Tag: family

Joy

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Every week when I go to therapy my therapist gives me “homework” for the week. She started out by calling it an “intention for the week”. I hate the work “intention”. I’ve been hurt too many times by too many people who had “good intentions” and use them as an excuse for their behavior…or a pass for the hurt they have caused. Anyway…now we call it “homework”. I always liked school.

Most of the time my homework is some sort of task; however, last week my homework was a little bit different because my birthday was coming up. She just sent me off with “do things that bring you joy”. Sure. OK. Joy is a big, elusive feeling. On a good day sometimes the most I can say when I get in bed is “well, this day didn’t suck so bad”. And now this lady wants me to do “joy”.

So, I tried. I actually had a pretty good week. I downloaded a new app to help me learn how to play piano. Music is important to me and it’s something to do when it’s getting dark outside earlier and earlier. I spent some really good time with friends…hiking in the woods…poking around small town downtowns…going to breakfast…out to Happy Hour…just “being”. My kids surprised me with family time for my birthday. We went out to breakfast and then to an apple orchard. The apples were all high up in the trees, so the picking was a little challenging.

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I felt lots of love on my birthday. My coworkers brought donuts in to work and made me a “Happy Birthday” sign. Family and friends texted…called…sent messages. It was a good day. But….Joy? Is it joy?

And then I decided to do something completely out of the norm for me. I went to a very, very small Church this morning because I knew my friend, Olivia was teaching. When I told her that I was planning on coming she was excited, but did warn me that it’s a Church of “misfits and crazies”. That maybe should’ve scared me away…but somehow it attracted me instead… Like maybe this is where the other broken people are.

My friend, LoAnn came with me. We were greeted at the door with “You must be Olivia’s friends” and urged to get a cup of coffee before sitting down. People were friendly and welcoming….coming up to us to say “good morning” and shake our hands without feeling judgy or pushy. There were a few songs and then Olivia got up to do her teaching. And…of course…I’m oversimplifying a bit…but she taught about finding JOY in the present moment. Again with the “joy”.

And all day I have been thinking about that. How do I find joy in the present? My past was filled with joy. I keep thinking of things that maybe I want to do in my future…5+ years from now…that I think maybe will bring me joy. But in this present moment…joy?…nope. What I feel is stuck in a life that was not what I ever wanted. Of course, part of Olivia’s teaching was about trusting in God. Well, I have some trust issues along with my joy issues.

I guess the most I can say is “I’m working on it”

Oregon

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Over Labor Day weekend I took a trip to visit my brother and his family out in Oregon. It was my first time visiting since they moved out there 4 years ago…my first time to Oregon…my first experience of the Pacific Ocean. Definitely won’t be my last.

Oregon spoke to my soul with her towering trees hanging with moss….waterfalls plummeting down from unimaginable heights…rivers rushing by on their way down Mt. Hood…ocean waves crashing on the beach as I stood at the edge of the world looking out into the vastness. So many times all I could do was just pause and give witness to and respect for the beauty and sheer power I was surrounded by.

Making memories with my brother’s family was fantastic. I loved spending a few days with my nephews and niece and getting to know them better. Every time…which was often…I heard one of them say to my brother or SIL “I’m just asking….but when/what are we going to eat?” It just made me chuckle…as if they would ever be allowed to starve! I loved listening to Ben…who is a senior…tell me all the things about different places in Oregon and things he loves to do. He reminds me a lot of my Grandpa. Eli is more introverted…loves music…and some of the things that would come out of his mouth made me laugh so hard, just because they were unexpected. He has a smile that can light up a room…but he makes you work for it. Norah is the youngest and doesn’t let her brothers get away with anything. She is athletic and is really into Ultimate Frisbee…she has quite the throwing arm with that disc. I can’t wait to go back and spend more time with them.

And then, of course, there’s my brother and sister-in-law. I had such a hard time saying goodbye to them. Jason and I always loved spending them with them. When my brother was in college sometimes they would spend a weekend with us so Jason could help him with his programming homework. We visited them many times when they lived in Madison…or they would make the trek to the Twin Cities. One summer we vacationed together up at Rutgers. It was nice reminiscing with them about some of those memories…but also it felt right to make new ones with them.

Four Years

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Four years. I gave my Mother-in-Law a hug today and she commented that it never gets easier and that this is the toughest one yet. I 100% agree. The whole past week has been awful for me. It’s like the calendar flips to August and I am not okay. My emotions have been raw…lots of not sleeping…crying in the shower…trying to breathe with the weight on my chest and the knot in my throat.

I had a solo camping trip planned for the weekend. I thought it would be a good time to get away by myself. Do the whole introvert thing…refill my cup…recharge my batteries. Saturday rolled around and being alone was the last thing I wanted. Levi got out of bed about 9:30 and I was still in my pajamas…laying in bed crying. We ended up road-tripping down to Northfield together. I tortured him with the bookstore and the yarn shop…but then I bought him gadgets at the kitchen store and bought him lunch. At lunch I thanked him for spending the day with me and admitted that I was spiraling. He knew…and honestly did just want his Dad would have done to snap me out of it.

