with the fun stuff. I’ve been pretty busy adventuring the past month or so. Anna and I took a trip to Portland, Oregon over Memorial Day weekend to visit my brother and his family. The trip was spectacular. Highlights include: 8 mile hike at Silver Falls State Park that took us to 10 waterfalls-3 of which we could walk behind, Powell’s Books, Kate’s Ice Cream, Rose Garden, Rhododendron Garden, Hoyt Arboretum Redwood Trail, Cannon Beach, Astoria, and a handful of breweries-my favorite is still Steeplechase. The best part is always getting to spend time with family. Getting to know my nephews and niece as the young men and woman they are becoming is so great. I love interacting with that age group…when they’re really starting to figure themselves out. Bonus that they live in Oregon which I’m falling in love with more and more. I’m already trying to figure out when I can sneak back out there.

I’m trying to fit camping in where I can this summer. My weekends are already filling up, but I did manage one night so far. I went South this time down to Sakatah Lake State Park near Faribault, MN. I bought a new mattress for the back of my Bronco and had my best nights sleep in quite awhile. I’m really starting to get the solo camping thing figured out. The next thing I need to find is some sort of canopy…maybe that I can rig kind of off the side of my Bronco. Without that I get stuck inside my Bronco if it starts to rain. I haven’t found the perfect thing yet though.

Last week I started taking guitar lessons at MacPhail. I had been trying to teach myself using an app and had kind of hit a plateau where I knew I just needed a human to help me out and give me some feedback. I got frustrated and just gave up…but knew it was something I still wanted to learn so I started looking for in-person lessons. I am so excited to finally be starting them. I love my instructor. I told him that I wanted to start from the very basics and I’m really glad that I did because in the first lesson I already realized some things technique-wise that I was doing wrong that will really make a difference.

This past weekend I was in Alexandria, MN with a friend of mine. We were hoping to get some kayaking/paddleboarding in, but the weather did not cooperate with us…cooler temps and very windy. We still had a really good time. We went to the Farmer’s Market Saturday morning and then checked out downtown Alexandria a little bit. We found a brewery to have lunch at. It had a great vibe and good food and beer…winning combination. In the afternoon we did a puzzle, went for a walk, and did some reading. I also managed to sit outside each morning and drink my coffee and do some writing. Best way to start the day.

Now the not so fun stuff. This week I make a therapist transition. Two years ago when I first started therapy I immediately clicked with my therapist Tara. I saw her for about a year before she left…moved to Montana. I was devastated. That was extremely hard for me, but I ended up also really liking my new therapist, Leah. Now Leah is leaving, but Tara is back from Montana…so I’m going to start seeing Tara again. I am warming up to the idea, but it was a really hard choice for me to make. In my head I know that she moved to Montana because it was the right thing for her, but in my heart she abandoned me. I think maybe the first part of the session will feel just a little awkward…and then it will be just like “old times”. Honestly, she knows me well enough that she will probably know all my reservations and feelings and we’ll talk through them.

I was joking with somebody that going back to Tara will be easier than starting over with somebody new because she already knows all the characters…all the stories…all the problems. And then as I was thinking about that it was like “Ugh…nothing has changed. All the same problems”. In the year that I saw Tara we worked a lot on my relationship with myself. She was super supportive of my writing and I would read quite a bit of what I wrote to her. There was a lot of figuring out who I am as a person. When she left and I started seeing Leah my focus and goals shifted more outward to relationships with other people and my place in the world…and I think that is the part that has been frustrating and painful…where I look back on this past year and feel failure.

So I think it’s time to start looking more inward. And I know that there is nobody better to do that with than Tara.

I’m on a solo adventure…spending a long weekend in Door County, WI. Why Door County you may ask? Well…honestly, I’m not sure! A few weeks ago I knew I needed to get something on my calendar…I opened the AirBNB app and somehow ended up booking a place in Door County. I think it was a combination of wanting to go somewhere different…and also feeling like I wanted to stretch myself by going further away from home. When I found a great deal on a cute little studio apartment above a retail shop on Main Street of Fish Creek it sealed the decision.

I remember a trip to Door County when I was a kid…maybe 5th or 6th grade. We camped at Peninsula State Park, picked cherries (a whole cooler-full), and visited my great-grandparents in Seymour on the way home. I think that was when I realized that I actually love cherries…just not anything cherry-flavored…or maraschino cherries. Yuck! I really don’t remember much else.

I am here at the perfect time of year for me…off-season. Sure…some things aren’t open…but I don’t care! I love the solitude. I love being able to walk on a beach and not see another soul.

I love walking a trail and feeling perfect communion with the world around me. I can stop…close my eyes…breathe…and nobody looks at me funny.

The past couple weeks have been…complicated…for me. I’ve given myself closure in areas that have been painful and confusing for years. I think I finally realized that closure isn’t something one gets from someone else…it’s a gift one gives themselves. It’s realizing that some things will never make sense and will probably always hurt, but are done.

And then about the same time, I was blindsided by my therapist telling me that she is leaving. And in my head all I hear is “leaving me”. And it’s another loss. Another person abandoning me. Another person that I trust turning away. Another person to grieve. And that’s a path that never gets easier for me to travel. And even though I know that our relationship is “professional”. I am her job. And I know she is leaving because it’s the best thing for her family right now. I KNOW that. But damn does it feel personal. It brings up all the same old crap in my head: Why am I not enough? Why does everyone leave? What’s wrong with me?

So…in the back of my head…I’m always thinking “What am I going to do now?” I don’t feel “done” with therapy. When I think of not having a therapist to talk to every week it puts me in a bit of a panic state. So I guess starting over with a new therapist is my only option…and that also makes me want to puke…so that’s great!

But…for the next few days I’m on an adventure! Yesterday when I got here I explored Fish Creek a little bit. Stopped in at the Fish Creek Market and bought some local beer…then headed to the bookstore that is conveniently located right across the street from where I’m staying and bought a local mystery…and spent a very enjoyable evening reading on my deck. I already finished the book and will be going back tomorrow for the second in the series…and yes…I know that’s a MN beer, but I hadn’t had it before…and I did also have some others that were local…not pictured 🙂

Today, I went to Cave Point County Park…where the pictures above were taken. If you are ever in the area, I highly recommend. Gorgeous views of Lake Michigan…and she was a pretty angry lake today…lots of big waves. I also checked out a delightful Brewery/Bakery…yes, interesting combination…called Sway in Bailey’s Harbor. I highly recommend that as well. I was there before they were serving their lunch menu and they didn’t even blink when I ordered a pilsner with my breakfast burrito…lol.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings!

Tag: fiction

Summer Adventures

Door County Adventuring