Cabin Life 2025

This is my fourth morning of waking up to the sound of birds chirping….maybe the call of the loon…or the screech of a bald eagle. I feed the dogs and make my coffee and we head out to the deck in the cool morning air.

Every morning the lake is in a different mood. One morning covered with fog and mysterious…another choppy and angry as the wind whips her into a frenzy. Today she is calm and quiet…inviting my mind and body to follow suit…take some deep breaths…and just BE.

My mind keeps wanting to flashback to our last family vacation at a cabin similar to this. It was the summer of 2020. Jason had already had one surgery and had finished his radiation. We were waiting for his next MRI to see if any of it had “showed the cancer who’s boss”. Jason’s brother and his wife were with us, because back then, the kids thought all Fregien Family Fun should include their uncle. And I was a wreck.

I put so much pressure on myself to have a perfect, possibly last, family vacation that, of course, nothing lived up to that ideal. For five years I’ve looked back on that vacation and all I’ve thought was “UGH”.

And during all my freakouts and the kids’ high emotions, Jason was his usual self. Rolling with it. Steadying me. Taking care of his family however he could. Even if that was frying bacon.

And this week, as memories of that vacation have come up with the kids, I’ve finally realized that I need to stop looking at it as a fail. They have great memories of that time…swimming with the dogs….pontoon rides….learning to play euchre with their Dad and uncle.

I’ve been talking a lot with Jason in my mind…especially this week as we’re making new family memories without him…which is always hard. For awhile, my conversations were along the lines of “I’m sorry. I suck at life without you and everything is an effed up mess”.

Recently, I’ve started giving myself the grace that Jason gave so easily to those around him and our conversations have shifted. We love watching the kids together. Their interactions with each other…their awareness of each other’s emotions…their, sometimes very subtle, support of each other. He assures me that I’ve gotten the most important things right and I know he’s proud of me for that.