I rearrange the furniture in our bedroom a lot. Since Jason’s died I’ve moved things around probably 10 times. It’s something that I do when I feel restless…or hopeless…or stuck…or trying to work something out in my head…or bored…or…well, you get the idea. I guess it’s my way of taking control of something…seeing things from a different perspective…finding myself…claiming my space. I have a complicated emotional relationship with our house that I’m not going to get into…but our bedroom and my gazebo outside are my two spots where I spend my time.
Wednesday night I rearranged again…not everything…just my plant/books/desk corner. Over the winter I had moved my desk so that I couldn’t see out the windows, and now, with Spring coming I decided I wanted to be able to see out again. So now I’m sitting at my desk…watching the sun shine down on the snow…in a few days it will be as if it never existed…when just a few days ago the snow controlled our lives. Funny how something loses it’s power so quickly….forgotten once it’s gone.
The kids and I have had a lot of really great things going on. The kids are all in really good spots right now. I look at them and am so proud of them. I love spending time with them and talking with them about the things that make them “tick”. I’ve been doing well. I’ve been trying new things….like curling…which was awesome fun and I think will be my new winter sport.
I bought a small camper and am looking forward to spending lots of time amongst the trees. Seth and I have a trip to Miami coming up in two weeks to watch the Miami Open. Anna, Levi, and I have a trip out West coming up in August. I’m also wanting to get out to Charlotte and Portland. For the first time in…well…5 years…I feel like I have things that I am excited about and really looking forward to.
AND….it’s the AND that has me sitting at my desk…feeling sad about ephemeral snow…listening to my “Jason” playlist…staring at pictures of us. I’m feeling more and more peace in the present…excitement for the future…AND I miss the past. It feels like those feelings shouldn’t be able to exist in tandem, but they so do….happy and sad…grief and anticipation…peace and restlessness. I feel like I’ve been told so many times that I will eventually “get over” my grief and “move on”. That’s just not how it works. It’s more like a moving with grief. Grief is a part of me now…in my core…part of my identity. It colors the way I live everyday…the way I see the world around me…and the truth is that I accept that. I think that me denying that would mean that I reject the strength of Jason’s love in my life…even now…and it’s power to live on through the kids and I. So, I’m glad that I have an AND because it means that I am looking forward to the future AND that the love story in my past lives on.
Love, Tennis, and Cancer 