August 26, 2025. Jason and I so looked forward to this day. Our 25th wedding anniversary….and the day Levi turns 18. This is the year we were going to “reclaim” our anniversary after it had taken the backseat to birthday for 18 years. Instead I moved Levi into his dorm last night and spent the day without my husband or our birthday kid.
I had therapy today and Leah…who I still think of as my new therapist…and I talked about the future quite a bit. Jason and I purposefully had our children when we were young because we wanted to be able to enjoy this “freedom” that started today when all of our children are adults. Instead of that…I just feel loneliness…a void…a lack of purpose. Lots of feeling like I’m just getting through the days…wondering how much longer I have to keep going…and why
Leah suggested that even though this day isn’t the beginning of the new era that Jason and I looked forward to, it could be the start of a different, but exciting era for me. I’m having a hard time finding and keeping hope and belief in that. The 4 year mark a few weeks ago crushed my spirit in a lot of ways.
And I’m not saying my life is miserable. I adore our children and they bring me so much joy. My relationships with family and friends keep getting better and better as I learn where to put my trust. I have good days and smile and laugh…but in my core I am so broken and always will be. Out-of-sync with the world. Never quite fitting.
Even today was an okay day. Lots of people checked up on me…which I really appreciate. I even had a surprise visit at work from my birthday kid. He brought me coffee and gave me a hug. Good thing he’s only 30 minutes away! After work I came home and cooked dinner by myself…worked on a crochet project….talked to my Mom and my Mother-in-Law…texted with friends. And I’m fine…but…
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 