Sunday the four of us went to the zoo together. It was one of my favorite days in the past four years. I love the dynamic the four of us have developed. At one point we were walking on the trail and they were a little bit ahead of me…joking around with each other…and all I could think was “Babe, just look at our babies. They are so perfect”. They also completely get me and the things that make me tick. We were walking on the trail that goes back in the wooded area of the zoo and stopped at a bench overlooking the lake. They commented that it would be a great spot for me to go to sit and write.

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Today was rough. The kids had their own plans during the day…which was fine. I also wanted to spend some time by myself. I took the dogs for a walk this morning…then put the top down…and headed South. And stopped in Red Wing because it started raining on me. I ended up sitting in Caribou with a coffee and writing for a little bit before heading back home. I spent the afternoon crocheting and binge watching a show. Anna and Levi (Seth was working) and I met some of my in-laws for dinner.

We came home and Levi decided to reorganize my kitchen cupboards. As he was taking apart my kitchen, I was watching him and thinking about grief and different ways of expressing it. My kids are all very private about their grief. All three of them kind of just went about their days today as usual, but they show their grief by wanting to spend more time with each other. We spent a lot of time together this weekend and none of it was Forced Fregien Family Fun. We chose it and I love that. I think there is no better way to honor their Dad…and I love seeing all the pieces of him in our kids.

Write On…

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Yesterday was a very big “ending” for me. In the story of my life, it marked the culmination of a chapter that only lasted 14 months, but was extremely impactful on my life. It was my last therapy session with Tara. We spent our time together talking about our chapter. Going back to May 3, 2024 when I first sat in her office. I don’t remember a lot of what I said, but I do remember how I felt. I was done. I was depressed and felt like I had no purpose in my life anymore. I struggled to relate to people and have any kind of relationship that felt real. I felt unseen…invisible…lonely all the time. I was tired of constantly wearing a mask to appear “normal” to society and not make other people uncomfortable by my grief. By that point, I had been struggling for years. It was a struggle that began when Jason was first diagnosed in May, 2020 and then became unbearable after he died in August, 2021. She was my last hope…and I told her that…at our first meeting.

And for 14 months she has listened to my story…witnessed my pain…shared in my joys…applauded my adventures…encouraged my writing. Her eyes never strayed from my face…she never tried to change the subject…she didn’t try to fix things for me. She occasionally gave advice when I directly asked for it…but mostly, mostly she just listened. And she not only listened, but THANKED me for telling my story…for being vulnerable…for sharing my whole truth. That was…and still kinda is…crazy to me!!

That chapter is a really hard one for me to turn the page on, but I am so thankful that I am the person that I am now for the start of this new one…and whatever adventures it may bring. I was hoping to start it with another camping adventure…but stupid decisions on Tuesday led to me being laid up with huge blisters on my heels. Lucky for me I have an awesome son who doctored me up last night when it looked like infection was setting in….so they are feeling pretty good…but not “let’s put shoes on” good.

So instead I’m going to embrace a weekend at home. Spend some good time in my gazebo. Do some writing. Read some books. See some family…maybe an impromptu get together with friends. And that feels just perfect.

Tara wrote me this note yesterday. It now lives on my desk. So many words of hers will forever live with me…but I really love these…

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Merry Christmas

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

Today we made the best of our first Christmas without Jason. This morning was very rough on me when I was alone in a quiet house…the kids still sleeping. Usually Jason and I would have enjoyed the lazy morning together before working together to get brunch made. Today it was just me and my memories and my tears.

Once the kids got up and Jeremy and Cheryl came over for brunch I had worked through some of my tears and sadness. We enjoyed brunch together…opened gifts…played some games. Traditionally, this is how we usually spend Christmas. We usually just relax…do whatever we feel like doing…just enjoy time together as a family.

This year we decided to go down to Red Wing to Jason’s parent’s house in the afternoon and spend some time with them. Normally, they would have everyone to their house on New Year’s Day to celebrate Christmas, but because of Covid those plans are cancelled this year. It felt really good to see them today. I always feel closer to Jason when I’m around his family that’s missing him too.

Merry Christmas to you and your families.

GLOW Fest

Posted on by mfregien6c146e4539

I took a mental health day off of work today. Yesterday, was a better day at work than Tuesday was, but when I decided to take today off I felt like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I think yesterday was emotionally draining for me more than anything. The Club is busy…lots of people with family in from out of town…kids home from college…kids off school…the Christmas buzz is in the air…and I really just want to pull what’s left of my family in close and not leave the house for a few days. I don’t begrudge anyone their Christmas Spirit…this used to be my favorite time of year…but that’s just not the place I’m at now.

Last night the kids and I went with Jeremy and Cheryl and their family to the GLOW fest at the State Fair Grounds. If you live in the area I highly recommend it. The tickets are a little spendy, but if you are looking for something a little special to do I think it’s worth it. I’m really glad that we went. I think we needed a little Forced Fregien Family Fun. Being without Jason at things like that is really hard though…and something I’m not sure I will ever get used to…or that will ever get easier. I wanted him beside me so I could hold onto his elbow as we strolled along in the lights. We would have taken selfies. He would have gotten hot chocolate while I really enjoyed the mulled wine. I would have nuzzled my nose into his neck when it got cold. Instead I was watching the kids…happy that they seemed to be having a good time…wiping tears from my cheeks before they froze.